Im Growing

This poem attracted my attention by the way you had compared youself to everything from paper to the sun. It's an unusual characteristic of a poem, but nevertheless, it was effective.

I'm ice, cold.
I'm frozen from the depths of my wintry heart.
I'm summer sun, melting, dreaming,
Of the day when he will come home to me waiting.

In this part, you should put 'the' after 'ice' and before 'summer sun'. The last part, 'waiting', it did not seem to be needed there. It should be cut.

I'm paper, pens,
Paint and ribbons.
I'm the things I love, the things I hate.
I'm fire and darkness and cobwebs in hair.
I'm load noise and not enough noise.
I'm silence and tranquility.

I loved this part of the poem. It seemed so powerful put you self as the fire or the silence. But there's mistake here. Put 'a' or 'the' before 'loud noise'

I'm growing, stronger, wiser.
I'm a child, still a child.
But there is a woman in me.

I'm no one on this earth
But me

It should be 'I'm growing, stronger and wiser' And liked how you ended the poem. Saying that you are no one on this earth, but you yourself.

Well, good luck.

Thank You for your reviews, er, again! Just to let some of you know, i wont say names, is that i am fifteen yes and criticism is always hard to deal with from anyone, but demanding me to "grow up" in your words is so harsh - you don't know me, and it seems you are trying to be like real judges from newspapers, trying to be something you are not by acting like the bad guy and being harsh, which wont get you anywhere. for pity's sake people its just a poem! Not a political statement! It was something i wrote and for those of you who made comments on my personal life and how childish i am well i think you've missed the point! Its a poem, i'm still learning and your first reviews i was happy to accept with your criticism but now you've gone a bit too far by saying how childish i am, when i am not, thanks. i have only been writing poetry for a month and i thought this site was to help people! for goodness sake for some of you to just comment on me and my personality when you only know me by one silly poem is to be honest childish of yourselves, and i would add you probably have way too much time on your hands to be so harsh to a fifteen year old girl who just wants to practice her writing and make it better and be unique. and thanks to the other reviewer who actually said "we were all fifteen once and probably felt like writing something like this" because she sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

Well. The reviews here seem pretty harsh. While I admit, the idea has been done time and time again, that doesn't make it any less true. And writing the same exact thing except in a hard-to-understand, metaphor-ridden, "I'm-so-different-you-can't-even-understand-me" way would be pointless and stupid. Seriously. If you naturally write with lots of metaphors and hidden messages good for you, but as for the rest of us, lets not fake it, shall we?

Overall I would fix a few grammatical errors that were pointed out already, and then maybe take the suggestions you like and trash the ones you don't. It your poem, and it's personal expression. Poetry is a way of expressing yourself aesthetically, which is kind of a human need. So I would never discourage you from doing it and sharing it. And really this peice has good solid ideas that alot of people can relate too. In my opinion it was a little uppity to put you down for saying things in a straightforward way. I mean, who wasn't 15 at one point? Who hasn't felt that way? Who hasn't written a poem that means exactly what it says? And why should we be ashamed of it?

Thats kind of a rant right there, but you get my point. I really liked it. I connected with it because it is a major human story that is played in each of our lives, it was understandable, and it made use of imagery. Of course, keep working on it, because improvemenet is NEVER a bad thing.

Good Luck!

All i wanted to say has been said above this post, but I would like to say a few words of encouragement. Of sorts.

You are 15 so that excuses all of the clichés and terrible metaphors.
The idea that you are somehow special is erroneous through making a bad poem. Show all the doubters that you don't have to be like everyone else by making a poem that is great, exiting and new.
The fact of the matter is that almost every poem on earth is bad, but its the few who make great poems that actually separate themselves from the rest of the world.

So maybe wait til the angst dies down and then write something magnificent.

Keep it up.

xGraceex wrote:I know its random blah blah blah but to be honest i dont care, all poems dont have to be perfect, like everyone other poem of earth, so thanks for your advise but i dont have to be like everyone else

hey! this was really good, but i have one question. is "load" meant to be loud? anyway, this is a good poem, all the opposites are perfect. This made me think of all the love i've had and the love that has broken me over the few years past. It's amazing how you make me remember things that i hardly think about, ever. As always, keep writing!

this seems like a This Poem Is Me type poem? About the different aspects of yourself.


Its a nice piece definitely, i have one myself about growing up that this one reminds me of in a number of ways so have a look at it and see what you can see: topic36535.html


and i like the glass v stone part, thats very nice. Another one that reminds me of my own stuff, though i didn't compare the glass to stone, you could make this image stronger than mine by drawing on that comparison:

" I am a glass girl,

blunt words from a stranger, striking the truth.

Shattered. Chipped. Pieces glued.

Adolescents' shame, an agnostic with

Catholic guilt "


I swear im not trying to spam you and trick you into reading my stuff ^^ I did actually just notice similar things, and thought you might want to see how other people approached the same topic or metaphor.

Anyways i liked this ^_^ feel free to ask about redrafts or anything i'd like to see how it turns out

xxx

Thanks for your advise! This poem was just something i wrote, still needed improvement and im glad you reviewed it. Its basically me being confused about life and not really about someone, just me and how i feel at different moments. I know its random blah blah blah but to be honest i dont care, all poems dont have to be perfect, like everyone other poem of earth, so thanks for your advise but i dont have to be like everyone else

Exactly what are you trying to accomplish by writing "pretty random lol" as a subtitle? Seriously? Because this is a red flag for a poem written with little thought, and a poet who really doesn't care.

It's funny, because this is a poem constructed with very little thought, and gives off a strong impression that you don't care. How else can you explain lines like

Still locked inside my wintry heart.

very cliche at the end. Also I read the poem with out I'm, and it sounded more less rigid. If your going for a repetitive beat keep it, but try taking it out and see how you like it

xGraceex wrote:I'm a glass child, still a child.
I could be broken by the slightest heartache.

I'm a woman, made of stone.
I'm fierce and strong.
No man can fool me into loving him.

I'm ice, cold.
I'm frozen from the depths of my wintry heart.
I'm summer sun, melting, dreaming,
Of the day when he will come home to me waiting.

I'm paper, pens,
Paint and ribbons.
I'm the things I love, the things I hate.
I'm fire and darkness and cobwebs in hair.

I'm load noise and not enough noise.
I'm silence and tranquility.

I'm teardrops and tantrums.
I'm a child, still a child.
I'm in love and waiting to meet him.
So much love to give.
Still locked inside my wintry heart.

I'm growing,
Faster and faster.
I cant seem to stop the time from slipping past.

I'm growing, stronger, wiser.
I'm a child, still a child.
But there is a woman in me.

I'm no one on this earth
But me