I never told you I loved you

i like this one a lot more than your other pieces. i'm not even sure there's a specific reason why. it's just a tragic story told well. you've proved yourself a real poet by writing this piece. superb job. keep it up.
-zalarus

I really liked this one, the shortness doesn't take away from the poem either. I really like this part:

xGraceex wrote:Then I slip
Then I fall

Then I scream
Then I soar

"I'm flying, Jake!" I cry
"I'm flying!"

Then I hit the ground
The sun sets, the sky darkens
And Jake is weeping
into my blood soaked hair

Wel this was one of my first attempts at a poem! but im glad you liked it jake is infact her best friend, they are just young kids having fun climbing trees. When she sees the worry in his eyes it makes her upset, and that is when she realises she loves him. they are about ten i think. she is a bit of a wild child so she thinks she is flying when infact she is falling. well, glad you all liked it!

Don't exaggerate Searria. I'm on a mucher bigger rampage. I reviewed too much I think.

Well, this poem was good as all the other poems you had written. Well, maybe bit less but I think it was good. It's actually the lesser use of words or feelings which made me say that this was a bit less than the other ones. And you could have described more of the acutal falling and after falling things. It would have added much more to the poem.

Yeah, the question Searria asked. Who was Jake? The girl's brother, cousin, boyfriend? I doubt it was her father. He wouldn't be climbing after the girl like that. It would be like, climb down or you are grounded sort if it was her father.

I giggle as I swing my legs
"You cant catch me!" I cry (That should be 'can't)

He just grins and climbs even faster
Scrambling up through the branches the reach me (I think you meant 'branches to reach me')

I laugh again, pretending to yawn
"How long will you be, Jake? I cant wait all day," (This should be 'How long will you take, Jake? I can't wait here all day')

I see him approaching and I quickly dart away
hopping from branch to branch

"Be careful!" he cries
"You could fall!"

"Me? Fall?" I laugh
"its not possible," (Should be 'That's impossible')

I see him frown, worry in his eyes
I feel uneasy when i see that ('When I see that')

"Stop worrying, Jake," I reassure
"I am indestructible,"

Then I slip
Then I fall

Then I scream
Then I soar (You could use more description here and cut the repeating 'then')

"I'm flying, Jake!" I cry
"I'm flying!" (Sheesh! Would you say this if you are falling from a height of 20 or 30 feet up?)

Then I hit the ground (Ouch!!)
The sun sets, the sky darkens (Great description here)
And Jake is weeping
into my blood soaked hair

I said all of it above and I needn't to say it again. This was a great poem Well done.

Good luck.

Weee! I'm on a reviewing-your-stuff rampage!

I thought this was a really good poem, and it worked really well having the girl tell the story.

Who exactly is Jake? Her brother, Father...?

I like the blunt ending. It shows the ignorance of the little girl. Most people would be thinking, "I'm going to die..." but her last thought is of flying, being totally free. It was nice.

Some people say that the narrator can't die in a story, because then they wouldn't be able to write the story down. Whatever. People shouldn't be so literal. Sometimes it's better telling a story from a dead person's point of view. You can tell from the voice that she has matured from the time of her death and the time she wrote the poem. I'm probably overthinking it, but...

Very good! Keep writing poems!

-Sea-

"Me? Fall?" I laugh
"its not possible,"

I see him frown, worry in his eyes
I feel uneasy when i see that

Then I slip
Then I fall

Then I scream
Then I soar

The ironic and slightly cruel (but in a good way) feel to this is very good. The poem is original at it's best. I like the narrator's detached, almost reminiscent voice. The overall tone is good, although I feel you could develop on your poetic techniques in this piece. I'd like to see more imagery and maybe even less speech- to make what is direct more shocking and effective. This is place however in the right category as it is more dramatic than narrative, so keep it up. The spelling and punctuation will begin to become like a second nature the longer you write for.

Good luck,

Eimear

lol thanks, i wanted the blunt ending, more dramatic but i just wrote it from the top of my head, i didnt really edit it, though i probably should have done .

This poem is very well written. But the ending was kind of blunt. I felt like i wanted more out of it before she fell. "And Jake is weeping into my blood soaked hair" This was a really stong line in the poem. It really helped me to visualize what happened.
I really liked it though!

I like this. Kind of saw the ending coming, but I like it. :]] The beginning is interesting and makes one want to read more. The story isn't focused on feelings but on action which invokes feelings. Overall, it encourages me to voice my feelings for someone...eh...before it's too late.

Other than the punctuation mistakes that have already been covered by other patrons, I cannot find any real "mistakes" that make me halt and ask myself what you are trying to say. It goes from a happy, joyful experience to a screeching stop with an injury - or potential death.

And I loved that.

I really loved the feeling and implications. I agree with what was said above. But overall it was great.

wow! This poem has a really dramatic and well written voice about it.
In general, I'm going to agree with the other comments. I agree that the ending seemed a bit abrupt, but if that is how you designed it, I have no trouble with it.
The rhythm was flowing and easy to slip into.

Good Luck with the rest of your work!!

thanks, i love nice reviews! I just wrote the poem off the top of my head so i wasnt that sure about the ending itself, but i just wanted to keep it all simple so i left the ending like that thankya all!

Welcome to YWS!

The first thing I would say is to look out for punctuation.

"You cant catch me!" I cry.

"How long will you be, Jake? I can't wait all day,"

I really liked this. I couldn't really find anything wrong. Your voice was good, very powerful. Your description was also simple, but clear. When it came to the rhythm I was surprised by how well it flowed, well done.

He just grins and climbs even faster
Scrambling up through the branches the reach me