Awesome! I'm not that good of a critic, but I'd say maybe more descriptions on the characters would be nice. I'm not one to talk though, as I have about 90% dialogue or so in one of my stories... Keep writing! Although you may be finished by now...
Umm, so this is the first chapter of my third book, Imo: Split personality. Hope you like it and please tell me what i can do to improve it. Your comments will be greatly appreciated =]
Staring across the silent, stuffy room, I stifled a yawn.
“I told you we didn’t need to get here this early,” Dougie smiled, not looking away from where he was defacing the leaflets in front of him.
I don’t want to admit it, but I suppose he’s right. The caretaker had looked quite surprised when he’d opened the gates to find the two of us waiting outside.
“I just wanted to make a good impression.”
“Well there’s no one here to make a good impression on,” he laughed.
“At least we got the comfy seats,” I said, leaning back into the cushion to emphasize my point.
“Yep, nothing worse than a hard seat on your first day of college,” Dougie joked, placing his pen down and pushing the leaflets into the centre of the circular table we were both sitting at. I gave him a sarcastic smile before checking the time on my watch. 8:20 AM. Surely people should be arriving soon.
Fine, so I’ll admit getting to college at 8:00 AM was probably overdoing it a bit, but I really did want to make a good impression. Initially, Dougie had been against the idea due to his love of lie ins, but I’d soon changed his mind by reiterating the reason why I wanted to be noticed.
In my old school I was kind of a loner. Not that I’m proud to admit it, but I guess that’s what all the other kids would have labelled me as. I didn’t really have any friends as such; I suppose you’d call them acquaintances really. They were people I talked to in lessons, but had nothing else to do with outside of them.
Dougie, my friend of almost fifteen years, is the only real friend I’ve ever had. He’s great at video games and boring Sunday afternoons just flyby when I’m with him, but I’m in serious need of a willing shopping partner. I’ve never known someone moan so much on one shopping trip.
Hearing a chair scrape back across the thinning grey carpet, I looked up from where I had been staring at the table.
Dougie had stood up. “Where are you going?” I asked.
“To the toilet,” he replied plainly, before attempting to leave. I panicked.
“But you can’t leave me here all by myself,” I stated, eyes wide.
“And why not?” he smiled, obviously keen to hear my pathetic reasoning.
“Because if anybody walks in and sees me on my own, they’ll think I’m some sort of friendless loser and it’ll start all over again,” I pleaded, giving him my best puppy dog eyes.
Dougie seemed to contemplate what I’d just said for a moment before sighing and sitting back down at the table.
“Thank you,” I beamed, feeling my heart rate slow back down to its usual pace.
“If I wet myself then I’m holding you responsible,” he said, trying to sound serious.
“Yeah, yeah,” I smiled. The room returned to silence.
Looking back down at my watch, I realised that it was almost 8:30 and my heart began to quicken its pace again. I started tapping my feet nervously under the table and playing self consciously with the hem of my shirt.
“Is that a new top?” Dougie asked.
“Uh, no,” I replied, giving him a half smile, “I found it at the back of my wardrobe.” Well actually it had been the only thing left in my wardrobe by the time I had thrown everything else onto my bed in the unwearable pile.
“Oh,” he nodded, “I didn’t think I’d seen it before.”
“No, I think this is the first time I’ve worn it actually,” and with that, I lifted my hand to the back of my neck to make sure that the price label wasn’t still attached. Thankfully it wasn’t and just as I’d lowered my hand, I heard the door open as one by one people began to filter in. Some looked nervous whilst others were surrounded by people they knew, already engaged in conversation.
It felt strange to look around and recognise only Dougie out of the sea of faces that now filled the once silent common room. Even though my heart felt ready to explode with anxiousness, it still seemed exciting to think that anyone of these people could become my new best friend. Well, except her maybe. Lets face it. I know where my limits lie and making friends with someone who looks as if they’ve just stepped out of the cover of a fashion magazine, doesn’t really seem possible. I looked over at Dougie to see him staring in the same direction as Britain’s future top model. I sighed, bringing Dougie’s attention back to me.
“Well we all know who she is, don’t we,” he smirked, raising an auburn eyebrow at me.
“No,” I replied, confused. He rolled his eyes.
“The queen bee,” he said in almost a snort.
“Oh,” I nodded weakly, “she doesn’t look that bad.”
“Are you blind?” he laughed, leaning in closer. “Too much make-up, a skirt that’s way too short and a clone on either side. It makes sense to me.”
I looked back over at her then, to see that he was right. She was flanked by an almost identical girl on each side. The only difference was that her two ‘clones’ as Dougie had called them, were both platinum blonde and she had locks of chestnut hair falling to just below her shoulders.
“Maybe she just likes following fashion?” I tried feebly.
“Yeah and I’m the worlds greatest footballer,” he replied, rolling his eyes. He was right. He does suck at football.
“Well maybe I’ll go talk to her and find out then, shall I?”
Dougie looked at me in disbelief before folding his arms.
“Earth to Imo! I thought you hated the whole ‘girly girl, bitchy, stuck-up vibe.’ You know, ever since what happened between you and Mandy Grey.”
“Okay!” I exclaimed, hands raised off the table. “We don’t need to go into that.”
“If you say so,” he smiled.
“What if she’s different?” I continued, placing my hands back onto the table and raising my eyebrows.
“You never were one to be judgemental, were you?” Dougie sighed, leaning back into the cushioned chair.
“Nope,” I smiled, stealing another glance at the subject of our conversation who was now sitting over by the television.
“Well don’t come crying back to me when you find out that she’s just another snotty, rich kid, who likes to be the colour of an orang-utan on a regular basis.”
“I won’t,” I smiled defiantly, uncrossing my legs and making to stand up.
“May God be with you,” Dougie smirked, putting his hands together as if he were about to pray.
“You’ll see!” I called, scooting around the table to make my way over to her.
Halfway across the room my brain finally came to life. What the hell am I doing? This is social suicide. Why am I so stupid?
Panicking, I tried to stop myself walking forward, but my legs weren’t listening. They just kept moving me forward until, regrettably, I was only meters away. Ahh! What have I let myself in for? My first day of college and I’m already going to become a targeted loser by the popular crowd. Grimacing, I tried to slow my frantic heart beat, but it was like my whole body had decided to ignore me. My heart felt as if it was about to break free from my rib cage as I took another tense step forward. There was no backing out now, Dougie was bound to be watching.
“Hey, move outta the way!” an unfamiliar voice shouted as I spun around to see a group of boys sitting on bean bags, looking very unimpressed.
“Yeah, you’re in the way of the screen!” another exclaimed and I finally gathered they were talking to me. Feeling myself blushing, I ducked clumsily out of the way of the TV, whilst managing to get my feet caught around the strap of someone’s bag. Not good. All of a sudden the floor seemed to be rising up and it was only when I felt my face hit something solid, that I realised I had fallen over.
Sprawled on the carpet, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. No doubt Dougie was laughing and he had a right. He had tried to warn me that this was a waste of time. Feeling utterly mortified, my face aching, I scrambled to my feet only to come face to face with the most flawless visage I had ever seen. Her skin was completely freckle and pimple free whilst chocolate brown eyes looked up at me from under thick mascara coated lashes. Feeling my face getting even hotter I turned to flee, only to realise that one of my feet was still tangled in someone’s bag strap. Bending down awkwardly, I unhooked my foot from the piece of material only to notice when I straightened up, that she was smiling at me. Not nastily or mockingly, but in a friendly way. I smiled meekly in return as I was about to leave, only to be stopped by a sociable voice.
“Hi,” she began, still smiling, “are you alright?”
Oh my God! She’s talking to me. I must be concussed. Sensing that I should reply, I pulled my shirt back down and shrugged.
“Uh, yeah. I think so.”
“Good. I suppose it was my fault for leaving my bag in the middle of the floor,” she said, her smile turning apologetic.
“It wasn’t your fault, I should have been looking where I was going,” I replied. A short silence followed my words.
“I love your top,” the brown haired girl said, her smile bright.
Did she just compliment my fashion sense? “Thanks,” I mumbled, pulling at the hem again self consciously.
“Where did you get it?” she asked, looking genuinely interested.
“Uh, it’s kinda old actually,” I replied, only then becoming conscious that her two clones had reappeared at her side. The one to her left had her long blonde hair pulled into a ponytail, whilst the other had her hair flowing loosely down to her mid back. Extensions no less.
“Well, it’s really nice and mega trendy.”
“Yeah, checks are so in,” the girl with the ponytail smiled.
“And the blue so matches your eyes, don’t you think Tiffany?”
“Totally,” the girl with the extensions added without hesitation.
“Uh thanks,” I smiled. They don’t seem that bad after all.
“Say,” the main girl started, “what class have you got next?”
Reaching into the back pocket of my jeans, I pulled out the paper with all my lessons written on. “English literature,” I replied, hoping that wasn’t the wrong thing to say. I jumped at her response.
“Oh my God, me too!” she exclaimed happily, “what teacher you got?”
My hands still shaking slightly, I tried to read the impossibly small text in front of my eyes. “Keats I think.”
The three girls started to laugh and I could feel my blush returning.
“No silly,” the chestnut haired girl smiled patiently, “that’s the name of the building. Here, let me see.” I handed her the paper noticing the bright pink colour of her nail varnish. “Yay,” she smiled, after only a single glance at the paper, “you’ve got Mr Gallagher too.”
“Is that good?” I asked, taking the paper back from her.
“If you don’t mind being in the same class as me,” she replied, bending down to pick up her bag.
“No, I mean, that’s great,” I said with a smile.
“Good. Well go and get your bag and then you can walk to class with us,” she said, returning the grin.
Nodding, I turned and carefully made my way back across to Dougie, who had now been joined by some other boys I didn’t recognise. I was about to pick up my bag when he spoke.
“Managed to fall over and embarrass yourself in front of everyone then,” he smirked, although I knew he was joking.
“You know me,” I replied, slinging my bag over my shoulder.
“You don’t seem that bothered though,” he stated, raising an eyebrow at me sceptically, “and where are you going?”
“I’m walking to class with them,” I said, giving him the smuggest of all looks.
“No way!”
“Uh huh,” I nodded, “I’ll see you at break.”
“Sure, just don’t get too carried away. They could be planning on locking you in a cupboard or something.”
“Ha ha, very funny!” I called, rolling my eyes as I turned to find what I hoped would turn out to be my new popular friends.
Thanks for reading!
Awesome! I'm not that good of a critic, but I'd say maybe more descriptions on the characters would be nice. I'm not one to talk though, as I have about 90% dialogue or so in one of my stories... Keep writing! Although you may be finished by now...
Hi there Dudette 
Here's the review that I promised:
xDudettex wrote:Staring across the silent, stuffy room, I stifled a yawn.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I suppose he was right.
“Well there’s no one here to make a good impression on,” he laughed, looking up at me from under his thick auburn lashes.
I sighed.
Fine, so I’ll admit getting to college at 8:00 AM was probably over doing it a bit,
but I really did want to make a good impression.
Of course Dougie had been against the idea at first with him being a late riser and all, but I’d changed his mind by reiterating the reason that I wanted to be noticed.
See, in my old school I was kind of a loner. Not that I’m proud to admit it, but I guess that’s what all the other kids would have labelled me as.
People I talked to in lessons, but had nothing else to do with outside of them.
Well I did have Dougie, my friend of almost fifteen years. He was a real friend, but with me having gone to an all girls school it meant that I could only hang out with him once I was outside of the school gates.
So that’s why I wanted college to be different. I want to have real friends that I can hang out with outside of lessons as well. All the ‘friends’ that I made at my old school stayed on there to do their A-levels, but I needed a change and Frampton college was near enough the only other option. Luckily Dougie had decided that Frampton was for him too, so it meant that I wasn’t starting my first day here on my own.
“Where are you going?” I asked, seeing Dougie standing up.
“Yeah, yeah,” I smiled, before the room returned to silence.
“Is that a new top?” Dougie asked, causing me to break my gaze from the table where I had been staring again.
“Uh, no,” I replied, giving him a half smile, “I found it at the back of my wardrobe.” Well actually it had been the only thing left in my wardrobe by the time I had thrown everything else onto my bed in the unwearable pile.
Thankfully it wasn’t, but just as I was about to lower my hand, I heard the door open as one by one people began to filter in.
It felt strange looking around only to recognise Dougie out of the sea of faces that now filled the once silent common room.
I looked back over at her then, to see that he was right. She was flanked by an almost identical girl on each side. The only difference being that her two ‘clones’ as Dougie had called them, were both platinum blonde and she had locks of chestnut hair falling to just below her shoulders.
He was right. He does suck at football.
“Nope,” I smiled, stealing another glance at the subject of our conversation who was now sitting over by the television.
“Well don’t come crying back to me when you find out that she’s just another snotty, rich kid, who likes to be the colour of an orang-utan on a regular basis.”
“I won’t,” I smiled defiantly, uncrossing my legs and making to stand up.
“May God be with you,” Dougie smirked, putting his hands together as if he were about to pray.
“You’ll see!” I called, scooting around the table to make my way over to her.
Halfway across the room my brain finally came to life. What the hell am I doing? This is social suicide. An average girl like me actually daring to engage in conversation with her, the queen bee of Frampton college. Why am I so stupid?
“Hey, move outta the way!” an unfamiliar voice shouted as I spun around to see a group of boys sitting on bean bags, looking very unimpressed.
Oh my God! She’s talking to me. Someone as popular as her is actually bothering to interact with me and she’s asking if I’m okay. I must be concussed. Sensing that I should reply, I pulled my shirt back down and shrugged.
“It wasn’t your fault, I should have been looking where I was going,” I replied, shaking my head. There was silence so I decided that it would be safe to leave, merely to be stopped again.
“Is that good?” I asked, taking the paper back from her.
“If you don’t mind being in the same class as me,” she replied, bending down to pick up her bag.
“No, I mean, that’s great,” I said with a smile.
“Good. Well go and get your bag and then you can walk to class with us,” she said, returning the grin.
Admissions: You've opted to tell us your persona's deepest and darkest secrets. She tells us off the cuff that she feels inferior, unpopular, and a social outcast. While I don't think that there is anything wrong with doing this really, I do think you could take a different approach that might achieve a greater effect. I suggest that you try to work your persona's insecurities into her responses to stimuli from the environment around her. What I mean by this is that assuming you drop in one of your thought lines that said something like: "She spoke to me?" with a little surprise, we would guess that she's a social outcast, and we wouldn't have the feeling that your persona is shameless and is willing to freely admit her feelings to everyone.
Dougie: For some reason she trusts Dougie enough to reveal all of her insecurities, but she still seems to think that he's not good enough to be her friend. She needs more friends than him. I would like to see more of this strange interaction, and perhaps a little elaboration as to what her motives are.
Characters: I seem to find your MC fairly flat in certain areas. She seems to be plagued by typical insecurities, but for some reason has a one sided view of the world. She sees people as good or evil, jocks or nice. I don't really think that anyone has such a one sided view on people. I would try to open her up a bit more, and to try to slightly lower her obsession with popularity. Even if she is a shallow person, she'll realize that there's more to life than popularity. She will also realize that people can make friends even if they don't have a back up to look cool with. A little more expansion of this idea would make her character far more plausible.
Exposition: You've got a tendency to tell us a lot more information than we need to know. I would try to work on eliminating the excess waste. You need to tell us pieces as we need them. We need a story more than we need an information overload.
Tags: Try keep your tags after dialogue short. The long tags should be potent exceptions. When used to often they lose their effectiveness.
Overall: If I didn't think this piece was so good, I wouldn't have spent this much time editing it. I think that you have some very nice ideas here and you just need to work a little on your characters before you have something really great. Descriptions, story and dialogue are all superb, and I really enjoyed the read.
God, you are really good at writing! I'm jealous! 
This is a book I'd buy if I saw it in a bookstore.
All I can say is: I love it!
Hey =]
Thank you all so much for your reviews and comments - you've all been so helpful!
Thechocolatewritingcat- Just to let you know that the 'her,' is the girl with the chestnut hair that Imo talks to after tripping over her bag, - hope that makes sense now
Thank you again!
xDudettex =]
Wow! I love it! Well, since you've done such an awesome job, I probably won't have that much to comment on, but I'll try! Here it goes.
Well, except her maybe. Lets face it, I know where my limits lie and making friends with someone who looks as if they’ve just stepped out of the cover of a fashion magazine, doesn’t really seem possible. I looked over at Dougie to see him staring in the same direction as Britain’s future top model. I sighed, bringing Dougie’s attention back to me.
Dougie smirked, whilst putting his hands together as if he were about to pray.
Heyy Dudette! Nitpicks first...
One
Staring across the silent, square room, I stifled a yawn.
I sighed. “Well at least we got the comfy seats,” I tried, leaning back into the cushion to further my point.
“Yep, nothing worse than a hard seat on your first day of college,” Dougie joked, placing his pen down and pushing the leaflets into the centre of the circular table we were both sitting at.
I gave him a sarcastic smile before checking the time on my watch. 8.20am. Surely people should be arriving soon.
So okay. I admit getting to college at 8.00am was probably over doing it a bit, but I really did want to make a good impression.
See, in my old school I was kind of a loner. Not that I’m proud to admit it, but I guess that’s what all the other kids would have labelled me as.
Looking back down at my watch, I realised that it was almost 8.30 and my heart began to quicken it’s pace again.
It felt strange looking around only to recognise Dougie out of the sea of faces that now filled the once silent common room.
“You never were one to be judgemental, were you?” Dougie sighed, leaning back into the cushioned chair.
“Well don’t come crying back to me when you find out that she’s just another snotty, rich kid, who likes to be the colour of an orang-utan on a regular basis.”
“Yeah, you’re in the way of the screen!” another exclaimed and I finally realised they were talking to me. Feeling myself blushing, I ducked clumsily out of the way of the TV, whilst managing to get my feet caught around the strap of someone’s bag. Not good. All of a sudden the floor seemed to be rising up and it was only when I felt my face hit something solid, that I realised I had fallen over.
Bending down awkwardly, I unhooked my foot from the piece of material only to realise when I straightened up, that she was smiling at me.
“Uh, it’s kinda old actually,” I replied, only then realising that her two clones had reappeared at her side. The one to her left had her long blonde hair pulled into a ponytail, whilst the other had her hair flowing loosely down to her mid back. Extensions no less.
Nodding, I turned and carefully made my way back across to Dougie, who had now been joined by some other boys I didn‘t recognise. I was about to pick up my bag when he spoke.
Hey
Thank you so much for your reviews, they've been very helpful.
I can't believe you think i'm a strong writer - that's so nice of you to say
I'm editing chapter two at the moment and i'll definitely be reading it aloud to help spot mistakes.
Your comments have really spurred me on to try and finish the book - i've only got a few chapters to go, so hopefully it'll be finished soon!
I'll try and post chapter two as soon as i can.
Thanks again
xDudettex
Dougie joked, placing his pen down and pushing the leaflets into the centre of the circle table we were both sitting at.
I didn’t really have any friends as such, I suppose you’d call them acquaintances really.
Well I did have Dougie, my friend of almost 15 years.
“And why not?” he smiled, obviously keen to hear my pathetic reason.
“Because if anybody walks in and sees me on my own, they’ll think I’m a loner and it’ll start all over again,”
I beamed, feeling my heart rate slow back down to it’s usual pace.
I started tapping my feet nervously under the table and playing self consciously at the hem of my shirt.
Oh and please PM me with the next part i would
love to read what happens.
Cheers
Borntoshop.
Omgosh i don't know what to say.
Well i've got to say that is so great, it felt like i was reading
a book i would get out at the library, very gripping and very well written!
I loved it i can't think of anything i would think was wrong with it.
Great work
Loved it
Borntoshop.
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