Young Writers Society

Hi.

I've just read all of this and I love it! More, please!

Hiya im not very good at reviews! I love your story so much.

But it seemed like avery short chapter. Is it part of it?

Once again please PM me.

I LOVE it!!

Borntoshop

I think this is a fairly interesting story.. however i would put more thought into it. Not thought like it was poorly written but what did Imo think of Zoey and her friend was she up set that she couldn't go to the park? You know stuff like that.




keep it up thou this story has real potential

Hi there, Dudette, I'm here to review your piece, as it's looking a little lonely at the moment. So, all my comments will be in bold and [], and my edits just in bold. I will go through your piece in detail, then at the end I will talk you through my review, improvements I think can be made, etc. I've also noticed that this isn't the first chapter to your story so I'll (probably) ask stupid questions; just ignore me if I do hehe. Without further delay, let's get to this - I hope it helps you out!!

xDudettex wrote:Hey =]
Sighing with relief as I finally saw the door labelled 12A, I braced myself for my first Psychology class. Luckily I seemed to be one of the first to arrive so picking a seat at the back of the room, I began taking my notepad and pencil case out of my bag. Knowing that I knew no one else taking this class [b][how?], I had already decided that I would stick to being quiet and invisible, but someone who I’d rather not have seen, obviously thought otherwise [I would have this as a separate sentence, however, try and replace the word 'but', as it's not good to start sentences with connectives (: ].

“Look who it is,” the voice [describe the voice - does she recognise it? If so, what emotions/thoughts arise at the sound of it?] said, causing my head to snap up unwillingly. Gaze focused on the boy standing in front of me [try rephrasing this, as it's slightly awkward sounding], my stomach dropped to my feet [why? Expand on this]. Swallowing hard, I ducked my head back down, hoping that he’d leave me alone. “Don’t be shy,” he continued and I knew that a smirk would have appeared on his face. “Pity our cinema date didn’t go as well as I’d hoped,” he sneered, as a shadow fell across my desk. Not knowing what to do, I opened my notepad and began doodling. “Don’t ignore me,” he ordered, making me flinch.

“Hey numbskull,” a unfamiliar voice spat, “leave her alone.”
“Why should I Ferris?” Greasy retorted, the shadow lifting from my table.
“Cuz I said so,” the girl[apostrophe]s voice replied,[delete comma] threateningly.
“Whatever,” Greasy sighed, obviously giving up. Lifting my head a little, I just caught sight of him retreating back to the table in the far corner. Sighing audibly, I looked around to try and find the girl who’d stuck up for me. Seeing no one else in the room, I assumed that it must have been a passing student, so I jumped when a bag landed on the table I was sitting at.
“You don’t mind do you?” a girl of around my height with short, dirty blonde hair asked [Try and expand a little on her description - not too much, but maybe her facial expression towards your MC and what she's wearing. Just think about the things you first notice about people, and apply it here (: ].
“No,” I shrugged, moving my notepad closer to my side of the desk, assuming that she wanted to sit by me.
“Thanks,” she replied and having guessed right, she slipped into the chair next to me. When she’d placed her bag on the floor, I spoke.
“Thanks for getting rid of him for me,” I smiled gratefully, watching the girl[apostrophe]s pixie like face for a reaction. She drew her pink, lipstick covered lips into a small smile.
“Don’t mention it. Jared Wilkes is a fat headed nuisance.”
“Tell me about it,” I sighed.
“What did he mean by 'cinema date' anyway?” she added, raising her perfectly plucked blonde eyebrows. “Please don’t tell me that you fancied that loser.”
“Nuh uh,[replace with full stop]” I shrugged. “When I went to the cinema last night, he kinda stalked me and then harassed me too.”
“What a creep!” the girl exclaimed, leaning back in her chair. There were a few minutes of silence, before she spoke again. “I’m Zoey by the way,” she smiled, fiddling with the green and black bracelet on her right wrist.
“I’m Imo,” I replied, using the chance to take in more of her features. Her deep blue eyes were underlined in black, so according to stereotyping she’d be labelled as an emo [thoughts towards this...]. Her bright green hoody clashed violently with her red trainers, but it didn’t seem to matter. Everything about her from her delicate smile, to the pink clip in her fringe, was radiating friendliness. Stereotypes were so over used anyway.

As I had three hours of Psychology [Expand - what did she think of it? Also, this is worded a little awkwardly, try rephrasing], I decided to spend break with Zoey too.

“She’ll be here in a minute,” she [do you mean Zoey? You need to put her name in here, and who is she referring to; what does your MC think/feel at the prospect of meeting 'her'?] smiled, leaning back against one of the ancient looking radiators that lined the corridor we were standing in.
“That’s all_right,” I replied, offering her one of my crisps.
“Thanks,” she said, taking one. “I would offer you some of my food, but as you can see I don’t have any.”
Shrugging, I joined Zoey in attempting to defrost against the radiator, although it didn’t seem to be radiating much heat.

After a couple more minutes of waiting, Zoey jumped up from the radiator.

“She’s here. Lauren! Over here,” [s]she[/s] Zoey [at the moment there are too many girls to just use 'she', you don't want to confuse your reader!! (: ] called in quick succession, waving her hands in the air.
Leaning forward, I saw a girl with long mahogany hair, walking towards us casually [Again, expand on this and add in a few first impressions too].
“This is Imo,” Zoey introduced me, once she had stepped back from giving Lauren a welcoming hug. “She’s in my Psychology class.”
“Cool,” Lauren nodded, sending a friendly smile in my direction. The three of us stood in awkward silence for what seemed like five minutes, before Lauren spoke up again. “So Zoey, you fancy coming to the park after class?”
“Who’s going?” Zoey asked, as I continued eating my crisps.
“Uh the usual,” she replied and I listened quietly as she rung off a list of unfamiliar names.
“Sure, I’ll come,” Zoey concluded, turning to me. “What about you Imo, you up for going to the park?”
“I can’t,” I replied, feeling slightly annoyed [why?], “I’ve got English after lunch.”
“Pity,” Zoey shrugged, “maybe some other time?”
“Definitely,” I smiled, glad that I was being offered another chance to hang out with them both.
“Well I better get back to Art,” Lauren sighed, as the bell rang for the end of break.
“I’ll meet you outside the front gates,” Zoey called, as Lauren disappeared down the corridor.
“Sure,” Lauren replied, turning back around, “nice to meet you[comma] Amy.”
Zoey gave me a apologetic smile as I waved.
“She doesn’t mean anything by it. She’s got a brain like a sieve,” Zoey sighed, before we began battling our way to Psychology through the suddenly busy corridors.