Published April 14, 2010
got rid of it
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Man - that was a great title - i wanted to read it
In general, I found it quite scary... Perhaps not in a good way. This whole poem had a very evil vibe to it, and it made me feel uncomfortable.
The imagery used is brilliant. It's all very poetic, and you've used a lot of varied punctuation. I think, for me, the actual content is what drags it down.
Also, 'It's true that "Jesus" cannot save' - get rid of it. End of. You've got to be careful when mentioning things to do with religion, because there is a chance you will offend someone. Here you've declared someone else's beliefs as false. That's not the idea of poetry.
Hello!
The poem is a bit confusing to me, but don't worry, I still like it! The rythm kind of turns on and off, but most of my poems are like that. I like your poetic language, repitition and puntuation; like the retorical questions and dot dot dots.
Maybe you could've used semi-colons at some point instead of commas.
remember you don't have to take my comments, it's fine as it is!
I hope I helped
~Tamara