The Apple

Hmmm...that was an interesting experiment in spacing and...I'm not entirely sure it worked! (Yes, I'm going to critique my own advice here, but then again, I am at liberty to, so why not?).

On the one hand, the way the lines were mushed up together before looked unprofessional, messy even, considering the finesse and sharpness of the actual words. The way the poem looks now at first glance seems much more digestible. However, on that same note, the lines haven't been made shorter either - surely you can notice how some lines just seem to swoop out to the right hand side inelegantly? An apple is round, tight, shiny, perfect, as is your description of it. However, the stucture now seems to contradict this idea - it is haphazard still, sort of like short strings with longer strings all put together. And there is also no need to break up stanzas at every full stop - in fact, I'd say it'd look more artful and creative were you to break it up at mid-sentences etc.

Anyway, good to see you having a go at spacing it out nevertheless, and like I said, it's a small issue.

Your poem really hit me because it has personal feelings and experiences behind it to make it more tangible. It seems so real, almost like we're watching it play out on the page. Your word choice makes the poem unique and all yours and I hope you find some worth in your talent. Keep writing and never doubt yourself!

Also, may I ask what you mean by "white background" it seemed important to the poem but I dont really get what you meant by it.

And it was cool that you used an APPLE as the centre of the poem.

[quote="x3CoFx3"]This is an allegorical poem I wrote about attempted and failed suicide.

Hm... This was interesting, it was confusing but still, interesting. Though some sentences never seemed to end, and were to long to read in one breath. You should try shorten them down or cut them in two. Also, may I ask what you mean by "white background" it seemed important to the poem but I dont really get what you meant by it.


As you dream, you see a small, bright
crimson sphere against a white background
of dull, pale pallor.
It is an apple,
and you see it become more fine and pronounced
around the edges.
A trembling but graceful hand
holds the strange vermilion apple, in a way
that one might clutch the
fate of their world tightly in their arms,
and then decide what they will do next. This was a bit too long
As that nervous hand on that long, slender arm
connected to the crying and convulsing
woman makes up its mind
on impulse,
The insignificant apple becomes much more
potent with its willfully tempting ways. Also this one i think
It begins to bleed from within,
poisoning itself with smoky black tendrils
of deep stained pain.
The woman weeps her failure,
and drops the once beautiful apple,
along with her dreams,
down into the blank white atmospheric background,
never to be seen again.[/quote] And this one

But appart from the parts i didnt get, and the "too" long stuff, I think it was an overall good poem, no, it was a REALLY good poem And it was cool that you used an APPLE as the centre of the poem. And as someone said, the ending (part from that it was too long to read perfectly) was very clever and good! :D:D

// Hugs and Hearts from Sagaa

So...what may I call you, x3CoFx3? ^^

I enjoyed this. I loved the sharp intensity of the poem, the focus, the tension that strung this poem together from start to finish. The whole world revolves around this one apple - such a deliciously tempting, sinful fruit! - and you capture this immediacy well. There is no tangential expostion, no rambling, and a good balance of abstraction and subtletly alongside reality and down-to-earthness. It makes for a riveting poem, to be read on the edge of one's seat, in dry-mouthed anticipation, coiled. Marvellous.

Only one thing struck me as needing any kind of improvement - actually, I'd say it'd be 'experimentation' more than anything on your part - and this was the line length. This wasn't something I thought of on the first go, since the flow and imagery was good enough to have me ignore it, or just not take it into account, but now that I think about it, I think the poem could have even more of an impact, even better a focus, were it to be structured differently.

By this, I mean maybe splitting up the lines into stanzas of one, two, three or four lines (max), so that each image, each part has unbelievable weight and poise. Just try it and see what it looks like!

Thank you for a wonderful poem. PM me if you have any further questions or would like to discuss something. I'd be more than happy to help.

My user name isn't odd, it's the abbreviation for my favorite band Cradle of Filth xD

More than anything, x3CoFx3, I want to really compliment you on your ending.

The woman weeps her failure,
and drops the once beautiful apple,
along with her dreams,
down into the blank white atmospheric background,
never to be seen again.

It had nothing to do with Snow White, I wasn't even thinking about that when I wrote it o_o
and thanks everyone

wow, this really was a good write. you used some exellent imagery and some really good words to describe what was happening.

good use of the title. it somes up what the piece was about.

i liked that the whole poem was about an apple, and the whole apple was a metaphor which really makes the poem more interesting and better to read.

overall: a really good write, keep up the good work.

I was also wondering if this poem was about snow white. I liked how everything in the poem flowed. It had a pretty Nice rhythm to it. I have to agree with the first comment about your words that you used. Everything was perfect. I loved the horror that was mixed through out the poem. Very nice work .

Beautiful language, lyrical and providing excellent visuals. Poetic even in its horror. Is this meant to reflect Snow White, by chance?