Published April 19, 2010
In the beginning, formed in wind and storm,
A big mass of black with infinite math
swarmed and spat bitter heaven into form.
Lit up with precious stones, it filled with wrath,
Raining down upon the Fallen who shine
amongst the brightest of stars, but still spurned.
Therein rose vast wonders, seen in the fine
crystal shard reflections of dreams. I learned
while fogging into nightmares, affections
are to be seen only in brightest dreams.
For they are fathered by hateful reflections
and create absence in living dead seams.
Those seams of empty faces shine with fierce
intent. Silver screams climb free from my tears.
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The lines are supposed to be like this. It's a sonnet.
This just might be my style preference, but I feel like this is too blocky, and needs to be broken up into more lines.
“In the beginning,
formed in wind and storm,
A big mass of black
with infinite math
swarmed and spat
bitter heaven into form.“ -- etc.
I know this breaks up the end rhymes (which are great, btw) but the lines just feel a bit long. This is pretty good otherwise! Keep writing!
~Yoyo
Hey there!!
I loved the flow of your poem, the beginning till the end. I also liked you poem because you ryhmed well and nice. Loved it how you describe things especially the "Silver screams" hmmm... Anyway, continue to make poems and you'll get better!
Keep writing!
_peace out!