Published April 11, 2010
The nights are fading day by day,
Disintegrating into empty space,
Leaving no trace of my decay.
Sometimes, at the lonely bay,
You can see the memory of a forgotten face
As the nights are fading day by day.
Tears swell up as you hear someone say
"Everyone left me in this large place,
Leaving no trace of my decay."
People are like the wind, blowing over clay.
They have no effect on me, or this place,
As the nights are fading day by day.
I watch everyone blow away,
Moving on to their destination, abandoning this space,
Leaving no trace of my decay
It feels like I'm growing weaker this way,
Watching people come and go with a fast pace.
The nights are fading day by day,
Leaving no trace of my decay.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Seriously amazing!
Poetry seems to be your thing, too. (:
It was okay. For some of it I was really confused. It just didnt make sense, other parts I really liked. As Elinor suggested, lighten up on the repitition in the last stanza. If you mix up the words a little, the whole poem might end up flowing better, you know?
Good job, PM me if you post asny more.
Thanks for the advice, I'm glad you liked it x]
I had to write it for my creative writing class
Hey! I liked this.
It's really tough to write a villanelle, but I think you handled it quite nicely. It follows a compelling storyline, and the idea seems original and creative. I only had a few nitpicks so you can iron out everything and really make it into a great piece of polished poetry.
There should be a comma after sometimes.
There should be a comma after wind and a period after clay. Also, wouldn't you think 'the wind' would make the line seem a bit more complete?
You need two commas, one after me and the other after place.
An 'it' before feels would be good.
Fix the repetition. I understand you can't change the last line, but try to find another word for the first trace. If you can't, you can structure the ending of that line a bit differently.
Anyway, great job! PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo