I know it's not that good, read and criticize
Remembering that fateful evening,
surrounded by perfect, flawless people,
while the black candle flames dance
past my distracted line of vision.
But I am drawn to the respiring forest,
Seeking circumspect pines who know my loneliness...
I walked through the passage of time,
I sipped the tasteless blood wine,
from the knowledge drunk from the burden of life.
The livid forest beckons with Her nocturnal call,
and I long to be close to the baying of the wolves,
who rule the fetid, putrid earth.
Forever I will stay, entombed on this monument,
as restriction bleeds from the veins of my neck.
I lust for the harrowing breeze and to learn
from the illusive voices in between drafts.
The forest whispers my name, over and over again,
when the bloated moon is full, luring all sorcery in.
I walk the forsaken path to the land of immortals,
This is my life, my mentality, my will.
±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±
~She stands, crowned with leaves and petals,~
~pale and throned, beyond door and gateway.~
~She gathers and concludes all things immortal,~
~with cold, beautiful and carnal hands.~
~Supine, Her skin is lustrous and sweeter~
~than any known or mere mortal.~
~It is love who abhors to greet Her,~
~and men that trepan to meet Her,~
~from copious times and various lands.~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello, love!
I actually believe that with the right tweaking, this piece can be very good, don't sell yourself short.
So, there were a few places I caught that didn't sound natural:
"sipped the tasteless blood wine/
from the knowledge drunk from the burden of life"
This part sounded a bit off to me, maybe a rephrase of the "tasteless blood wine" would make more sense of the "knowledge" bit, I'm not sure if it's a simile or imagery or whatever your point is in that area.
Also, you jump right into a forest?
Maybe a better transitionary verse would be considered.
Overall, very well done!:)
<3 Rachel
That is the biggest deterrent for reviewing ever, for me at least.