This is also about Elizabeth Bathory... I was being greatly inspired by my favorite band. The quotes in italics are from songs, I didn't write them. But everything else, I wrote.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Hear me now, All crimes should be treasured If they bring Thee Pleasure somehow..."
♦
Like vermilion blood in the snow,
garnered satin lapped Elizabeth's chest.
Glistening against her throat,
an illuminating tourniquet of topaz rests.
Her spirit was freed to shroud the moon.
Awakened, she emerged out of her tomb,
such an imperial prowess hung from nebulae.
She was outshone like a fallen star in bloom,
Commanding dreadful unease, her affinity
demanded of death and mortality to breathe.
Though torches manifested her shadow,
Elizabeth bedazzled courtrooms in a sheath.
♦
Slaves greeted her with nothing but despair,
yet she managed to hold them all enthralled.
Raped of faith, she embraced
the narcissistic mirror's face, and recalled
the disdain hidden inside her veins.
Elizabeth seeked to keep what age took away,
and sold her soul for this dark toll.
From the bowels of the abyss, she was a lovely array.
Witches stifled their cries in reddened wombs,
as madness came upon her like an erotic lover's seed.
Torture was unleashed in clouts,
Life splashed upon her skin, she watched them bleed.
♦
"More. Whore. More.
Twitching make me wet with thee
Carcass rub me raw."
♦
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Hi,
The second stanza is really great. I love "Raped of faith". The contrast between the words is very effective.
I felt that the first stanza was a bit overdone. I felt there was a lot of flowery language, a lot of linguistic gymnastics going on, and some parts were so consciously poetic that I just couldn't feel the truth of them, for example;
"Like vermilion blood in the snow,
garnered satin lapped Elizabeth's chest"
"illuminating tourniquet of topaz"
"Her spirit was freed to shroud the moon"
"She was outshone like a fallen star in bloom."
I'd pare it back to specific images of specific things, things which the reader can really see and feel. I don't want to be told her spirit shrouded the moon, as I can't feel any reality in that-instead describe her state of mind/emotional state through her walk, her hands, her gestures, the language which she uses.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I am having a little trouble finding your rhythm here, but the first part of the second section is very strong.
This, I thought, was awkward. Just the wording tripped me up as I was reading.
Other than that, this is very nice!