Published April 16, 2008
This circle,
It’s vicious,
Never stopping,
The fights,
Caused by you,
Are flowing,
And flowing,
A punch,
Then another,
Then another,
Then a punch,
Again and again,
Never stopping,
A blur now,
In the shower,
Water is red,
Just think,
Just think,
You’re hurting my head,
Why?
How?
When?
Where?
I can’t figure this out,
How is it fair?
Sherlock Holmes himself,
Would be startled to find,
That you seem to be fine,
Then you punch,
You hit,
You jeer,
You shout,
I can’t figure this out,
I just know,
We’re going round and round,
This vicious circle,
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I'd totally say the same thing as Kylan, but that would ruin it. Vicious.
So I'll just critique.
The poem's huge problem is that it gives us no reason to care. It's a list of actions, and rather vague ones at that. Who's punching whom? Why? What's the circle? Where? What's their relationship? And most importantly, why should your reader even care? Give me a reason to read this poem; tell me something. The poem is a stream of consciousness, and it means nothing to me until I know its purpose. You could use the well-known phrase "vicious circle" in a much more creative way--use it in an unexpected way, something that will make your reader say, "Huh, I never thought about it that way" or "That's a really neat way to present it."
The Sherlock Holmes reference is so out of place it made me laugh. I'm guessing that wasn't the effect you were going for.
I'm sorry, but I can't critique this until 'vicious' is spelled right in your title.
-Kylan
Ok, so obviously I have made some changes...
The first thing I notice is there isn't a lot of actual description, and the description you have seems a little off. Everything I put in italics jumped out at me in a negative way. It just didn't seem to flow with the rest of your poem.
The things that I put a [s]slash[/s] through are things that are repeated and don't need to be, or things that just don't seem to be adding that much to the poem.
The things I put in bold are things that come off slightly cliche, or just need some interesting use of words to spruce them up. The one thing I found about a cliche line is you can make it not seem as chiche if you use words not heard very often. (The Thesaurus is a big help here)
The things I underlined are things that I found good, that added a lot to the poem.
This is a really good idea, and I think with some good imaginary and a handy thesaurus then it can be really great. The spacing is a little off, making it choppy and slightly broken up, that can work but only if the other things I mentioned come into play.
Good Luck!
Ok, definetly not feeling the "list" strategy. You have vague ideas here that need expanding. Rather than repeat a line three or four times, write one well and detail it. Paint me a picture, don't hand me a list. Tell me why I should care. Cut the "how? when? why? where?" bit. You are the writer, YOU tell me. If you have a question, make it poetic. I'm just the Reader, tell me why I should listen.
I would work on one poem carefully, instead of multiple ones. You have talent, channel it :]
Medusa.