Published April 14, 2008
My little brother was,
Giggly, fun, bubbly, rude,
Silly, funny, annoyingly sweet,
Dimples, smiles, addicted to food,
I loved my little brother,
And yes, I still do,
But he’s not my little brother any more,
He’s someone new,
He still has his dimples,
I’m sure of that,
I’ve don’t see them anymore though,
You’ve seen to that,
He cries all the time,
But not of laughter anymore,
He cries all the time,
Because he is so sore,
You scare him, you hurt him,
You make him cry,
You want to defeat him,
But you can only try,
Because my little brother,
Has got me,
And I’ve got him,
We will succeed,
You’ll tear us to shreds,
I’m sure of that,
But we’ll sew each other back together,
And we’ll get you back,
We’ll get you back,
For all you’ve done,
Years of terror,
Are just no fun,
My little Brother,
Is eleven years old,
He’s behind at school,
As he’s always told,
My little brother,
Is struggling lots,
But I love him so much,
With Jelly Tots,
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
oh my. I love this, I can feel the tears falling on the paper. Oh it reminds me of my friend who's dad abuses her and her sister. It kinda makes me feel bad though because I would never sew my little brother back together agian.
Aww. I liked it.
It reminded me of my little cousin(the first part), I even wrote a piece for him, here's the link My Little Superman, and my brother. He's eleven too. lol
But your poem was too sweet. *sniffs*
Very nice, some lines throughout the poem sounded abit forced but other than that very good.
I deeply loved this peom and it only gets better each time I read it through.
I love the whole concept and the wording and phrasing is beautiful.
Such a simple concept yet it was depicted beautifully.
The theme was really cute, and you do a good job at evoking emotion in this. You should be proud, this poem has got a lot of feeling in it, which can be hard to do.
It seems really dragged out though. I would cut a couple of stanzas out. The length really doesn't help much to the story that you're trying to convey. A lot of what was said got a little repetitive. Say it once, say it right--right? When writing poetry, make every word count.
There are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes in this. You don't have to capitalize the first letter of each line. That becomes distracting. You also don't need commas after each line. The end of a line usually signifies a sort of internal beat or pause, so you don't need a comma unless the poem grammatically calls for a comma.
Also the line "I’ve don’t see them anymore though," in your second stanza.... 'I've' should be 'I'
The last line of the poem really ruins it for me. The rhyming is forced and really random. It seems like it was just thrown in there. I would recommend you just get rid of it or think of something else, even if you have to sacrifice the rhyming scheme/ I know--it's a pain. I do the same thing all the time, but it can't be helped if you want to improve xD
Other than these little lapses, you did a good job. It's definitely a breath of fresh air to read and it's got that nice bittersweet edge to it, because the reader is left to imagine of what this little boy has struggled through during his childhood. But of course, he's got his older sibling--so it's very cute. ^_^
Anyway, keep writing! I'd like to read more from you.
Wow. Nicely done. Great Job!
Deep and cute...
Oh...yeah. Thank!
Aw.........................*sniffle* That was deep.
Only one thing to pick about. The punctuation on (at LEAST) the last line of a stanza should be a period.
Aw....