Published April 16, 2008
A crowded room,
Buzzing conversations,
First Impressions,
Are the foundations,
Lots of new faces,
Trying to figure out,
You and other people,
What everyone’s about,
There’s a lady with a smile,
Crying on the inside,
A man who looks happy,
With a son who’s died,
An old beggar in the corner,
No one goes near him,
But he’s the most interesting of all,
However dark and grim,
Silent words are exchanged,
Glances between familiar friends,
Clashes of opinion,
They never end,
Like two sticks rubbing together,
Some people alight,
But others are the water,
Trying to stop the fight,
Smiles with hidden truths,
Shoot across the room,
Though everyone knows the meaning,
These are smiles of doom,
Strangers do not mix,
It is the well known rule,
Though a rule never spoken,
It effects us all,
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
x-tears-x: I noticed that you've posted more than one poem today. Please, please refrain from doing this. YWS asks that you do not post more than one new item per day--in fact, keep it down to two/week at least. Also keep the ratio of critiques:posts at a healthy 2:1. Feel free to PM me or any of the other mods/JMs if you have questions or concerns.
(I didn't intend to post a critique, only a warning, but oh god. Commas are not needed at the end of every line. And the "effects" in the last line ought to be "affects". Just...those things, at the very least, for all our sakes.)
-Colleen
Very nice poem. Makes me think of the big city. I thought it was about the big city but it is called Unspoken rule so it cant be that.
Lulz anyway nice poem.
I like your writing.
thanks for the comment - i'll take it on board
Hmm. Very interesting! The end caught me off guard; I wasn't expecting beauty in simplicity! I like this poem alot. Let me just make some criticisms, as is natural.
Although I understand perfectly that you meant to write the poem out as a list, but I might suggest altering it. It comes off as a group of would-be nouns, a grocery list, etc. Why don't you throw in a little summ'm-summ'm and switch it up a bit?
Awkward off-beat rhyming comes off as forced. I would focus more on expanding good metaphors--foundations, two sticks, etc. Rhyming should flow with the peice. If you have to think too hard about it, it's probably not the best route to tread.
Medusa.