there are pinks
and purpley-blues
beneath your veil of
skin cells,
small particles of personality,
hovering over a
great
swirling
mass
of delicacy and genuis.
I've tried tricking myself
into thinking that you,
you with icy hair
and
so-red lips,
would be
may be
electrifying.
but it seems
I am more conscious now,
uninhibited,
able to touch you freely.
to touch is to know.
to know is to touch.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
First I'll explain some missing stuff or stuff to be fixed then I'll point out somethings...
This poem isn't in structured or rhythm form, and it doesn't rhyme. But, it is in verse. So what makes this different from a poem in verse and a story in verse? So far, I'm not entirely sure. This is more of a note to you, because I didn't exactly notice anything horrible about the way you did your lines. When writing a poem that is like this, where you put each line is very important. You have to have a reason for it, you know? It looks random, like you did each line to fit one or just enough words, than went on. I don't know if you could change this, but read over the poem and think about the changes in line being a dramatic change or something, because if the reader is moving from the end of a line to the beginning, it should be a big deal, right? My theory at least, you could probably leave it like this and be fine
Now, onto something more important. Feeling. When you write a poem you want to make your reader feel. This poem is obviously a feeling poem. But I didn't feel anything from it. I didn't think anything even. I just read it and went "okay". But a poem needs to reach out and shake the reader and go FEEL SOMETHING! So, make your reader feel what you are feeling, put them as the "I" (not literally, though. Ew, second person poetry...) I have an article I wrote that talks about this some more: Emotional Poetry.
Your punctuation isn't a total wreck, it seems fine, so I'll leave it. But your capitalization feels like mass murder. Or rather, the lack of mass murder? Some poets capitalize the first word of each line, some poets capitalized based on grammar (the beginning of a new sentence) and some leave it out all together. This is fine, but like everything: Why? There needs to be some big reason. I tend to capitalize by line, but in my poem Black Water, I capitalized by sentence because I felt like it made each sentence more important rather than each line. (or something like that.) So read over your poem and ask yourself: Why don't I capitalize? Should I? Will it make a difference?
The last stanza(or verse, what ever you want to call it) kills me. I'd cut it out. The first one flows endlessly and looks good, but the last verse seems useless. Unless you can give it more meaning and feeling, then I'd cut it.
First maybe is one word, second, I hated that! I think it should just be "Would be electrifying" ending two lines with be is just too much...
Well, wasn't such a bad poem. This was a lot more of me rambling about stuff and less critiquing. Hope I actually did something to stimulate your thought process!
EDIT: I forgot one thing: Your title. What does it have to do with the poem? It seems sort of...weak in comparison to the poem. I think you could capture it better.
thank you both.
but is there anything you can think to change?
I really enjoyed this. You have a lot of good descriptions in this. I also like the way you have the lines.
I don't much know poetry but am trying to learn. I liked this very much, very descriptive. I easpeshally liked purpley-blue and skin cells.