Young Writers Society

Hi, wyd.evie, Pineapple here for a short review!

I thought this was a very well-written story. It illustrated the good and bad parts of a teenage romance that you wrote so beautifully heartbreaking. I found it relatable and realistic to people my age.

I don't have any big critiques though some of the words did not have space between them. It was a little bit unclear who Sterling was until further into the story. I suggest using the names in the introduction, to open up with.

I really liked the small flashback in the middle of the story. It showed how love can come so fast and then leave just as quickly. The car scene seemed very innocent and comedic and I loved how it just flowed.

My absolute favorite lines were "And I hated it. I hated how he affected me. I hated how much I cared." This part was so relatable. It shows how even though someone might not be good for you, it's hard to let them go. It almost seems impossible.

Overall, I thought you did a great job. Keep up the great work!

Signed,
Pineapple

Hi Wyd.Evie, I thought I'd leave a quick review.

Your first line immediately drew me in - hooke, line, and sinker. You did an incredible job with your descriptions. You told me how she felt without directly telling me. That is such a great skill to have as a writer. Grammatically, I did see some room for imporovement. There were a couple instances where words had no spaces between them.
"He wasn’t mine; I wasn’t his." I think this line would have more of a dramatic impact if you replaced the semi-colon with a period to make each thought more succinct and draw more attention to them.
"They fit perfectly with each other.He’s finally found someone who has an ego twice the size of his.A match made in heaven, if you asked me." At this line there is a noticeable change in emotion from sadness to bitterness. That is understandable.
"Sunshine blinded me as I exited the school. A gentle warmth amongst the chilly air. My feet moved on their own,furthering the distance between us. I wanted to run. Get as far away as possible, but he was a magnet pulling me back. A pesky force that somehow knew exactly how to weave his way into my heart." These sentences read a little choppy and fragmented. I would recommend combining some of the sentences here to improve the flow, though I definitely think "I wanted to run" should stay its own sentence.
"My body chilled, numbingall over. I clutched my heavychest as it knotted itself tightly.He said yes, I registered,heart sinkinglike an anchor." The phrase "I registered" feels a little awkward in this sentence. I'd recommend either removing it or replacing it with a different phrase to help the sentence flow better.
I was a little confused by Sterling's gesture towards the protagonist. It actually seemed like a very douchey thing to do, because as far as I can tell, they were broken up and she was hurt while he was with someone else. It seemed like a very arrogant thing to do, but then again that does play into his character since you mentioned earlier in the story that he had a large ego. It made me not like him.
The last line seemed a little anticlimactic, because she seemed to already know the whole time that she was screwed. She was hurting and every time she saw Sterling with Charlotte it was a painful reminder of what she no longer had. And what's worse is that deep down she still cared for him.
I would love to see what happens after the silent interaction between the protagonist and Sterling. Does she attend the Prom or does she avoid it like the plague? Overall, you did such a good job describing the protagnist's emotional state, you put me right inside her head. The dialogue was also very good too. This is a good story, and with a little improvement it could be even better.

Thank you for sharing!
Poetry Misfit

Reading stories like this reminds me how I've never had an original experience. This story really put the feeling of caring for someone so deeply, and not wanting to. It captured hating yourself for liking someone who could not care less about you. The small feeling of just him winking at her, I just know that that tiny TINY little gesture meant something to her when it shouldn't have. Here are my favorite lines:

"He’s finally found someone who has an ego twice the size of his."

"Closing my locker, I blew out a sharp breath. Knock it off, I told my stubborn heart. It refused to stop pounding in my ears."

"And I hated it. I hated how he affected me. I hated how much I cared. I hated the thought of him walking her to the door, kissing her goodnight."

This story made me feel something and it made me remember parts of my own life and emotions. And that's exactly what a good piece of writing should do. Good work!

Hello, wyd.evie! I'm Lorde. Welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy your time here. I know I certainly do. Anyways, I'm here to review your short story.

I love the line "flowers bloomed in the pit of my stomach." It's a very interesting visual, both physically and emotionally. Very striking.

I noticed that there were several instances where you had no spaces between words. For example, in paragraph 2, line 1, "about?Did shesay." It happens again in paragraph 3, line 1, paragraph 5, line 1, paragraph 6, line 1, and several other times throughout the piece. I would suggest a thorough read-through to fix that.

Another thing, the relationship between the main character and Sterling isn't clear. A couple of lines suggest a friendship, but descriptors with negative connotations indicate a rivalry. Which is it? Is the relationship complicated? Was it a friendship that devolved into a feud? A couple more details throughout the narrative would make the story clearer.

Who is the he referred to in the car scene? I am assuming Sterling, but why isn't his name introduced before this scene? If Sterling is the love interest, it would be best to introduce him at the very beginning by name rather than leaving it until the end. If the person in the scene isn't Sterling, who is it? Throughout the entire narrative, you mostly referred to characters as a pronoun without introducing the person behind them.

The subject, the feeling of unrequited love, looks pretty authentic. I like how the character doesn't admit defeat but accepts that it's inevitable. It seems much more human.

This story shows that you have a lot of potential. Keep writing, and you could be great one day. Good luck!
- Lorde