"I dont want to learn martial arts. Its a waste of time. What am I going to need it for?"
Wong asked his mother.She answers with a quick angry glance of the eye which both kids knew was never a good thing with mom so they went to their rooms. While Wong laid in his bed he didn't know why he had to learn martial arts all he knew was that he wouldn't need it, he was an aristocrat.Which meant he would have guards and he would be a high government official just like his dad with no worries and a good life with a great education.
The next morning Wong was woken up by his sister Ling .Who seemed to be excited about something,he wanted to know what. So he got up and did his daily routine with the hired hand that helped him.When Wong got to the area he was supposed to train there sitting on a beautiful horse with spring breeze blowing in its mane was his dad finally back from a months journey to talk to the mongols fierce and dangerous barbarians who were ruthless and gave no mercy, but his dad was there to give a peace offering. The joy Wong and Ling had in there eyes was like a kid seeing santa. They were overwhelmed in happiness.That was until Wong heard that dad was only going to be back for a couple days and wanted to see what Wong had learned about martial arts.
Wong said to his dad "that he didn't want to do martial arts,"
his dad was shocked. His dad responded by saying
"You need to learn it not to know how to fight but to be able to have your mind with your body and be one with yourself."
Later that day Mom and Dad were talking.Dad says in a weary voice
"do you really think it will work?"
Mom replied "Yes honey I really do he needs to control his anger or he might get mad and do something which could mess up his life this way."
Mom adds "He must go to a place far away where he will get a good education."
Dad says, "What are you thinking?"
Mom thinking wearily of the thought of here little boy going away. But the thing the parents didn't know was that there “little boy” was listening……... and plotting.
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello
I'm here for a quick review.
So, first off, I want to say that your tenses are a little scattered and messed up. Be sure to stay in the same tense (either past or present- generally you don't write in future tense for a whole story).
There is a ton of room for improvement in this piece, and I'm not trying to be mean. A lot of editing could be done, and once that is complete, your story will already be nicely improved. Next, I wanted to touch upon your title. "Life" doesn't seem like quite an interesting title, does it? Try and be more creative. What is so important about his life? What's his destiny? Go in a little more depth with that.
You have a nice little story going here, though. Keep up the good work.
~ EternalRain ^.^
thank you
Hey, wwho! Welcome to YWS!
To start this off, it seems like your dialogue really needs some work. I'll drop this right here for you to take a look at to keep your dialogue straight from the rest of the work:
And another issue that I see is your dialogue is really flat. It seems like you are trying to get your dialogue to be realistic, but it doesn't have any depth to it. Each character sounds the same and doesn't have the twists based on their character.
Speaking of characters, they too fall as flat as their dialogue makes them out to be. They are just kind of there and not developed very much. If I had to describe each character in one word to fully cover their personality, I couldn't, since it just isn't there. Try to really bring out their actions and think about the things that they would do specifically. For instance, they noble boy. His parents make him out to be some dangerous person who needs to control his anger, but the entire time, I just see him as a lazy brat who doesn't want to do anything.
So, the plot doesn't really line up with one another. It goes from this boy having to learn martial arts, to then having to leave on a jounrey to control his anger? It moves by so fast, just slow down and try to draw out each scene and show us what his life is like now, what has to happen. How do things go down in the first attempt?
There's still a lot of work for this, but it's a good start. Just try to really go into a lot more depth with this. Have any questions, feel free to contact me. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
thank you