z

Young Writers Society



Life

by wrunwrite1023


This is my poem on life:

Life
It’s a short story that everyone wishes
Would last just a little longer.
A race that seems too long while you run it,
But quick as a blink once it’s finished.
It’s running in the same circle over and over again
Before realizing the door has been open the entire time.
And a kick in the face
When all you really need is a hug.
A hang over after having nothing to drink,
An Advil when you need a doctor,
And a flower in the middle of a polluted city.
It’s cheating and still losing,
Trying only to fail,
And having success that just doesn’t feel right.
It’s drowning in a pool with no water,
Falling out of a tree you didn’t climb,
And getting the job you didn’t want.

It’s the empty spaces in a cemetery,
And not wanting to be the one to fill them.
An example of what not to do,
But doing it anyways.
It’s the same mistakes over and over again,
And learning that they’re impossible to avoid.
It’s sun during the funerals,
And rain on the wedding days.
It’s blinking at the best part
And falling asleep before New Years.
Then waking up and forgetting
That yesterday was ever there.
Its memories lost that are longed to be remembered.
It’s remembering memories that are longed to be lost.
It’s protecting the heart with a shield of glass,
Propaganda and lies being fed to the brain,
And staying in the seat when the time comes to stand.

It’s laughing at a joke that really isn’t funny,
And smiling in front of a hidden frown.
The fake I love you’s and true just kidding’s.
The harsh burns and wounds to the soul.
It’s taking one step forward, but falling back five.
It’s slipping on a dry floor,
Falling through ice that isn’t thin,
And buying something that didn’t break.
It’s making fun by calling real names,
Walking in the sun but still feeling rain.
It’s listening to words that aren’t meant to be heard,
But ignoring what really should be said.
Letting go of problems that should be held on to
And holding onto grudges that should be let go.
It’s forgiving and forgetting, when really it’s remembered,
Acting like its fine when it’s all knotted up,
And keeping things inside until they boil out.

It’s laughter and love, a privilege and a gift.
It’s seeing but being blind,
Hearing but being deaf,
And the voices of the mute.
It’s listening to the song no one is singing
And watching TV when the show is over.
It’s reality in the middle of fantasy,
And being unable to tell which one is real.
It’s the first and last breaths,
The words left unsaid,
And the answer to all questions.
It’s just because
And I don’t know.
Go away and are we there yet?
Its tomorrow’s promises, today’s worries,
And yesterday’s regrets.
It’s smiling to a stranger that doesn’t smile back.

It’s a game played by the entire population,
A competition that’ll never end.
It’s a beginning with no ending,
A story without a plot.
It’s not right and unfair,
I don’t like you and go away.
It’s leave me alone and shut up,
I’m sorry and I forgive you.
It’s twisted and wasted and taken advantage of,
It’s broken and mended but still not fixed.
It’s leaving and unable to come back,
Finding a home that’s already taken,
The American dream that doesn’t exist.
It feels right when it’s wrong
And wrong when it’s right,
It’s being first but feeling last.
But it’s the reason we’re here,
And we call it life.


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Thu May 08, 2008 7:04 pm
Leja wrote a review...



There are a lot of images here, but they're all ones that I've seen before as metaphors for life. Why not come up with something new? I've heard life being compared to books, races, and circles for as long as I can remember. The thing is, that even with these cliches, the poem doesn't really go anywhere. It's a long list of metaphors and by the end, I don't feel like I've gained, or even been offered, any new perspective on living. I think it would be more effective to concentrate on one metaphor (my favorite was "It's blinking at the best part") and concentrate on developing that as far as possible. That would be so much more effective than listing every possible way anyone's looked at life.




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Thu May 08, 2008 6:50 pm
wrunwrite1023 says...



Thanks everyone for your great critiques! I absolutley agree with pretty much everything you guys said and loved the feedback! Very helpful!
And to answer the question on how long it took me to draft it, I'd say about a half hour the first time (it was a lot shorter) Than the second time it took another half hour. I just let it all come out without thinking I guess!

Again, thanks for the feedback! You're all so amazing! :D (I'd love to hear more feedback, too! And I'll definitley make the changes you guys suggested!)




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Thu May 08, 2008 3:46 pm
Eimear wrote a review...



I think it would be better to name this poem 'Irony' because that's the overriding theme I got from it. I wrote a review for this before but my connection cut out (I was raging) however I really don't mind giving you another quick one.

I loved this. I loved this. I wrote that twice because I thought it was so good it even feels wrong trying to critque it. Your issues that you raised are very intelligent indeed, and there is a subtle dash of talent for poetry amongst the lines. I enjoyed the way it flowed, and didn't even think it was too long, although it is a lot longer than any of my pieces of poetry.

My favourite line(s) were:

It’s sun during the funerals,
And rain on the wedding days.


The American dream that doesn’t exist.


How long did it take to draft this? It seems as if you've measured out every line with an equal amount of thought.

Amazing!

Eimear




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Thu May 08, 2008 12:27 pm
casey_kent says...



Hey there!

Welcome to YWS!

I love this poem.. I love the contradictions that you put in the poem.. This poem is amazing. Lovely.

Great job!

Keep writing!

~Casey




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Thu May 08, 2008 10:04 am
scissorquiz wrote a review...



throughout, all i could think of was "ITS LIKE RAAAY-EEE-AAAIN ON YER WEDDING DAY," haha

some of the images were good, but like the above poster said, cut the 4th stanza down a whole lot. the 'flower in the middle of a polluted city' line was good, it seems cliche but it's a fitting image. a nice surprise in a world of garbage.




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Thu May 08, 2008 5:56 am
Summerless wrote a review...



Welcome to Young Writers Society. This is an interesting poem. I, too, don't mind the negativity as long as it fits. And it does.

Try condensing some of the lines, though. The fourth stanza is entirely composed of oxymorons. After the first four lines of that stanza we kind of get the gist of what you're meaning so I think you should pick and sort out the ones that are most meaningful.

Else than that it looks good.

Hope you like YWS!
- Summerless <3~




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Mon May 05, 2008 2:03 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



I really, really liked this. I don't mind at all that it's negative, because that's way I prefer to write, too.

My favourite lines:

wrunwrite1023 wrote:It’s sun during the funerals,
And rain on the wedding days.
It’s blinking at the best part
And falling asleep before New Years.


But I think "getting the job you didn't want" doesn't sound good coming after another of my favourite lines "falling out of a tree you didn't climb". Either change their places or make up another one instead of "getting the job..."

Great job!
Demeter




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Mon May 05, 2008 3:58 am
ink_on_fire wrote a review...



Hey :)

Welcome to YWS.

Just one thing - it's in the rule book that new members review two other posts bfeore posting their own work. :) It keeps the ratio to a good 2:1. So just head over to someone's work and let them know what you think. :)

Now onto your poem. I'm impressed. I don't feel there is enough structure, but otherwise, I love your imagery. Your vocabulary ranges enough to show the reader the differences in life and I love your metaphors and similies.

My only problem is that is terribly negative. By the last verse I am considering whether I should keep living, lol.

Overall, I think I like this poem. I wasn't sure before, but after reading it more thoroughly I think the way you have used the words to describe our life is very clever.

Nice work.

Peace V :P
Inky





Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp