Look at that smile. That boy knows
how to make a girl blush. His
laugh makes the butterflies in my
tummy turn into bats. Laid back,
but he`s shy. Quiet but he`s funny. Casual
but he`s sweet. Damn if he doesn`t
get any girl he wants.
But he wants me.
Jaws drop, eyes pop, you
Lucky, lucky girl.
With all those girls who have
pretty smiles, decent grades,
he picks the one who cant seem to
make up her mind
about what or who she wants.
He`s so innocent, deserves so much better
than someone like me.
I have him in the palm of my
hands, and can crush him with
one squeeze, but I`d never,
ever hurt him. I need that smile
if his. I need the conversation`s
we have. But mostly I need
to know that at least
someone loves me. Even if it's so
hard to love back.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Nice piece.. I loved the beginning, but wasn't crazy about the rest. The imagery was a bit confusing, and the breaks seemed randomly placed.. the tone at the beginning was great, but then you lost it in a very limited word choice, and simplistic phrases.
I still enjoyed the piece, but was let down after the gorgeous opening, and the last poem of yours I saw.
-Coral-
I'm having trouble understanding what this means. Is it supposed to mean that the speaker's jealousy of this boy turns the pleasant feelings into jealous feelings? It's a vivid image; maybe I'm just not understanding what it's supposed to mean.
I'd put a clarifying "he" before "deserves". Right now, it reads, "He is so innocent, he is so deserves so much better..."
The corrections I made: 1) changed "if" to "of"; 2) took out the apostrophe in "conversations" (I'm pretty sure you meant plural instead of possessive); 3) replaced the period after "me" with a comma, since it appears to be one continuous thought.
Other than that, very nice poem. I could see myself in the description of the boy, and it makes me wonder how many hearts I'm breaking because of it.
Excellent work, keep it up,
kf
I don't have much to say. I'm just now getting use to the whole reveiwing thing, but i do really like this poem. There's just something about it that kinda takes your breath away. Maybe its the truth behind it all.
Good job!
Hey,
I think u kidnapped my brain! Good job and I agree defo a situation a lot of people would find themselves in. But i do disagree. I feel the poem does have emotion but it's like your trying to keep a safe distance from this guy. I like this poem very much.
Wanna swap notes any time. I'm your girl ;D
Brown Eyed Girl x
you might wanna change if to of.
Great poem, a situation that's definitely not uncommon, especially in high school. It seemed to rhyme in the beginning and maybe in the end but i didn't see a constant rhyming pattern so I don't know if rhyming was your intention.
It did feel a little bland I'm sorry to say. Maybe because I'm not really feeling that way nor would I allow myself a false relationshi but it just didn't feel that emotional. So whether or not this is coming from a personal experience it could be a lot better.
However you did describe the part where he's completely at your mercy nicely. But I wasn't feeling the torment that you were going through, seeing that it must be difficult that you can't make up your mind and you don't want to hurt the guy's feelings. So maybe a little polishing here and there and it could be better. Still a good poem though.