Published January 24, 2011
This is a small little snippet of something I'm working on. Not giving away too much here. Enjoy. Don't kill it.
I knocked on her door at 7:49 am. It swung open a moment later, revealing a very tired looking Amelia. She was half dressed, wearing her uniform kilt and tights, but still sporting her pyjama top. She also had a toothbrush wedged in between her teeth.
"Kmfth," she said, which I realized afterwards was my name in toothbrush talk. "Gmrnfng."
"Good morning to you, too," I said, then flashed her a wry smile. "Happy birthday."
Amelia smiled faintly, sighed, slumped forward, and took the toothbrush out of her mouth. "Thanks," she said with a mouth full of paste.
After I hugged her and was ushered inside, she ran to the bathroom to rinse her mouth. When she came back out to the kitchen-living room area of her apartment, she'd already switched to her uniform polo. Amelia looked utterly exhausted.
"I think my mom turned off my alarm this morning," She said as I plopped onto the couch. "I woke up at 7:45. My alarm goes off almost an hour before that."
"How late did you stay up last night?" I asked, noticing a sheet of paper on the farthest side of the coffee table topped with a little pink bow.
"Not that long," Amelia mumbled as she opened the fridge and poured herself a glass of orange juice. I could immediately sense something was up.
"What's wrong?" I asked, probably sounding just a bit too concerned for a guy that was just supposed to be her friend.
Amelia chugged her juice down in two quick gulps then slammed the cup on the counter. "Nobody even woke me up to sing happy birthday." She muttered, hurt.
"Well maybe they didn't want to disturb your birthday sleep?" I offered.
"Kenneth," Amelia said, turning to face me while propping her elbows on the counter behind her. "Every year since I was four, my family would wake me up at 6:30 to serenade me, kiss me, hug me, etcetera, etcetera, and give me a present."
"Maybe they were in a hurry?"
"Maybe they forgot," Amelia snorted, putting her glass in the sink. She walked over to the couch and put her head on my shoulder. I rested my head on hers. We both stared blankly at the empty TV screen. "Sixteen was supposed to be awesome."
"Sixteen still has three hundred and sixty four days to be awesome."
"But starting off bad is like a jinx."
I eyed the paper with the bow again. I figured she hadn't noticed it yet.
"Are you sure they forgot?" I asked. "Maybe they did sing happy birthday but you slept right through it."
The corner of her mouth turned up. "I wasn't that dead to the world."
As we sat in silence, I listened to her breathe. We were officially different ages. It would take me seven months to catch up to her now. I mean, she was already so ahead of me; she was crazy smart, mature, she had the vocabulary of a scholar, she knew what she wanted and how she was going to get there.
Me? Pfft. All I wanted was to get high. And to have more moments like these with Amelia.
"I'm already late for school," she murmured, yet she didn't move.
I looked at the clock on top of the TV. "Me too," I murmured back.
Neither of us moved an inch.
"You know when you said your family always gives you a present?" I asked.
Amelia lifted her head and looked me straight in the eyes. "Yeah."
I tilted my head in the direction of the coffee table. "What's that?"
Amelia looked. She slowly stood up, reached for it, and flicked the ribbon off. I studied her face as she read the paper, her eyebrows coming together at first, then slowly going back to their normal place, though her eyes widened with every word.
"Oh my... God," She whispered, putting a hand over her mouth and then resting it on her cheek.
"What?" I asked quickly, hoping it wasn't an expensive phone bill or an eviction notice.
Amelia fumbled with the paper, flipping it over to reveal another one underneath. As the first page swayed back and forth, I saw the words printed on the front. They even made my heart skip a beat. Or two.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,917 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Wow! Way to leave us all in suspense!!!! This sounds like it's going to be a really great novel/ story. I can't wait to read more!!! This was great. Your word choice was good and I didn't notice verycmany nitpickz that have not already been noted above.
Great Job! Please write more soon!!!
Good job. I enjoyed it, and it was nearly entirely free of small knit picks. You went over it pretty well before posting it here I'd guess.
I comma doesn't seem right here. Go with a period or a semicolon.
I have basically no other suggestions as far as that goes. You're writing in a great voice, and doing great. Keep it up.
Okay, so it's starting out good. The girl isn't perfect and the guy seems caring. Fawesome. And neither of them are whining constantly.
You deserve a gold star.
Now, onto helpful tips and nit-picking!
" I mean, she was already so ahead of me; she was crazy smart, mature, she had the vocabulary of a scholar, she knew what she wanted and how she was going to get there. "
No Oxford Comma. I thought you were missing an and because you didn't use an Oxford Comma. I suggest you use one, since it makes the break more obvious and clean.
" Me? Pfft. All I wanted was to get high. And to have more moments like these with Amelia. "
“One of the reasons why a lot of my characters are high is that it’s easier to write for people who are stoned, who are not very smart and don’t know big words.”
–Judd Apatow
FINALLY:
No, no, no! You cannot end it like that! I deny you the right to end it like that. Seriously. You must finish this, or I will hit you with a herring, I swear...
Anyway, nicely done. I could see what they were up to. You didn't exactly foreshadow lightly, but that's okay. The boy would have noticed the note before the girl, probably, just because she was too upset to notice. Still, it is her house. Think that over?
Two last things:
Describe the room a bit more, perhaps? I can't see it. I'm blind. Stop making me blind.
And, yeah, there was supposed to be something here, but you didn't have a problem where I thought there was a problem. Fawesome.
...You didn't give me much to nitpick...*sighs dramatically and wanders off*
DUDE!!! i hate the suspense!!! but nice writing. it's like you could be there
OK, WOW.
This was a very good story, and leaves you wanting more.
Like everyone else said, CLIFFHANGER!!!!!
I also hate cliffhangers, especially when they are on short stories. You might want to consider posting more.
Other then that, a fantastic short story.
One that I will definitely look forward to coming back to and seeing if you have posted anything else.
Keep writing, and thank you!
Your YWS friend,
CassidyRose
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, But learning to dance in the rain.
Hi there! Tomm here to comment.
Okay, this is very well written.
I'm just hoping that your, "Cliffhanger." Is something BIG. And worth the wait.
For the most part. I hate when a short story leaves with me a cliff hanger. It makes me ask questions......
Does this writer know what's going happening next?
Does this writer know how to finish this?
Is this writer too lazy to come up with a terrific ending, so she thinks by leaving it, "open." The writer feels it's complete and that she/he is "smart" in doing so.
Hope you finish this.
Keep writing!!
~ T.K
Hello there.
Anyways, I would like to say that I liked it, even though it's killing me not to know what's going on. Although, sometimes a little suspense is good. 
I must say that I'm quite confused right now... I don't know if you meant to leave us that way or not, but it's kind of driving me crazy not to know what was the paper saying. I don't even think I know what it is. Maybe hint that it could be something, or some foreshadowing. Or perhaps, you could post the next part, and that would get rid of that problem.
-Other One
Oh come on clifhanger! I loved it the suppence the sandness. You need to post more like now i'm beggin you. On the review side of things. I loved the connection you gave the aduience and i also really liked your flow and word choice. Keep up the writing and good work! POST MORE LIKE NOW PLEASE!!!!