Looking in the mirror,
she doesn't recognize her face.
Sadly he didn't love her,
he only liked the chase.
Heart broken, and tears shedding,
through the pain and agony of a broken heart.
But she was too caught up to listen,
she feared having to part.
This man she thought she loved,
left wounds that would never heal.
Sadly she never figured,
her hear was open for him to steal.
She kept her scars and bruises,
hidden from all the world.
at the time all her thoughts and memories,
were being whirled, and whirled and swirled.
He always said he loved her,
but we all know it's not true.
All the while he acted,
as if he didn't have a clue.
To wander the thoughts of a woman,
to invade her state of mind.
surely a this cruel man,
ought to be blind.
finally when she noticed,
she wasn't being treated right.
She parted with this loaner,
and can now sleep through the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Your poem was very deep, i see a ton emotion pouing inside your poem.
you're very good at writing although your rhythem changed a little bit towards the end, but you stayed on topic, which i thaught was really good, i alwayz have a hard time with that, But yeah, i like your poem alot! good job. -AnnaBanana
Alrighty, let's see what I can do for you, Bella, my friend. ^_^
I think a double dash (--) would work better instead of that comma. Sadly, he didn't love her--he only liked the chase.
I know repetition is good in poetry and lyrics, but I don't quite like it in this instance. I don't know how to change it either since I'm no poet.
Replace the comma with a double dash. The second part is a bit awkward. I hope that word makes it sound better. XD
Delete this comma.
Delete comma again. You don't always need commas to separate lines. ^_^ Also, rhythm again. Maybe: Sadly, she never figured her heart he would steal.
If you mean to make two separate sentences, delete those two commas at the end and insert on after 'at the time'. I think I'd make it two sentences if you intended on one whole one anyway. ^_^
You switched tense, which I think it's bad, but maybe poetry thinks differently? =/ I dunno, but the second line should read: ...but we all knew that wasn't true.
Delete comma.
Replace the period with a double dash and delete the comma after 'cruel man'.
Capitalize the first word.
Overall, this is good. Some rhythm issues which explains some grammar issues, but that's fixable, as well as your comma usage. I can't give any more inspiration, seeing as I'm no poet, but...yeah, lol.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
critique this please?