Young Writers Society

Hello!
I think this poem has such interesting imagery that expresses emotion so well- such as in lines 4,5,7, and 11.
When you mentioned

shouts for those who will never hear
my parents, my siblings, my classmates

This is a really unexpectedly intense poem. I'm impressed!

It hits especially hard having family who are living near the fires / smoke in the US, and also having had a family member lose all almost all their possessions via fire - I find the turn really interesting that at first I assume the poem is about breathing in smoke, but then we learn the speaker is actually on fire!

I don't know if "a branch on a bonfire" was a metaphor or if you tried to literally make it from the perspective of a branch, but I don't think that's a very effective line. Being from the perspective of a branch on a bonfire is just a lot less intense than from the perspective if something living, and a tree probably doesn't have classmates. If it's meant figuratively I don't think it adds much because it's saying "I'm on fire, like something on fire" ... sorta like saying "it was raining, like the middle of a rainstorm". It adds nothing markedly new.

I agree with Veeran the highlight for me was the cliffhanger at the end, great suspense and there's a lot of direction someone could it interpret out of that.

And I agree with whatcha a second look at formatfing could really boost this to the next level. I like the minimalist capitalization for this though and also your repetition in a couple places making it seem like the soeaker was really spiraling.

Overall, well done! This was an enjoyable read.

alliyah

Also welcome to the site! Keep on writing!

welcome to YWS!

apart from the distinct stylistic choices you've made here, keeping each sense and feeling separate form the last, i do enjoy the fact that you've done your best to capture the feeling of fire moment. i'm not sure if you were going for the image of being engulfed by flames and smoke all around, but that is definitely the vibe i get when reading through this.

in terms of nitpicks, i'd certainly suggest better word choice for certain lines;

i can’t see, either

Hi there writingbright! First off, welcome to YWS ~ if you have any questions about the site (or this review) I'd be glad to help

You've got some really great imagery and stylistic choices going on in this poem! I'm going to divide my review into three parts, things I liked, suggestions, and overall thoughts, since my thoughts are a bit scattered at the moment.

What I liked
Like I said, you've got some gripping imagery sprinkled throughout the poem. I love the consistency of the fire/burning descriptions, and I think you have a good balance between keeping the poem focused, but also not getting repetitive with the same fire descriptions over and over again.

my face is aflame

burning - a branch on a bonfire

slowly, slowly

pain

screams rip my throat
shouts blah blah blah
and all that comes between

pain.

Well. This is horrifying. Hiya, i'm penn, and you've brought back some memories.

Fire has a specific sort of touch on the human body. I've experienced it plenty of times with bubbling oil and fireworks, and while you've managed to keep it reigned in, I feel like you could've gone just a bit further in describing the pain such heat inflicts on lines six and seven.

Lines nine, ten, and eleven could also benefit from better description, though, of course, trying to impart the feeling of choking on the impermeable, blackened hand of burning wood can make anyone feel queasy.

Lines twelve, thirteen, and fourteen make me realize that there are still some things that can't truly be described without turning into gore, so I think you've done a good job so far. Terrifying, but good job.