burning bright
like a flash of lightning
striking high above the rooftops
an assault on the gods
-
the trees
red with approaching autumn
stand taller than a skyscraper
overlooking a million homes
-
look down
and you see nothing
but road and pavement-
the lake, standing by
-
the world is empty
peaceful, like a bird in flight
yet inside the building blocks:
death is in the air
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hey there writingbright. I was just going through my review drafts and saw that I had never finished my review on your lovely little poem here.
My comments today are a mixture of technical and the actual content of the poem. To start with, there's some parts of the line breaks that set me off a little bit with how many words there are in each line. It's not the inconsistency as much as it's the sound of each line and how the longer lines after the short lines do lag a little bit. Punctuation would actually do you a lot of good. Flow seems to have been left out of the process for how this poem is pieced together and that's something to think about if you go forward with another draft.
The troublesome part about this content for me is how often you jump between different points of thought without anything to stitch all of the ideas together. People often compare the writing of a poem to that of creating a quilt, where each colorful portion is going to differ from the others, but there has to be something to put everything together at the very end. This poem feels like there needs to be at least one more stanza of content, with the aim of drawing conclusions, so that the narrator's different veins of thought don't seem so sudden in their shifts.
There's a lot of good imagery examples in this poem, if I do separate it from the other issues. I think adding in more color based imagery might help for the different imagery schemes to match up. Talking about the red colors of autumn is a good entrance point to talk about how the other colors of the other points of focus might add to the mood that you're trying to form. There are colors that can be connected to the word "empty" that can bring about many different moods depending on what you choose.
This is a good start and I hope you decide to do a second draft of this poem.
Happy February.
- Jack
Loved reading this! It's easy to read and simple without seeming childish.
I really liked the imagery, especially at the end. "peaceful, like a bird in flight" really creates an atmosphere, especially when contrasted with "death is in the air".
Thanks for sharing your poem, have a great day
Thanks, glad you enjoyed the poem!
Hi! I loved this poem.
really shows just how many people are in the world, and the fact that you used "homes" rather than "houses" personalizes that large number of people in the world.First of all, I just like the way the poem looks; the all lowercase letters and short lines provide for easy reading.
The line
I really enjoyed the metaphors and similes you used, such as and My absolute favorite out of those has to be the last one I mentioned- I just love the image that it gives the reader.
Anyway, this was a rather short review, but thanks for sharing your poem!
Thanks for the review!