You treat me bad
Because I am not as smart as you
You treat me like I’m worthless
Because I don’t speak the same language as you
You treat me like I don’t matter
Because I don’t have the same skin color as you
You treat me like I don’t belong
Because I am different
You hate me
Because I have my own beliefs, different from yours
You look down on me
Because I don’t walk like you
Because I don’t eat like you
Because I don’t talk like you
Because I am a stranger to you…
I am the oppressed
Thanks for reading! If you can find some time to critique it, that would be great.
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I think it should be:
"Because i am a stranger to you,
I am the oppressed."
Well that's what I think. It was a very powerful and beautiful poem and i would like to see more of this. You don't have to change it, but i think that the comma is best
A solid effort but like so many poems it only tells you things, a poem loses most of its power when it tells you what to see instead of allowing you to see it. in this effort you just declare what oppressed people see and feel. And one more bit of criticism, since when are the oppressed so innocent, you take all the humanity away by making the oppressed so sad and desperate. You make the oppressed in you poem weak and inconsolably stuck in oppression. Having different beliefs and the such aren't what make people oppressed, its that somebody with enough power wants to oppress, they can have all the reasons you mentioned to justify the oppression but the root of oppression is brute force.
Hey! First off, I'll let you know that on YWS you should post two reviews before posting work of your own, then keep the review to work ratio 2:1 - that way, everyone hopefully gets some feedback on their work.
I'm going to quote the whole poem and edit it slightly:
I think 'Because I am a stranger to you' makes a far stronger last line.
The poem's structure is a fairly simple back-and-forth, which I think works well for it. However, the poem isn't forcing itself to stand out yet. It deals with discrimination and racism and oppression but it doesn't really bring any new insights to the subjects. Do you know what I mean? I think you could lift it a level by including some poetic techniques - similes, metaphors, sound devices like alliteration and so on.
Hope this helps a little - good luck with your writing!
This is a very powerful poem here. I like it. I do have a few changes i would like you to consider however. Like...
"You treat me like I’m worthless
Because I don’t speak the same language as you
You treat me like I don’t matter
Because I don’t have the same skin color as you" To me i think i would prefer if you would swap the 1st and 3rd lines around, i dunno it just seems to fit better for me.
"You hate me
Because I have my own beliefs, different from yours" The last line here holds a little too much text for me. I would prefer if you just kept it simple and flowing like the rest of the poem like..
"You hate me.
Because my beliefs are different." Or something like that (i wouldn't use that example because it isn't very goog. Lol.
The lines "You treat me bad" "Because I don’t speak the same language as you" etc. are statements i want them to have fullstops on the end please.
Anyway, i hope i have helped, this poem could be a great sucess with a little work! I think you as a writer has some potential aswell. Please consider my points and check back through to see if i have missed something and overall keep writing! Great poem, interesting way of writing the poem too!