Published July 1, 2011
It's not that I lied,
It's more that a kept.
The trust, the deceit
it'll make you upset.
I'm keeping it from you,
so you don't get hurt.
To tell you all that,
I will feel like dirt.
I made a promise
that i cannot break.
I want to tell you
but i am not fake!
I'm not telling my readers,
no-one needs to know.
The hurt and betrayal,
your friends have showed.
One day you'll know,
the lies and truth.
The reason I didn't tell you
was because I like you!
Thankyou for reading, I'm not the best at putting commas and fullstops etc. into my poems but that's not what I am focussed on. What I want YOU to tell ME, is your opinion of what this poem was about? And if you haven't noticed I didn't go in more detail of what the 'lies' were as I wanted to keep the lies as a secret.
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138,179 Literary Works • 672,080 Reviews
i liked the overall theme of the poem. Although, it all seemed too forced. it didnt flow very well. it seemed more like you were trying to make it rhyme than to portray the emotion behind it. its a very promising idea, however; you should find a more natural, free-flowing way of delievering it. i did like it because i could connect. you picked a topic that is broad in a sense but in another in fits each individual in a completely unique way. keep going with the idea, but try to tell a story through the poem. dont let it fade into a just rhyme.
-lexi ♥
i really like the poem and what it says (because havnt we all kind of been there) and it had a nice flow to it exept for the last two lines of the last stanza but all in all a really good poem, great job!
I like what you're trying to portray; however, the last lines of your stanzas are so forced, it's making me physically gag. Change those, definitely, because you're desperately trying to make them rhyme and it doesn't work.
Apart from that, you have a lot of nice phrases and there's evidence of thought and heart in this poem.
Hi, pigeon here to review
Okay, so you said you don't really care about grammar, but I'm going to make a few very basic corrections anyway, because if your grammar is wrong it distracts from the message of the poem.
Alrighty. You have an interesting conflict of emotions in this; wanting the best for someone, but having to lie to them. Conflict is what keeps readers reading, so that's good. You also express it quite nicely with lines like 'it's more that I kept' - I really liked that. However, the idea is a little clichéd, so you really need to bring something original to it. I think this lacks that little extra bit of originality. Also, be wary of repeating yourself. What you have here is five verses all saying basically the same thing. It could work if you slowly revealed a little more detail each verse, but you say you want to keep everything a secret. That works to an extent, as you keep the reader guessing and wondering, but you really need to give us some information, or it becomes boring.
You have the starts of a really good poem here! Keep working on it!
I hope you find this helpful!
- pigeon