Published June 30, 2011
Shining from the crowd
I am destined to be,
hopefully one day;
people will see.
I'm not an ordinary person
you could tell if we spoke,
but you don't have that chance,
you think i'm a joke.
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138,951 Literary Works • 672,340 Reviews
Loved this!! I feel the exact same way, I have always wanted to do something great, be great. It was lovely but maybe you could make it a little longer, elaborate, I would love to understand why people think you are a joke more. Other than that. Awesome!
OK, to me, it seems cute, and I like that it's short and tidy, and all, but what is the BASIS of it? What ARE you if you're not ordinary? What are you 'destined' to BE? What could I 'tell' if we spoke? That you're not ordinary? But...I still don't know WHY you're not ordinary!! You get what I mean? Pretty much this is just an...outline. It's not giving me the actual point. There's no actual story.
It's just like a skim of what the real inner base of the poem is, and without having a strong base it just feels lacking. All the ideas are grafted around a point, but the point isn't even there, so it just leaves the reader (at least I think,) wondering, slightly confused, and almost irritated because the questions this arouse are unanswered. All of them.
It's OK to have parts of a poem abstract, but if the whole poem is abstract it isn't very well written. You want to leave some things to the imagination, to provoke thoughts and ideas, but not all of it.
Hope this makes sense and wasn't too harsh! Good luck!
Hey, there! Glim here to review!
So, you have a great poem here! It's quite short, but you wrap up your thoughts nicely in two quatrains, so kudos for that. I liked the simple rhyme scheme that you follow through on: it keeps the poem moving and it doesn't detract from the piece itself. I just noticed a couple grammar and convention mistakes. Take the first stanza, for instance:
I would write it more like this:
Putting a semicolon there as opposed to after "day" is more grammatically correct and also makes more sense - to me at least.
Okay, on with!
Second stanza:
I would just change a couple things:
So just a couple little conventional things in this one. I liked this stanza especially because it did a nice job wrapping up your poem and completing the meaning. Overall, I really enjoyed your piece: it's light but very poignant, and even through simple imagery, conveys the narrator's feelings immensely well. If you had any interest in seriously revising it, I would suggest using a central metaphor to describe the situation in way that is more lyrical and could change the way the reader read the poem. This would just help to enforce a more potent meaning, and show what you're trying to say as opposed to telling it. But anyway, beautiful work! I enjoyed reading and reviewing this!
Keep writing,
~Glim
COMPLETELY RELATE TO THIS.
The content of the poem was great, well written, and I can completely relate. It's just the cosmetics that need to be altered. Also, I know some writers choose not to capitalize but I think it might be best for you to capitalize in this case. It will make it look better.
Pm with any questions and good job!
Veritas
Here's what I have to say:
"Shining from the crowd"
"from" seems a little dodgy. Would it be better to use shining "in the crowd", you stand apart from the crowd, you shine amongst/in something. But I am not too sure about this.
I wish you used images, or metaphors to express, if not expand, your idea. Idea-wise the poem is pretty good and simple but sweet.
There's a brilliant poem in Bengali with a similar theme, but the poet tells it from the persona of a matchstick. You know, the immense potential hidden in such a tiny object. I wish the translation were available online. I think you'd like it.