Published August 10, 2011
I stood on the cemented stairs,
I bring myself to knock.
Patterned footsteps stomping,
shivering from the cold.
The rain pelting down behind me,
my stomach rumbling from hunger.
Strong winds hitting against my body
and i'm crazy with all this anger.
My parents had warned me too..
Not to come to this house.
The owner is a wicked witch
but she is quiet as a mouse.
The wicked witch's hands
lay against the wooden door,
opening slowly to my heart beats.
I don't wanna' be here anymore!
I set foot inside the dark house,
where I see a crystal ball.
Inside shows me my future,
my hungry stomach made me fall!
I then got up from the wonky floor
and when I did, 10 cards were present
for me to pick 1 card from the selection
and what I pick, I will soon resent.
The wicked witch gasps,
she looks straight in my eyes.
I picked the least wanted card
the death card, we sure were surprised!
I ran away from the house,
tears crawling down my face.
Looking back at the wicked witch,
my parents warned my about that place.
I get to my room upstairs,
all wet from the harsh rain.
Thoughts come to my mind
i'm about to go insane!
I'm not sure how long,
or even how soon.
I will leave this world and won't finish my dreams,
of travelling to the moon!
My family and friends I will miss the most!
They have been there for me all the way,
to know i won't be there for them.
I've been dreading for this day.
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138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Not bad!
I did see the lack of setting, though, but that's just the main problem here.
There were a few small things I found bugging me, however...
Just 'to'.
You don't need an apostrophe there, dear. However, seeing it's a mildly serious poem, you can leave the slang. 'Want to' doesn't really mess up the rhythm - it's your choice, of course.
Best leave number quantities as 'ten' and 'one' rather than their numerals. It's better in writing.
You've been dreading this day, not for it.
Other than that, I liked it very much. The rhyming scheme was consistent - not something we see often! - and your idea is good. Though a few words seem present simply to suit the scheme and could have been easily replaced with something better, I like this version. Make sure you capitalize 'I' when it refers to yourself.
To be honest, I loved the first paragraph. It totally sent a 'nice one!' message through my head. It sets the atmosphere and the feelings of the person perfectly. Lovely.
Keep writing~! <3
Hey, content-wise I really enjoyed your poem. I didn't get much of a setting which left a little confusion, but normally I wouldn't expect that from a poem this short and isn't a huge problem. For the most part it was an enjoyable story, especially near the beginning. However both content-wise and writing-wise it felt like there was a lot more effort put into the beginning than the end. The beginning is engaging, detailed, and pretty crisp. As it neared the ending it felt almost like you were rushing to finish it, and each stanza seemed to be a bit more abrupt than the last. Also, when it began the rhythm was good and the rhymes were good (though they don't really add anything to a poem like this, really it's author's choice). As it neared the end the rhythm became choppy and broken, and the entire thing seemed almost forced. Overall it would take a bit of work to fix up, but there's definitely something workable. Hope I helped.
Wow I really mean that,this is and amazing poem the passion the emotion I can feel it great poem.
Everything about it is excellent the details the soul and the meaning of poetry its all there.keep writing
Heey, I really like this poem! I love how you rather keep the text interesting and serence and sacrifice a few primary rhymes to something secondary or just something to keep the good rythm and flow up instead of making everything seem forced. WHoaa, that was a long sentence, hope you grasped it all!
Also, I like the structure and almost every line was of perfect size to aid the flow... every line except the third one on the second last stanza - it's a bit too long I'm afraid. Overall though this was very good! I think you wouldn't lose anything to adding some more imagery but yeeh, you'll survive even without that. Here you go; 4/5 hairy spiders from moi!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness