Young Writers Society

WOW this is really good. Im really curious to find out what happens next. You should put a little more detail in to your characters though. I'm really anxious to see what the brothers are supposed to look like. Well you know me.




Greaat job, keep writing!!

I chose to read/critique this story for one reason. I liked your opening line. It makes me want to read to at least the end of the paragraph to see what the answer is.
Welcome to YWS, by the way
(Go greet yourself in the community forums if you haven't already and read the rules )

writing_music_life wrote:This family is obviously the answer. They’re also the problem. How and why does this always happen to me?! Just as I’m starting to get used to an idea!

writing_music_life wrote:On my way to school I’m thinking about that ((the)) new family that [s]just[/s] moved in next door. Their daughter is fairly pretty. She’s seems nice, although I could tell that something was bothering her. I wonder what it is. I’m guessing that she is the youngest, the way that she got her parents attention so easily. My little sister can do that too, annoying little brat. *The brothers seemed a little more relaxed. Although I noticed that they didn’t talk much. Actually they didn’t talk at all. The parents are very much resembled in their children. The daughter’s hair and eyes are the same colour as the father. The sons’ height and skin tone is very much their mother.

writing_music_life wrote:My observations were cut short as Jake tapped my shoulder. I flinched instinctively.
“Oh carp! ((carp? Do you mean crap?))” I yelled.
“Sorry ‘bout that but we got to go, we’re at school.” He responded offended that he frightened me.
“Oh, thanks. It’s just that you startled me.” I answered still recovering from the startle.

Hey there!

I personally think that your story needs more description of the characters-it helps the reader to imagine them as being real, and helps them to want to find out more.

This could become something great-just try using more description throughout, like maybe desribe the town, the character that's speaking etc.

I quite like your beginning, though. It's quite snappy and a bit different.

If you post more of your story, I'll most definitely review it!

Keep writing!

Hey,Writing, I'm des. This has potential, but you need to work on it a bit. You should--as foxfire stated--use more description and really show the readers what's going on. You also have quite a bit of short sentences that are way too curt. Pay a little more attention to punctuation too. However, I think this is the beginning of a great idea.

Could I just throw ideas? It's bolded, ok.

You have:"This family is obviously the answer. They’re also the problem. How and why does this always happen to me?! Just as I’m starting to get used to an idea!

It could have gone more like:This family is obviously the answer.
But there're also the problem.( This on a new line creates a suspenseful effect.)
I am clueless as to why and how this always happens to me. ( After here you can elaborate on what really is ''happening'', you know?)


And you have:''My observations were cut short as Jake tapped my shoulder. I flinched instinctively.

“Oh carp!” I yelled.''

It could have been:'' I felt a tap on my shoulder. Instinctively, I flinched.

'' Oh crap!'' I yelled.
I turned around to stare into Jake's big hazel eyes.
''Sorry,'' he apologized.'' We better hurry or otherwise we'll be late."
(After the "sorry" in that last line there, you could've put the relation Jake had with the Main Character so readers may know who Jake really is. Eg. "Sorry,"my bestfriend apologized.) " Oh, it's no problem," I replied, shaking my head." It's just that you startled me." Actually, startled was the wrong word. I wonder if there was another word exactly that would've sufficed for nearly wetting my pants.

The body could be a bit more descriptive. And always remember to make your characters more real. Like I mentioned before this is the beginning of a great idea, so keep on writing. I want to know what is so strange about that family so don't abandon this if I came off a tad harsh, ok?

Keep on writing!
Good luck

Okay, the first thing ic an comment is that you tell the characters not show them. In other words, you must show that something is botehring the girl by the use of description. What is she doing that makes ehr bothered. Whetehr it is the low stare on the eyes to the way she is talking.

You must also give some details and that the plot lack something. But i think it is still in an early stage. an example for details is to tell what kind of color is ehr eye and how relax are the boys.