Prologue
"Haydence," a soft voice called to the rugged boy seated by the large stained-glass window. It was clear that he was still sulking. "Oh cheer up," she begged as she stepped up to his side. He turned his pink cheeks away from her caring gaze. Just the mere thought of her leaving made him shudder. This was one thing she would not sway his decision on. "I can't stand to see you like this, Hayde." She placed a warm and familiar hand on his broad shoulder. He shook it off and crossed the room.
"I'm the one leaving and you're taking it worse than me," she moaned. “Please don't look so glum. Do you think that I want to abandon the place that I've spent all seventeen years of life in? I promise I'll visit you often and I'll never forget….you."
She choked on the last word, realizing what she would be leaving behind. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought of the life ahead of her. What if she did forget about him? She couldn't bear letting herself be happy without him. But her father needed her. She couldn't just let him go to Venice to fend for himself.
She observed his shoulders fall as he released a long sigh. He faced a wall covered in books, trying to avoid her hypnotic eyes.
"I'm sorry I've been acting so horrible to you,” he said as he turned around and walked over to her. He placed his large hand in hers. "It's just that I'm going to miss you, Natalie. Miss you dearly. Being alone here is going to be a train wreck for me. You are the only one who understands me. Why can't you just...just stay?" He whispered the last word.
"My Dad needs me. You know that,” Natalie explained for the hundredth time.
He rolled his eyes. "Your dad is old enough to live by himself. He can't keep depending on you for everything."
"I'm all he's got! Since the accident he hasn't been the same! He’s heart-broken, Haydence!" She yelled. Hot tears stung the corners of her eyes. She yanked her hand from his.
"Wake up, Nat! It’s been twelve years! Clearly he's using you as an excuse not to do anything!" his tone increased unexpectedly. He tried to calm himself. The idea of making Natalie cry made him furious. He knew that he was going to hate himself for this later but he couldn’t let Natalie go. It was impossible.
"Besides,” she said, her voice calmer now, "Dad wouldn't let me stay here when he's going half-way across the world. You know that."
"Maybe he would..." Haydence said, taking her hand. "I'm quite certain ,actually..."
Her brows drew together in confusion. "What are you talking about, Hayde?"
He looked deeply into her eyes and said, "I love you. Natalie Kisa Bradley," he got down on his knees, "will you marry me?"
She felt her face flush. It suddenly became very hard to breathe. Her knees gave out and she collapsed into his arms.
"Breathe, Natalie!" Haydence demanded.
Tears streaked her pale cheeks.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i saw that most of the mistakes were already covered, its was a beautiful story and it is very romantic
well this was alright, but I think its kind of a weak begining perhaps you can ignore most of the begining part of this, and focus more on his proposal and her not breathing. To make it more dramatic.
I saw some problems that I think need to be addressed.
1. Put spaces between the periods.Don't have your sentences looking bunched together like this one does.
2. When someone talks put a space between the paragraph and the dialogue
For Example this should be:
"I'm sorry I've been acting so horrible to you." he said as he turned around and walked over to her.
He placed his large hand in hers.
"It's just that I'm going to miss you, Natalie. Miss you Dearly. Life without you hear is going to be a train-wreck for me. Why can't you just...just stay?" He whispered the last word.
I also think that a little more descriptions will do. Maybe give us a little more detail about the proposal and set the scene. All in all, I think you have a good plot, just give us a little bit more, let us feel the characters, and this will be fantastic!
Keep writing,
Angel
There were quite a few mistakes in this, but I think you should find them on your own.
I should always be capitalized when it's by itself.
There should be a space after a perioud. Like this.Not like this. See the difference.
Dialogue Punctuation:
Something that really, really bugged me, was the fact that you seemed to forget all the basic things.
"When you have dialogue, the punctuation is the most important thing," I said.
"See, the comma was there because after it had the almighty 'he said', 'she said' thing." I hope you're beginning to get it now.
"I that case, there was a period, because I did something, and there was no 'he said', 'she said.'"
So what do you do when there are multiple characters?
"I can't live without you, Victor," Jenny said, looking deep in to his eyes. Victor felt her sorrow as if it were his own, but he knew he had to leave.
"I'm sorry. I must go, you know that." Victor took a step toward Jenny, the urge to wrap his arms around her as old was almost suffocating.
"Never forget me," Jenny said.
"I wont," Victor promised.
_________________________________________
There, just work on punctuation, and structural things and you'll get the hang of it. It's really quite easy once you know the rules.
My suggestion: Teachers don't really go over this kind of thing in detail, so read. Read like a hellfire, okay? Watch what the authors are doing with their dialogue, and how they're structuring things. Watch the punctuation, and just about everything. When do they start new paragraphs? What are their descriptions like, and when do they use different forms of words?
If you ever need help with something like that, feel free to either PM me, or if it's urgant, simply flip through the pages of a good book.
Good luck!
-JC
Just a couple nitpicks, seeing as I'm short on time:
This sentence, first, feels a bit long. Split it up. Also, need a space after she's spoken and a punctuation mark of some kind after Haydence.
This feels awkward. Be better with on instead of out.
Dearly doesn't need to be capitalized. Here instead of hear. Need spaces.
Should do something like this instead: "I love you, Natalie Kisa Bradley." He got down on his knees. "Will you marry me?"
Okay, now overall, this is a good beginning. I'm interested to see where this is going, whether she'll say yes and stay or no and go. But it bothered me on how many punctuation mistakes there were. You are missing many spaces, commas, and periods. You also forgot to capitalize a few things.
Good luck with editing.