Sorry dad

Thanks so much everyone for actually taking the time to read and review it. I really appreciate it.

praisejoe wrote:I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be,

all that you expected out of me.

i know i disappoint in everything i do,

and even though you hate me,

i'll always love you.

nice piece from you, short and precise but with few errors

I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be,

all that you expected out of me.

i know i disappoint in everything i do,

and even though you hate me,

i'll always love you.

nice piece from you, short and precise but with few errors

I'll be the partial echo and say that when I first read it, I read the second line as "all that you expected of me". And it flowed really well. Then I read your reviews and saw the 'out' and it took away from it. You've got a nice rhythm here, and a nifty rhyme scheme, but it almost looks like the 'out' was there purely for syllable count. Regardless of whether or not that's what you intended, that's the way it appears to me, which is just one set of eyes. Not so much, but enough to throw it off.

Need to be careful, though. Dealing with a cliche topic here -- that is, kids seeing the parent as against them (parent against kid). Your last line saves you from being that same cliche, though, so kudos on that. Still... be careful. Treading touchy ground here.

This is a nice, simple, short poem. It flowed pretty well but there is one thing that bugged me a little.

I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be,

all that you expected out of me. <-- Here I would take out the "out" just to make it flow better.

i know i disappoint in everything i do,

and even though you hate me,

i'll always love you.

I really like this. Well Done!!

writetolive wrote:I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be,
all that you expected out of me.
i know i disappoint in everything i do,
and even though you hate me,
i'll always love you.

wow, i think this is the definition of short and sweet!
i like a short poem, and i like the concept of this especially.
poetry has no rules, so who says it has to be long?!

it was very thought-provoking and interesting, the only criticism i have is that "out of me" in the 2nd line doesnt make sense, but that's all.

i hate saying well done because it sounds patronizing so i'll just say.. i like it!


H
x

now I like this poem as I have had troubles with my dad in the past and he pile son an awful lot of pressure on me to do well and be succesful like him and this hits me deep. Althoguth it is short the meaning is put across instantly and it doesn't need to be a long poem to be effective. Infact I think that if you made this poem a really long one then it would lose some meaning as the point would be dragged out and lost at somepoint along the way. I think the fact that it is short helps pin point the meaning and gets the emotion acorss well.

Well Done

writetolive wrote:
(Hey there write to live! As Jigity said, there isn't much to work with here. I believe that this could be an incredible start for a nice big poem if you chose to elaborate more on what the father expects from his child. To speak with this, there are a few things we can change;)

I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be,

(I find it an issue when one begins a poem with a capital and doesn't capitalize later on into the poem. I think you should capitalize "I" throughout this poem.)

all that you expected out of me.

(Hold up; how could one even become what comes out of themselves? We have to think logically here, deary, and verse this properly if we want it to work; )

i know i disappoint in everything i do,

(This would be a great point to elaborate on, dear, so if you chose to expand this poem, this would be a great place to touch on)

and even though you hate me,

(Hmm... This would change your poem a lot-- but if you threw a word in there to leave some room for the chance that the father may still love his child, then this would be perfect.)

i'll always love you.

(Great closing line; it's simple, to the point, and flows with the rest of the poem. Great job!)

i think this is lovely.
it seems like one of those quick thought poems, just splurges of inspiration.
so there's not much to critique.
it makes me sad, but i love it.

Awww.... that was sweet. A bit short too, but it was concisely succinct.

and even though you hate me,

i'll always love you.

I like this piece, a lot. It's very deep. I always enjoy a short poem.

Although, it could be better, maybe a better choice of words is in order?

Other than that, well done.

~PG

Aww. So short. It's good, but it's just the opening verse of something. Write it more! Expand on your points. How did you disappoint your dad?

writetolive wrote:I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be,
all that you expected out of me.
i know i disappoint in everything i do,
and even though you hate me,
i'll always love you.

writetolive wrote:I'm sorry dad that i couldn't be, (a comma before and after "dad" would work better for the rhythm)
all that you expected out of me. ("out of me" doesn't make most sense here)
i know i disappoint in everything i do, (the words "disappoint" and "everything" are too big together. How about "all I do"?)
and even though you hate me, (the same goes for here. I'd reccomend "although" instead of "even though")
i'll always love you.(clichéd but touching nonetheless)

Well there isn't much to work with here, now is there? I suggest you inject some grammar and proper punctuation though; the absence of it does nothing for this piece.

i'm sorry dad that i couldn't be

and even though you hate me,

i'll always love you.