Published December 10, 2008
Life was a game that he was in,
Whatever he did,
He simply couldn’t win.
Marked by the pains and tragedies of his life,
He felt so alone,
So he befriended a knife.
Confused by the corruption of humanity,
He was the only one that would play chess with me.
Made the wrong errors,
Was his fatal mistake,
If only someone had been there to care,
His life wouldn’t have been at stake.
He was only sixteen,
Just a kid,
A lonely boy wallowing into the depths of his soul,
Before the police arrived at the scene.
And so on the bedroom floor he died,
Death took his hand,
And he gave up the fight,
Of this tragic game called life.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I like this poem, this is a really neat idea. But I have some issues. First: the rhyme scheme. try and develop for pattern or have none at all. The rhyme scheme makes the poem look a lot like this :fjajfhjkahfkjhjfkjasf: "End quote" just focus and develop that an it will help the poem flow. And I will say something good the lats stanza was AMAZING. I really liked that, but it might help if you reword it as "He took Death's hand" that should help hat sound better. Your right this poem is random. "he was the only one who would play chess with me" .......... Sorry I just found that really random. But lastly, watch the meter. say it over and over in your head to make sure it flows. But I really like this poem, so good job and happy writing.
Well, there isn't much to critique around here. I really enjoyed the poem. The candid way that you refer to death, creates a strong progression, and somehow magically draws the reader in. You have also successfully made us feel sorry for the boy in a mere four stanzas, you truly have a gift.
There a couple of tips that I think could improve this:
Perhaps it would be better if you said "In this tragic game called Life." Yes, I would also suggest capitalizing "life".
Also:
Aren't errors mistakes? I would suggest editing this.
Yet, once again, despite these trivial mistakes, I must compliment you on the brilliance of this poem.
Coincidentally, I have a novel that I am half way through, whose working title is remarkably also "Game of Life." Now that I've read this, I guess this will have to change.
Have a good one!
Ooh. This was interesting! The first few lines were a little hard to understand but once I realized it was about suicide I became *interested* in it (if that makes sense). The ending really summed up the whole poem. I'm a big fan of metaphors so the whole "game of life" thing was a thumbs up on my part! I hope to see you around in YWS. Just so you know, theres supposed to be a 2:1 ratio between posts and reviews. Aka you need to write some reviews of other people before you post anything else
Keep writing!
Wow. Okay, that was really good. It shows your emotions clearly. But I think that the flow was a little choppy in the first and second paragraphs. Other than that, though....
Really good!
To me, this hit home, because one of my friends did this to herself a couple of years back.
So anyways, I like your writing style, so keep writing!