The Most Fabulous Sunglasses Model in the World

Thank you for giving my piece a review. That was also very kind of you to give me that compliment. Thank you very much! Ahh, I enjoy being me!

First, I agree with Stella - I'm totally floor by your grammar skills. If I wrote like you when I was eleven it probably wouldn't have taken me sixteen years to write a real novel. :D

writerscottie wrote:the most fabulous sunglasses model in the world

A Raspberry Lemon Drop Fruitcake Twist never tasted so good. I never even knew I had it in me to run from Fruity Flavah Smoothies. That was twenty seven seconds away, and boy, had I outdone myself this time! (For some reason, these sentences don't make sense to me. I don't understand what he's saying or what he just did. Can you clarify?) I would have the whole entire bus to myself! Then I could be alone with my plastic farm animals-my only pride and hobby.
I wasn’t the thinnest kid around. You could even call me fat. Many have. So when I persperate I PER-SPER-ATE! (I think you spelled that wrong - "perspirate") I loved having the bus to myself. I wasn’t the most social kid either. The bus driver never heard what I was saying to my little lamb, cow, or prize-winning plastic pig. She had begged the county to let her operate her vehicle from a see through, sound proof cube, so she could lock herself up in there and not have to smell me or listen to those old ladies chat about bingo night at the library. So it was better for both for us.
So I decided to take out Bart the playboy rooster and Sheniqua the ooh la la pussy and turn them into a couple, tormented by the other animals who teased them. But they defied them and got married. A lovely plastic wedding. And it was going perfectly. At first. All of a sudden the bus came to a screeching halt and the doors opened. I wasn’t worried that anyone would come in within one sniff of me, but I still collected the farm just in case. Then I realized that Mel, the goose preacher, was missing. What could I do? How would the couple wed? I couldn’t ordain the farm animals in less than a day! I looked everywhere for Mel. I gave up finally. I hadn’t looked very long, but how far could he have gone? (I love this paragraph)
And then the doors opened and in stepped this girl. This girl with blonde hair that was sweet (how do you have sweet hair? lol) and shorter than most girls’ hair. It framed her face so that you could only slightly see those rosy cheeks of hers. She had some light freckles sprinkled across her nose, and I thought she looked like an angel. And she had sunglasses. Huge sunglasses. With rhinestones on the sides. And she looked like a model out of one of those ads you see in gossip magazines. Not that I read them. (Teehee.)
She came in, nodded at the bus driver, dropped her change in the container, and sat down across from me. Then she smiled a smile so white I was blinded for a minute. But then reality whizzed right at me and hit me in the head and I got right back to picking up my plastic farm animals.
She gave me a good long stare then took off her sunglasses. Her eyes said it all. She was asking about my farm animals. ("Farm animals" seems redundant here, just because you said it in the last paragraph too. "She was asking about my little hobby" - something a little more unique. We know that he has farm animals; repeating it over and over gets a little old.)
I tried to open my mouth, but I had no explanation, and then pretended I didn’t see her look. She looked like she understood.
“You know, I’ve been on TV before.”
That was the thing I least expected her to say.
I just looked at my sweaty palms, growing wetter by the nano-second.
“Oh,” I said softly to the girl.
“It was the Education Channel. I lived right across the street from their building,” she told no one in particular. “It was the best thing about our house.”
“Oh,” I repeated.
“See, my auntie was friendly with Mr. Carter, and he’s the station manager. So he got me a spot on the ‘Learn and Grow Show’. And I was just one of the crowd-I didn’t talk or anything. Just stood there and smiled and waved and sang opera. I sing opera, ya know?” she said fast. I just nodded.
“Oh.”
“So, Mr. Carter comes up to me and tells me, ‘Sandi, honey, you’re great. You’re fabulous. You’re absolutely super. Just do one thing for me-shut up!’ And guess what? I did! But not to my Auntie of course. She would take care of things with Carter. Oh, by the way, my name’s Sandi,” she told me again quickly.
“Oh.”
“Is that all you say?” she asked suddenly.
And I said, “No.” (This made me laugh, for some reason, lol.)
She opened her mouth to say something, then sat back down. I could tell I made her think. I like making people think.
Finally this Sandi girl said, “Who are you, anyway?”
“Aumi.”
“Is that it?”
“It’s short for Amadeus.
“Like Mozart?”
“Yeah,” I said. This girl was beginning to intrigue me.
“Can you play Mozart?” she asked, not just making small talk, but out of curiosity.
“Nope. I have no musical skills whatsoever.” That was the longest thing I had said to her.
She didn’t speak, but she looked at me out of the corner of her eye. Now it was my turn to talk.
“Are you from around here?” I asked awkwardly.
“Oh no,” she laughed, “I’m from Australia, originally. I don’t sound Australian, I know. My dad was 35% Indian and 70% Dutch when my mom was 40% Australian and 50% American and 10 % something else. I think it was French or Danish or something. Then my parents gave me to my aunt so they could travel the world together and here I am. I‘ve lived here for about three months now. I‘m twelve.”
“Oh.” I was sorry I asked.
Then she noticed what I clutched in my left hand. Her eyes widened.
“I love smoothies! Don’t tell me, it’s Fruity Flavah!” she almost screamed.
I nodded yes.
She got up and danced all around, but the bus was moving and she fell to knees and slid across the sticky bus ground. She got up and laughed.
“Did you wanna go get a smoothie Aumi?” she asked me.
“Well, I already have one, but um, okay.”
“Great! Let’s go! I need a Groovy Smoothie right now. It’s a vegetarian place. Did I mention I’m a vegetarian?”
And that was the beginning of my friendship with the most fabulous sunglasses model in the world.



CHAPTER 2

I had never met a person quite like her before.

THE REST IS COMING SOON!!!!

Hey there, scottie, and welcome to YWS!!! I'm Stella, and I'll be critiquing you today...

Just a note: you need to write two reviews for every piece of your own writing you stick up here. YWS etiquette.

Okay, so I'm going to give you a full critique. First of all, can I just compliment you on your skills? People years older than you can't grasp the grammar, spelling etc. that you displayed here. Nice job!

Right so. Nitpicks first.

I. NITPICKS

(Nitpicks are what we like to call us obsessing over little details.)

A Raspberry Lemon Drop Fruitcake Twist never tasted so good.

So when I persperate I PER-SPER-ATE!

She came in, nodded at the bus driver, dropped her change in the container, and sat down across from me

“It’s short for Amadeus.

“Oh no,” she laughed, “I’m from Australia, originally. I don’t sound Australian, I know. My dad was 35% Indian and 70% Dutch when my mom was 40% Australian and 50% American and 10 % something else. I think it was French or Danish or something. Then my parents gave me to my aunt so they could travel the world together and here I am. I‘ve lived here for about three months now. I‘m twelve.”

Well, I do write about kids because I can relate to them because, well, I am one.

This was preeetty good... I'm not sure if Aumi is a boy or girl, so that needs to be cleared up.
Your descriptions were pretty good, I liked the clear image you gave us of Sandi.
The plastic animals are kind of interesting, I definitely wouldn't have thought that up...
I guess the only thing I didn't like was how they're only kids, when I was thinking they were a little older. Good job!

A friendly reminder: here at YWS, we ask that you leave 2 reviews of other people's work on the site before you post 1 of your own. So hop to it!

This was interesting. Your MC was a pretty neat, what with the plastic animals and all. I loved the names for them and the characterizations they had. It shows that Aumi really puts a lot of thought into things like that. I was a little confused: is Aumi a guy or a girl? I thought "girl" initially, but otherwise, I wasn't quite sure. The name made me think boy. You should probably clarify that.

Really, very interesting. I honestly laughed aloud at the comment about how the farm animals couldn't be ordained in a day. It was just so sweet and thoughtful. Really nice characterization in Aumi.

I found Sandi a little annoying, what with how she talks a mile a minute. But that may just be my personality. She seemed really nice and you characterized her very well too.

I wouldn't have that Chapter 2 heading at the end of the page with only one line after it. I'd just end it with Chapter 1 and let that be. The reader will understand that there will be a chapter 2.

Very nice. I enjoyed this.

*thumbs up*

Okay, I am meaning absolutely no offence
whatsoever when I tell you that this is not
something I would like to read unless I had
to.
I mean don't get me wrong you had something
of a good plot, but the whole them being just
children bit throws me off of it.
In my opinion your details are pretty clever and
I like the way you made the model's hair "shorter
than most girl's hair" but I just need... more.
Ya know?
I hope I helped somewhat