.
“How much is that thing?” I asked pointing my finger towards a small circular wooden box at the end of the shelf.
“It’s not for sale, pick something else kid!” The shop owner grunted as he placed one of his chubby hands on the cash register.
I looked around the old antique store, but nothing else seemed to interest me. The old racks were filled with small ship replicas in bottles and old alarm clocks. Old worn-out cupboards and chairs filled up almost half the store.
I took in a deep breath; the dusty smell of old wood made my nose itch. It was really warm inside the small store. I was the only customer and the shop owner seemed to be losing his patience with me. He was eyeing me like I was some kind of a thief.
I was losing my patience too! I’m here to buy something special to my grandmother and I’ve been searching for hours, but nothing interested me. My grandmother’s special and she should receive something special on her 80th birthday.
The small wooden box caught my eye again. “You really like that small jewelry box don’t you kid?” The man’s ruff voice made me jump. I nodded quickly, brushing away a few drops of sweat running down my face.
“Well,” He said as he took it onto his pink hands. “This is one of my favorites.”
A small smile spread across his chubby face as he examined it.
I placed my hands on the counter and looked at him hopefully, “I’m searching something for my grandma. I want to surprise her on her birthday. This is her favorite store.”
“Is that so?” The man asked in a low voice. “Well, this old antique store never has many customers…and I’m hoping to close it down soon.”
“Too bad,” I muttered, even though I really didn’t care about it.
“People prefer new things, and they just forget about the past.” He nodded as he gazed at the small cell phone in my hand. “Well, since your grandmother still likes my things, I think I’ll sell this to you.” He handed it to me so I can have a proper look. The shiny wooden thing felt cold against my warm hands. It had amazingly carved markings on it. They looked like pretty flower patterns. I slowly opened the latch. It opened with a ‘click’ it was empty inside, but it looked dainty. It gave out an old dusty smell, just like the store.
“This is great! It’s simple and beautiful!” I almost shouted. I really wanted to get out of this old, dusty store. And this fat old man made me feel awkward for some reason. The man smiled but he didn’t say anything. His black eyes shined and he looked relieved.
“How much is it?” I asked pulling out my wallet. A small tingle ran up my spin, maybe it could cost a fortune.
The man looked thoughtful for a while, then he took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, I think it’s free.”
“What?” I gasped. This man must be joking, or he thinks I can’t afford it.
“I’m afraid you’re my last customer.” He said with a smile, but I saw that something’s wrong with him. His face looked whitish and his eyes looked pale and droopy.
“Are you okay Mr. Todd?” I asked as I placed the small box on the counter.
“Just take it and leave!” He said quickly, “I need some time alone! Thank you for coming to my store.”
“I can’t just take this from you,” I said as I searched for some bills inside my wallet.
The chubby old man took the small box and shoved it into my hands, “Take it! It’s pretty late, you better get home. Maybe you can pay me later.”
He was right; my wristwatch read 6:30 pm. I was pretty late.
I nodded and thanked him again. Maybe Mr. Todd and his old store aren't bad after all.
I ran home as fast I can. It was getting dark and the sky looked cloudy. The strong wind hinted that a storm was coming nearby. I glanced once more at Mr. Todd’s store, doubting the fact that I’ll ever go there again. Living in the isolated part of the town can be scary sometimes. Especially when you have to go through the woods when it’s dark; The tall trees and the low hum coming from nowhere made my body tingle as I pass them. Somehow, I reached home safely.
I hid grandma’s gift inside my small backpack, I’ll give it to her Tomorrow, I can’t wait to see how she’d react! I opened the door as slowly as possible. And to my surprise, she wasn’t sitting on the sofa as usual. She wasn’t there to greet me.
“Grandma?” I said as I turned on the ceiling lights.
There was no answer. “Grandma?” My tone grew louder and urgent when I was answered by silence.
I dropped my backpack and ran into the kitchen. She wasn’t there either, I searched all the rooms. She wasn’t there. She’d disappeared! A sudden gush or worry invaded my mind. What happened to her? Where’d she go? I and sat on the couch rubbing my forehead.
“Jack?” Grandma’s voice came from the front door. I ran and opened it. She was standing near the doorway with a pleasant smile across her wrinkled face. “I had to buy some supplies. When did you get home?”
I was out of words; I was scared for nothing. Why did I get so worried anyway?
“You look scared my boy!” Grandma said scanning my face. I took the groceries from her and smiled, “No grandma, I’m just tired.”
She stared at my blue eyes and wiped the thick brown hair from them. “Your hair is rattled and messy, just like your father’s when he was young.”
I didn’t know what to say. I can’t even remember my parents. They died long ago when I was just a toddler. I never questioned about them. The only person who matters is my grandma. And with her I’m happy.
I placed the heavy b groceries in the kitchen and settled myself on a small chair near the dining table.
“I’m getting old,” Grandma muttered as she opened the refrigerator. “And it’s really hard to live in this modern world when you’re getting old.”
I sighed and started texting a friend. “Grandma, technology is good. I’m happy that we’re getting more advanced. Besides, you always have me! No matter how advanced things get, I’ll always be your little grandson.”
I put down my phone and helped her to make dinner. She smiled at me; it was one of those hearty smiles that’ll never forget. Her gray eyes twinkled and her small round face relaxed a little, reducing her wrinkles when she smiled like that.
“I’m lucky to have a grandson like you.” She said in a sweet old voice and carried on cooking. Despite being 16, I still loved it when she tells things like that. It always made my day.
That night, I finished my school project early and wrapped grandma’s gift in a neat little wrapping paper I bought yesterday. She’s going to be really happy when she sees it! I wished her goodnight and got into bed. I glanced once more at the gift before turning off the lights.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi writerkitty your best friend is here to give you a great review on your new novel. I was quite shocked too see that you had stoped writing your other grate story until I found this one. So now I'm going to give it a review. I hope what I say will be of any help to you? Any way I am going to start.
I lived every thing the characters the feelings oh and this part of the chapter is my fevered
( I hid grandma’s gift inside my small backpack, I’ll give it to her Tomorrow, I can’t wait to see how she’d react! I opened the door as slowly as possible. And to my surprise, she wasn’t sitting on the sofa as usual. She wasn’t there to greet me.
“Grandma?” I said as I turned on the ceiling lights.
There was no answer. “Grandma?” My tone grew louder and urgent when I was answered by silence.
I dropped my backpack and ran into the kitchen. She wasn’t there either, I searched all the rooms. She wasn’t there. She’d disappeared! A sudden gush or worry invaded my mind. What happened to her? Where’d she go? I and sat on the couch rubbing my forehead.)
You pout a lot of stressed feelings into this part and worry that was very good well done my friend!
Except you can ad a little bit more description like this part of your chapter.
(“How much is that thing?” I asked pointing my finger towards a small circular wooden box at the end of the shelf.
“It’s not for sale, pick something else kid!” The shop owner grunted as he placed one of his chubby hands on the cash register.
I looked around the old antique store, but nothing else seemed to interest me. The old racks were filled with small ship replicas in bottles and old alarm clocks. Old worn-out cupboards and chairs filled up almost half the store.
I took in a deep breath; the dusty smell of old wood made my nose itch. It was really warm inside the small store. I was the only customer and the shop owner seemed to be losing his patience with me. He was eyeing me like I was some kind of a thief.
I was losing my patience too! I’m here to buy something special to my grandmother and I’ve been searching for hours, but nothing interested me. My grandmother’s special and she should receive something special on her 80th birthday.
The small wooden box caught my eye again. “You really like that small jewelry box don’t you kid?” The man’s ruff voice made me jump. I nodded quickly, brushing away a few drops of sweat running down my face.)
Like I was wondering what the old man in the shop looked like, and the little boy. so all I am saying is that you need to do a little bit more description. Oh and you (jewelry) like this (jewellery.)
But over all I love the chapter. I like the name the most it soots the story. All of your grammar and spelling is good well done. I hope you will keep on writing great work and I do hope you will let me no when you have posted your next chapter in this grate book. So any way I hope you have a great day are night. I hope we will be abele too talk soon bey.
From your best friend jessiebear.
Thank you so much for this really amazing review jessiebear!!
I'm really glad that you're back! Talk to you soon!!
I am glad you liked it and I hope we can talk soon to buy.
Hello there, Kitty! Fandomsnmusic here to review the first chapter of this story.
Most of yours errors are small, and a lot of them are already covered by the other reviews, and I'm not sure if the things I noticed have already been said, but there's a few things I think are worth mentioning still.
Like I said, there's just little things like misspelled or misplaced words and such, although there are a few other things. I'm not sure if anybody else noticed, but you often switch from past tense to present tense. This makes it difficult to read the chapter easily, but I think if you really, really thought about keeping it all in one tense you'd be able to keep it straight.
AnnGrace managed to hunt down all those small spelling errors (Great job, @AnnGrace!), Lorelie was able to identify that grammar errors (Great job to you too, Lorelie!), and Ellstar somehow picked up and wrote down my thoughts about the shop (You know what's up, @Ellstar!) so I don't feel the need to really put anything else down. It's already there!
The last thing I want to say is that for a first chapter, it's good. I liked how in the shop Mr. Todd makes it seem like something really interesting is coming up in these next few chapters. I think that either Chapter 2 or 3 should include an explanation to why Mr. Todd and the main character's grandma are acting how they are. They act like something's about to happen and they know something about it.
I'm holding my breath, waiting for the next chapter and I expect great things! Keep it up, Kitty.
Never stop writing!
fandomsnmusic
Thank you so much for this review!!!
I'll post the next chapter soon!!!
Yay for the next chapter!
Hey, writerkitty! Team Batman here for the rescue
I must say I'm delighted and sad I chose your work to review. Delighted, because it's a small, light and easy to read a text. Sad, because, as I counted all the mistakes (I hope I'm not repeating any mentioned before) I found all types of them, and it took me a hard time breaking them down for you. So here you go.
In terms of grammar and spelling, I've identified five main types of error. Those are:
A) Coherence (a word doesn't agree with what's around it)
B) Wrong Punctuation (nothing to add)
C) Minor style adjustments (a word is missing or could be adapted)
D) The case of 's as an abbreviation for is
E) Typing mistakes (mostly a word that got caught in the middle of deletion)
But first, let's take a look at this one.
I think there's no problem if you put your line of dialogue between inverted commas/quotation marks. The most evident problem I see in your text is how you switch between present and past tense voices as you switch between thoughts and spoken words. But even put that way, it's not that clear. I'll explain why.
A) Coherence
There's a difference between talking (dialogue, present tense) and describing an action (narration, past tense). On (1) you're doing the latter, so please refrain from present tenses unless you want to produce a certain effect. The same applies to (2), even though it's a thought (from your character), and especially because it's said as an inner thought from your character (you're actually describing that your character thought: so narration, hence past tense. On (3) you should use with instead of by, as "silence" is not someone who can answer your callings, but something that you can sense.
B) Wrong Punctuation
On (4) you should decide whether to put a semicolon or a full stop/period, as you have to separate closes, each with its own verb. I trust in (5) you didn't mean Grandma said "Scanning my face", so I suggest adding a comma before "scanning".
C) Minor style adjustments
The case of 6 is a suggestion for omitting he as to give more flow to that sentence. About (7) I think you should consider writing more urgently instead of urgent, as you're comparing things... This is one of the trickier, I know
D) The case of 's as an abbreviation for is
9. The strong wind hinted that a storms coming nearby.
(9) is actually a double mistake, as you meant storms, but in both (8) and (9) you're wrong. Simply put, "was" cannot be abbreviated, and "-'s" is just the abbeviation for "is" and "had". I hope I made this clear...
E) Typing mistakes
I've decided to put (10) but it's just a matter of word choice: the correct expression would be gush of worry. The rest is all words that got "chopped down" in the process of writing on a keyboard: I had sat in (11); the heavy basket in (12) and I'll never forget in (13).
Now that we're done with grammar, let me add a short note on what needs to be done here for improvement.
#1 Work on revising your text
Though this is a bit overheard. Before you deliver your first draft to review, please make sure it's as clear and polished as you can make it. To improve your spelling-check competence, all you can do is find good writers and authors who know how to write, and study them. Take notes. Seriously! You can't always expect others to all the work, can you?
#2 Improve your writing style
One thing I notice is that you blend your character's thoughts with their spoken words very intensely. That can be confusing... unless you find a way to set aside [interior monologue] from [free direct speech]. If that is a path you want to follow, check out @Ellstar and the awesome way they've found to represent dialogue in Divine Intervention: Chapter One
#3 Don't tell us all about your character's feelings
It might get trickier: how to explain a character's behaviour without telling what's going on through their mind, but that's the real beauty of it. Please check out: Show and Tell . Still on that topic, I would like to quote:
Why don't let Grandma say he "looks" scared only? He will lie afterwards, but we can tell it even if you can the whole I was scared for nothing.
My favourite bit:
[/quote]
I don't know if it was intended, but I sense some irony here. The character does exactly what his grandma was complaining about, yet he tells her the most sweet thing after, regardless of how he just offended her. Maybe that's what @Ellstar meant about people appreciating new things much more than they do old things, I don't know
Overall, lots of room to improve. You already have some experience with writing, and I'm glad all these errors I pointed out, in the end, don't put a toll in the development of your story. Maybe this is really your next-novel... or five-part short-story. Who knows?
Cheers!
Spoiler
~ Lorelie
Thank you for this amazing review!!!
Some things in the grammar department:
-"“Who much is that thing?” Who? I think you meant 'How'.
-"clocks, Old worn-out cupboards and chairs filled up almost half the store." You may have accidentally capitalized old.
-"He was right; my wristwatch read 6:30 pm." I don't know, that semicolon isn't doing it for me. Maybe replace it with a period or at least a comma. We don't want to lose our semicolon privileges, and I should know, because I use them all the time and it sucks the life out of me.
-" Especially when you have to go through the woods when it’s dark; The tall trees and the low hum coming from nowhere made my body tingle as I pass them." The is acidentally capitalized.
-"I’ll give it to her Tomorrow," Tomorrow is also accidentally capitalized.
-"I placed the heavy b groceries in the kitchen and settled myself on a small chair near the dining table." Why is there a b between heavy and groceries?
Actual Nitty-Gritty Review:
Overall, I'm intrigued on where this story is going to go. You seem to be playing a lot with the old and new themes, which is always fun to play with. You're right about the commentary Mr. Todd has said--people appreciate new things much more than they do old things. Perhaps you should consider why, it would definitely make your story more interesting. Are new things better than old things? Or are they just more innovative? Do you think people are forgetting old things a little too quickly?
I'm interested in why Mr. Todd is having the boy as his last customer. My guess is that he's dying, or he's actually a wizard that's going to make his shop go poof. But thats for the next chapter to decide.
Good job, and happy review day!
Signing out,
--EM.
Thank you very much for this review!!
It was good, but some grammar errors. First,
“Who much is that thing?”
It should be,
“How much is that thing?”
Second,
"as he placed on of his chubby hands on the cash register."
It should be,
"as he placed one of his chubby hands on the cash register."
Third,
"The old racks were filled with small ship replicas in bottles and old alarm clocks, Old worn-out cupboards and chairs filled up almost half the store."
It's just a poorly framed sentence. I'm not picking on you, but this might be better.
"The old racks were filled with small ship replicas in bottles and old alarm clocks. Old worn-out cupboards and chairs filled up almost half the store."
Lastly,
"I’m here to buy something special to my grandmother and I’ve been searching for hours, but nothing interested me."
You went from present to past tense. Instead of "I'm", you might want to put, "I was". And "I've" should have been, "I had been".
Besides that, it was really good. I want to find out what happens so keep up the good work!
Radiant how could you....
Seriously, keep this story going please!
You took all my edits I had noted and addressed them :p Oh well, good job...
The whole story was very interesting, and if you added a another paragraph or so it would make a fabulous short story. But this is just the first chapter? Yes! You have to continue the story! Now, on to reviewing.
To begin with, I really like your MC. He is sweet, thoughtful, polite, and he quite obviously loves his grandmother. When you started the story, I though he was more like twelve or thirteen. But then later in the story you mention that he is sixteen, which actually makes more sense. His terror as he came home was confusing; I totally get the reason for it, but what was causing it... And what was up with the store-owner? It was freaking me out just a bit. Is something wrong? Why was he so worried that something happened to his Grandmum? Speaking of his grandmum, I really like her. I fell in love with her almost immediately, and she simply must be in the future chapters!
Your story flows naturally, it doesn't feel like you had to force it along, and nothing seems too rushed. The beginning drew me in quite well and it made me want to finish reading the chapter.
I didn't see any other errors-besides the on Rad pointed out- except for when he stated his age, aren't you supposed to spell out numbers (Ex:five, ten, sixteen etc.) unless they are really huge, like seven thousand, four hundred, eighty-five million? Maybe I'm wrong... Anyway, that's the only other nit-pick I found
Great job my feline friend,
Keep on Writing!
Spoiler
Thank you so much for this review AutoPilot!
I think I'll post the next chapter soon! I'm really glad you liked it. I was doubting whether I should post this or not, but now I'm pretty sure that I'm going to continue writing it and posting it here!!! 
It's very helpful and really, really sweet!
Thanks again for motivating meto keep writing!!!
Thank you for deciding to continue this
Hey
I'm here to leave you a review.
So lets start with the mini edits
How much not who much.
One not on of his fingers.
There should be a full stop not a comma between the 4th and 5th line.
There is an unnecessary b in " heavy b groceries"
I like your use of description of the surrounding areas and the feel of things, there was enough of it to make it seem real and give a good image to the readers mind.
I loved the way the sequence of the story plays out. Midway to the story it actually reached that creepy place where you know something bad will happen or a plot twist is on its way. Good job!
The fact that nothing actually bad happens and it was just some random paranoia, really put the reader in the shoes of the main character and thus it made it really realistic. I loved it!
Please continue this story!
~RS
Thank you so much RadientShadow! Your review was not only helpful but it also motivated me to write the next chapter. I was just going to stop with one chapter, but now I'm going to continue it!!
Thank you so much for the help!!!! ^_^ It really made my day!