The world is filled with mysteries, secrets, and myths. Sometimes you will never know that you are a part of it. The most astonishing fact about it is that it ultimately affects the most common and average people, including children. So, you may wonder whether I’m an old man babbling pointless stuff. Well, I’m not. I’m just a twelve-year-old kid.
I just wanted to give you an extraordinary start. Anyway, here’s how my normal wimpy life changed because of mysteries, secrets and well, you know etc.
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As usual, I was late for school. Who likes to wake up early and go to a boring place like that! I mean to sit on a chair for seven hours and do nothing but learn? That’s seriously stupid.
“Joe, you are late!” I heard my mom calling me from downstairs.
Just for the record, I never think that my mom and I ever have similarities. She’s neat, quick and of course never late. As for me? It's the total opposite. The world would explode if I wake up early.
I jumped out of bed and ran over the heaps of dirty clothes and CD cases. The posters of my favorite video games covered all the walls of my tiny room. I’m kind of glad they did because the walls were painted in pink. Long story short, my mom was expecting that I’d be a girl and the house was never painted after I was born.
The small shelf in the corner, which was supposed to be stacked with books, was stacked with crumpled papers, discarded pens, and other stuff like that.
That does explain why the dustbin was empty. The room was total ‘danger area’ and my mom would die if she saw it. Well, I’m going to clean it up later.
I tried to get ready in such a hurry that I almost swallowed my toothbrush and tripped twice in the bathroom. And to my luck, I didn't fall down and break something. Trust me; that happens a lot.
I wore a pale orange T-shirt and a shabby pair of black trousers along with blue sneakers. Who cares about matching clothes anyway?
I went down the stairs in such a hurry that I almost tripped over Sobo, our pet cat who was lying on the last step.
Sobo is an overweight rascal. I hate cats. But since Sobo was dad’s favorite and most probably only pet, my mom made me agree to keep it. Dad’s death really changed a lot of things. I can’t really remember much about him because I was a baby when he died.
My mom doesn’t have any pictures of him either. That’s pretty weird, I know. But she told me that dad’s a really secretive person and he hated being in pictures. My grandfather disappeared shortly after dad’s death. Nobody knew what happened to him.
All I know is that we lost two family members because of one wretched car crash.
Glancing once more at Sobo, I went to the dining table to have breakfast.
My mom was there reading a newspaper; her big brown eyes had a deep expression. Her beautiful brown hair was combed neatly to a side.
That’s when I realized that I forgot to brush my hair. I had brown hair just like my mother’s. But trust me, my hair is never tidy. I always use my hands to tidy it up.
I did the same thing right now. What can I say? I’m not the tidiest person.
I pulled out a chair and sat down resting my hands on the dark wooden table. "Good morning mom!"
She looked up at me and smiled. She then folded her newspaper and placed it on the edge of the table.
The fresh morning air filled the room. Bright sunlight enlightened the place and made the dining room look like heaven. Or was it just the colorful cereal and milk on the table made me see it that way?
"Good morning,” She grinned, “here’s your cereal.”
She handed over my cereal and greeting me with a pleasant smile. “You’re going to be late for school you know.”
“Yeah, I have to get up earlier,” I said as munched down a mouthful of crunchy, sweet cereal.
“That’s the same thing I have to say. The early bird gets the worm you know?”
“Yeah, Whatever mom,” I said licking milk off my spoon. I really didn’t get the meaning of idioms.
I was going to have another bowl, but my mom was already out of the kitchen. She’s so quick. She has thin and long legs like an athlete. So she can move around quickly.
The clock read 8.00 a.m. Mom was right; I was late! I ran after her hoping she’d offer me a ride.
“Need a lift?”She asked as she got into her small grey car, which hasn’t been repaired for years. My mum works as a bank accounted, so we’re not that rich or anything. But I think we used to have tons of cash when dad was alive. But it really bugged me because my mum never told me what his job was.
Mum was waiting for an answer “Okay, why not?” I said brushing off a few bits of cereal from my face.
I sat on the front seat and tried to buckle up my seat-belt, it was a huge task for me. Okay, so it’s annoying. But that belt’s jammed up, and it’s not my fault.
“Oh sweetie,” Mom said buckling it up for me.
“I could have done it by myself,” I said grumpily.
She just smiled. She knew I was lying. She knew I was still a big baby.
Mom started the engine and we zoomed off. The neighborhood was calm and quiet, especially because Sam wasn’t around. Sam’s the worst kid in my class. He’s a bully and smells like a bag of sweat. And I can still remember how he locked my inside the janitor’s closet when we were in 2nd grade.
In front of our house was this big forest like thing. We prefer to call it the ‘Myth’ because it’s not an important place and it’s like it never exists, just like a myth. But, I couldn’t get over the weird quivery feeling I get whenever I’m passing it; something about that forest made my body shudder.
I also noticed that my mum speeds up the car when we’re passing the Myth. Maybe she gets a weird feeling too.
Anyway, the Myth is awfully long and covers almost half of the town. Thick, tall trees stand as a curtain between the forest and the town; hiding whatever lies inside. The sky above the forest seems to be always covered with dark, gray clouds. As far as I know, no one actually goes there at all.
At the far end of it is my school ‘Fogtown Elementary’.
I really hate that place. School’s not a fun adventure for me, it’s more like a war where I basically try to stay alive.
I got out of the car as fast as I could when we reached school. I was extremely sure that my mom would do something pretty annoying.
But, I was too late. Before I could run for it, she held my hand tightly and said, “Have a good day sweetie. And don't forget to eat your lunch my little Brownie Wiggly.”
I felt as if my face was burning with embarrassment. My mom just told the most annoying pet name! I saw some of my classmates laugh at me. Surely, they must’ve heard what my mum said.
“Okay, mom,” I said quickly and broke free from her firm grip. I ran up the stairs without looking back, my face still burning as if it was on fire.
I heard the engine start as I reached the main doors. She must’ve left.
My mother is really nice. But, sometimes she could be a bit too nice, especially in public. I was already the main source of humiliation at school, so I didn’t want any more annoyance. I hope she realized that.
I went in with a deep sigh, the rusty smell of the old lockers and the sound of kids running to their classes greeted me. Yup, today’s going to be a very bad day.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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hihi
This is actually a really good edit, I must say, especially when I think back to the very first version of this. There's a massive improvement since then, and I'm sure you'll only get better and better with this! I know you've not changed much in regards to the opening of this, but I'm glad you've not because I like the beginning. It's full of character and really portrays Joe's voice well. The pace of this is a lot slower too, which is definitely a good thing, as it gives us readers time to really immerse ourselves into what's going on. A lot of this is because you're using descriptions more effectively now, and so it spreads everything out better and improves the pace heaps. Basically, you've done an awesome job at editing here!
You still do have some grammatical slip ups, but they've certainly improved since you first started writing this. A lot of the time, grammar is just something you get the hand of as you practice your writing, particularly if you're posting the writing here on YWS for people to critique. It's mainly just past/present tense slip ups, but there are far less of these slip ups than there were in the original version of this. Just keep practicing (and keep posting on YWS), and methinks this problem will eventually fix itself.
Something nit-picky I want to mention here is in regards to Joe wandering into the kitchen, and his mum not noticing him. I understand that she was engrossed in her reading and what not, but unless Joe was purposely being stealthy, it seems odd that she wouldn't hear/see him entering the kitchen, especially as he sits beside the kitchen table (I think). Even if she somehow didn't hear Joe enter and sit beside the table, I don't really see the point of her not noticing. Err, if that makes sense. It doesn't really add anything to the story, and wouldn't impact the rest of the chapter if she did notice him walking in. As such, I feel like she may as well just notice Joe? They can have the exact same conversation if she does. So yeah... I really feel like I'm making no sense here, so apologies if I'm not.
Finally, you do sometimes still fall into the trap of telling instead of showing. I mean, within this short chapter, we find out practically the entirety of Joe's past. I know there are secrets he doesn't know about it (the whole myth secret powers thing, duh), but he obviously doesn't know that. As such, to reveal that his dad died, how he died, that his granddad disappeared, that his family used to have a lot of money, that they're now poor e.t.c. is quite a lot of information to swallow, and can feel a little bit like we're being bombarded with it. This is a bit of a personal thing, but I do prefer character backstories to be revealed in parts a little more slowly. It generally is a little better to do that (in an unbiased sense) because doing it all in one go does create a sense of being told, not shown, which isn't the best way of doing things.
My little niggles aside, I can't stress enough how much of an improvement this chapter is on the very first version. Your writing on the whole has clearly improved, and it can only get better and better. The pace of your original story was a bit of an issue at times, and you've managed to nail that here, so if this continues then that problem has been totally fixed. With just a few more tweaks, this really could become something super great.
Keep writing,
xoxo S(k)ins
Thank you so much for the wonderful and super helpful review! ^-^ I'm really glad to hear that my writing is improving.

I fixed the problems in this chapter. The part where Joe's mother doesn't see him is kinda silly. ^_^ I fixed it and a few other mistakes.
^_^ I'll keep writing and posting my work on YWS,
Have a good day, awesome reviewer!!
(sorry for taking so long to reply...)
hello,
I really enjoyed this. the character is really easy to relate to no one wants to go to school.
I like how you added the fact that the mum called him by his pet name. Everyone can relate to the embarrassing feeling you get when they say it.
And that school is a war, I can really relate to that.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you!
Hello,
To start off I just want to say that I think you have written a character that is very easy to relate to, at least to me. Not wanting to get up early, and being embarrassed by parents are such common tropes because they happen to kids all the time.
I also really liked all the imagery you used. From describing what he was wearing, to the way that the Myth looked, I all thought that it was very good.
Thirdly, I thought this chapter was pretty funny. Joe seems to be a bit of a jokster and I hope that continues in later chapters. You can always lighten the mood a little, in my opinion.
Lastly, I felt a real sense of mystery coming from the Myth. It sounds like a place wear something bad will likely happen later in the story. Looking forward to reading more.
Thank you so much for the review!
I like the use of voice in this piece, I don't know why but it kind of reminds me of the voice of the narrator in the book "Stand By Me." I have a few friendly recommendations for you: I enjoyed the section where he was able to get his mother's attention by merely looking at her, however you might want to hold back on all the exposition, for example
“Joe, I didn’t notice you were here. But I did felt that someone was watching me,” She grinned
While I enjoyed this section, the dialogue from the mother seemed a little forced,
"She was so into reading and writing. I just kept on staring at her, hoping it would give her that awkward feeling you get when someone’s watching you." This section right here was all you needed, OR you could have just included the mother's dialogue and removed this section
Thank you for the review!!
Thank you for the review!!
Thank you for the review!!