Summer was supposed to be fun! I mean I literally danced in the class the day before summer and stayed one hour in detention for doing so. And I thought it’d be worth it. But it wasn’t!
After a week my whole schedule broke down and I was Bored! That’s a forbidden word for Cody Briggs; that’s me.
I never hoped to finish playing all my video games by beating the boss level, finish all my comic books, and go on a trip in one week! When I’d finished doing all of them what was left to do during the remaining weeks?
“Cody, why don’t you stop whining like that and go outside to get some fresh air?” Mum’s irritated voice boomed in my ears. My mother can be ferocious sometimes. And that makes me jump of the couch automatically.
Well, you see it’s not her fault to get mad at me. To be honest I whined the whole school term about getting up and going to school and having a busy life! Now I’m whining because the vacation is boring. That means I’m whining the whole year. Hey, I could make a record for that!
My mother is a pretty, nice woman with big round intelligent eyes and a small pointy nose. Her neat black hair was always bundled into a bun to match the round shape of her slightly tanned face. She wears her cloths so precise and neat that it makes dad and me look like dirty, crumpled gunny bags.
“Mum, I was going to go out, but can I watch TV instead?” I asked innocently. That innocent talk works sometimes.
I heard footsteps coming nearby, and they were definitely my mother’s tiny but quick footsteps.
I sat down on the sofa and waited her to appear, but the sound of the footsteps died down into the kitchen. Most probably, she was ignoring my question. Anyway I switched on the TV and discovered that the electricity was down, oh so that’s why she didn’t say anything. I call my mother a detective because she knows everything, trust me and I’m not wrong about that.
Well, I guess I could get some fresh air for a change.
I opened the door, went out and slammed the door behind me. The sun was bright and the sky was blue. The morning air was fresh and soothing. Kids were running here and there playing happily.
This was one perfect day to engage in an amazing outdoor activity, but All I wanted to do right now was to buy a new video game. But since my grades were low last term, my allowance was cut down; which results in a bankrupt in my piggy bank, and ultimately results in no new video games! How unfair is that?
Even the internet wasn’t working properly because dad forgot to pay the bills. Welcome to my world!
I dragged myself to the park, the heat was killing me, I should have brought along an umbrella.
“Hey Cody!” A familiar voice made me turn around. It was Mike Briggs, my cousin. He lives a few blocks away from my house so we meet each other regularly.
The two of us look a lot alike; we both have pale skin, long faces, pointy noses and dark brown eyes with heavy brows. And we both have this finger bending thing, we can bend our fingers to the opposite direction 180 degrees, that’s pretty cool huh?
The only thing that makes us look different is our hair; I have dark brown messy hair while Mick has fuzzy, blond hair that almost covers up his eyes,
Mike can be an annoying cousin. And he’s my only cousin so I’m pretty much stuck with him because he prefers to hang out with me saying that we’re the ‘Briggs’ New generation. And do I hate him? Well maybe a little.
“So Cody how’s life?” He asked as he took off his huge sunglasses. He looked comical wearing them. “Today’s pretty hot huh?”
I nodded. “Yes, it is really hot.”
Mike was wearing a white v-necked T-shirt with a picture of a black fiery skull in the middle. His black trousers and dark blue Nike shoes looked cool, but smudges of fresh mud on his clothes and shoes made him look messy.
I frowned at him, “Where’ve you been Mike, you’re covered in mud!”
“Technically I have only a few small smudges of mud on me and my cloths,” He said with a grin. “So you can’t say that I’m covered in mud.”
He always grins like that! He thinks it’s awesome; his eyes twinkles, nose twitches and his eyebrows raises a little when he does so.
“You didn’t answer my question.” I said rolling my eyes.
“I went to the old pond near Mrs. Miller’s house to catch some tadpoles.” He said plainly.
My eyes widened, and my mouth dropped open. “Say what,”
The old abandoned house or Mrs. Miller’s house was believed to be haunted! After old Mrs. Miller died in 1895 no one ever dared to live their or even go near it; As for me for being a typical coward, hearing the very name of the house send a tingle up my spine.
“Mike that place is haunted, there are thousands of ponds around here! Why on earth did you go there?”
“That place may be haunted coz, but the pond isn’t haunted. I didn’t see any ghost fish or toads in it!” He laughed showing out the small gap between his two front teeth in the upper jaw.
Mike’s a riot; he’s not afraid of anything. We’re both fourteen, but I’m much mature than him when comparing our brains.
But when considering social stuff and guts Mike’s the main star and I’m barely noticeable. I’m pretty good at playing video games, most probably I’m the best one in the whole town! Mike’s jealous about that because he can never beat my high score.
“Don’t go there again Mike, it could be dangerous.” I told him as we entered the park. It was swarming with kids carrying balls, kites and bats. The park in our town isn’t that large, but it has a separate play ground and a picnic area. The remaining area was covered with trimmed grass.
The two of us settled ourselves on a bench at the end far end of the park. Most kids and people were having picnics and engaging in various outdoor sports. But there were some who were just sitting and gazing around like Mike and me. The park is a good place to relax and enjoy.
Mike plugged on his earphones and switched on the radio in his phone. He bobbed his heading catching the beat.
It was getting pretty awkward; I was sitting with no one to talk to because my goofy cousin is listening to music and completely ignored me. I hate awkward situations.
I nudged him; He
gave an irritated look and took off his earphones. “What?”
“Hey,
did you find any tadpoles?” I asked, trying to start a
conversation. I don’t like to talk to Mike, but I didn’t
want to leave the park either. Just sitting around doing nothing
bugged me. That’s why I talked to him.
Mike shook his head.
“Nope, that pond was empty; it wasn’t even worth going
there. I thought there would be tons of creatures.”
“Why
did you need tadpoles anyway?” I asked as my curiosity grew.
He snickered. “For a science project!”
Mike was lying, and I knew it. When did he do science projects during the summer vacation? He was probably going to prank someone; most probably, it could be me.
“Anyway, I found this thing lying inside the pond.” He said as he pulled out a small card out of his trouser pocket and handed it to me.
The card was covered with green algae and mud. And it gave out a bad stinky smell.
“Yuck!”
I muttered. “This thing reeks, what is this anyway?”
“I
dunno,” He replied wiping his hands on his T-shirt. “Hey,
now I have a smelly skull!” He laughed.
I knew white wasn’t a good color for a messy guy like Mike.
Mike makes lame jokes all the time. I may be funny and all, but I don’t show that out to other people that much. So I’m like the normal guy when I’m around Mike who’s a total joker.
I wiped the bits of mud and algae from the card to get a proper look. Maybe it was just a discarded credit card or something, but no one goes near Mrs. Miller’s house except my cousin, so this could be something different.
To my surprise, the card started to glisten in the sunlight.
“Wow,” Mike uttered a cry. “It’s shiny!”
Nobody seemed to hear our surprised cries because we were sitting in a corner where there weren’t many people.
“Hey look, it has some kind of writing on it.” I held it closer to my face to read the small black letters printed on the silvery surface. “Congratulations, you have proven your bravery. We would like to meet you in front of the Miller’s house anytime you wish signed, TAM.” I read out is slowly.
“Who’s
Tam?” Mike asked. “Hey, is he going to give me a prize or
something?”
I looked at the card suspiciously, “I
don’t know about this Mike, this could be some kind of a trap
or prank. It’s best if you don’t go. This could be
dangerous.”
Mike looked at me for a while and burst out laughing, “Cody! You’re a coward! Plus, you sound like my mum. Hey I’m going there alright; I want to meet this Tam.”
“Mike, I’m serious. You can’t trust a card you found in an old pond. And as I told you before going to Mrs. Miller’s house is really dangerous!”
“I want to meet Tam, and tell him I’m an awesome guy,” He said gruffly, “And you can’t stop me!”
“Mike!” I said sternly. “Don’t go there!”
“Excuse me,” A girl voice interrupted our conversation; Mike and I looked up and saw a girl about our age standing right in front of us.
She had a small round face and two round twinkling black eyes to match the straight black hair, which was held back by a pink Alice band. Her hair was running up to her waist like a waterfall.
She was wearing a pink tank top and a short white pleated skirt along with pink sports shoes.
“Um, sorry to disturb you like this, but did you say ‘Tam’?” she asked politely.
For some reason I didn’t feel like telling her anything about the weird card.
I looked at Mike who was now on his feet and smiling at the girl; I told you he’s a really social guy, and likes to make friends.
“Well, we don’t know him, but I got this card with his name on it.” Mike said before I could stop him.
The girl’s
eyes widened, her light brownish face flushed with excitement. “You
got one too?”
Mike scratched the back of his head. “Yeah,
it’s for bravery I guess.”
“I got a card saying
that I’m sagacious.” She replied with another smile. “Oh,
I’m Kira Young by the way.”
“I’m Mike
Briggs,” Mike replied with a charming smile.
I cleared my throat to show them that I was there too.
“Oh and that’s
my cousin Cody Briggs.” Mike added quickly.
I stood up and
straightened myself. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Did you get a card too?” She asked.
My face felt hot. “Um, no card…I mean…uh,” Talking to new people made me nervous and I’m not good at talking to girls, I kind of forgot that.
“No, he didn’t get a card.” Mike said with a grin. “So, are you asked to go to Miller’s house?”
She nodded and
pulled out the card from a small pocket in her skirt. “Yesterday
when I was in the book store to buy a few workbooks…”
“You
go to buy workbooks in the middle of summer!” Mike cut in with
a gasp.
Kira didn’t seem find anything strange in it so she nodded. “Well yeah, anyway when I was in the shop I found a book with puzzles; they were tricky puzzled involving logic and thinking skills. I’m into that kind of things so I bought it. When I finished solving the puzzles after a few hours, I found this card stuck to the last page.
Mike laughed. “That’s a pretty stupid way to give away a card; I mean anyone can see the last page without solving the puzzles!”
Kira shook her head. “It wasn’t there before; I’m pretty sure about it.”
I shrugged. “So as a logical thinker, do you believe any of this?”
Kira turned her eyes towards me. “Well, I don’t believe this for now. It could be a prank.”
“Same here.” I replied giving my cousin an intelligent look.
“Are you going
to Miller’s house?” Mike asked ignoring my gaze. “I’m
going for sure.”
Kira stared at the card, “Well, if I
told my mum about this, she won’t believe it. And I want to
check out whether this is a fraud… ”
“Hey, you
can go with me!” Mike said actively. “I’m going
there tomorrow; I was searching for someone to come along with me.”
Kira smiled. “Well, maybe I’ll come. But you have your cousin to go with you.”
Mike scowled at me. “He’s afraid of everything. He’s scared of old Miller’s house.”
Kira smiled at me. My face felt hot, “I’m not scared, it’s just not safe!” I said quickly.
“Well if this whole thing was a fraud how did the card appear in Kira’s book right after she finished reading it?” Mike chimed in.
Kira shrugged, “That’s a good point Mike,” She stared at her wristwatch. “Oh, I have to go, See you guys later! And Mike meet me here at nine in the morning, I think I’ll come!” She waved and started to run towards the exit.
Mike waved at her, “Sure thing!”
After she was out of sight, I shoved him hard. “Mike! For the last time…”
“Hey, Kira’s going there too. And she’s a girl!” Mike cut in with a tired look.
I sighed. “Whatever, just don’t get into trouble ok?”
He nodded, “Sure, don’t worry about me. Anyway I’m going home; I need to fill up my brave stomach.”
“Quit saying the word ‘brave’” I muttered.
“Jealous much!” Mike teased. “Cowardly Cody’s jealous!”
“Nope, I’m mot jealous with Messy Mike!” I said as we skidded towards the exit.
“Wanna come to my house to grab a snack?” He asked as we walked through the sidewalk.
I shook my head and told him that I needed to head home to help mum with her chores.
Mike squinted at me, “When did you help your mother with the chores?”
The truth was I needed some fast cash to buy a new game; helping with the chores was a fast way to get some. But I didn’t bother to tell Mike about that. “I’m trying t be a good son!” I said as I ran home.
“See you later, good boy!” Mike shouted. I didn’t look back, if I did he’d say something else.
“Mum I’m back!” I said as I closed the door behind me, our house is not big and spacey like Mike’s, but it is a pretty neat little place with a small backyard.
I went into the kitchen found my mother preparing lunch. “Back already?” She asked without taking off her eyes from the vegetables
I nodded, “Yeah, I met Mike on the way to the park.”
“That’s nice. He’s a good kid.” Mum said with a smile.
“Do you need any help mum?” I asked looking around the kitchen.
To my dismay she shook her head. “No son, but you could clean up the backyard, your father wants to have a new carrot patch.”
My dad’s a doctor, so he’s very much concerned about our diet. He tries to make us eat clean, fresh veggies from our home garden, but nothing except grass grows in there. Well, he doesn’t give up easily.
“OK then, I’ll clean up the backyard.” I muttered. Things I do to get a video game.
“That’s very nice of you sweetie,” Mum said as I gulped down half a glass of water. “It’s good to do something useful.”
I nodded and headed out through the backdoor.
The backyard was filled with overgrown weeds, dead plants and leaves fallen from trees outside our fence.
Our backyard is small, and is bounded by an old black fence. But cleaning up that place is really hard.
I found a shovel and a lawnmower in the tool shed.
Minutes later, I was moving the lawn; it was getting hotter by the minute. But I had to finish this job.
“Hey Cody!” Joe, the kid next door peeked through a space in fence. He’s into video games just like me. And he asks tips and hints from me.
He’s a chubby eleven year old boy with red hair and orange freckles all over his round face.
“What’s up Joe?” I asked as I walked towards him.
“I bought this new game, ‘Myth defender’ and I can’t get through level two, got any tips?”
“Sorry Joe,” I muttered. “I haven’t played that game yet.”
Joe looked surprised. Usually I’m the first one to get and play a new game.
“I didn’t get my allowance.” I muttered.
“So that’s why you’re mowing the lawn. I was starting to think you have a green thumb or something!”
I smiled and carried on my job.
“Hey, do me a favor,” Joe shouted. “Take my CD and play the game!”
I shook my head. “No man, it’s your game. I can’t take it.”
Joe smiled. “You’ve always helped me Cody, you’ve earned it. But this game is pretty hard; no one can pass the sixth level.” He said handing over the case.
I took it from him. “I owe you big time.”
“Nah just beat the game, that’s a challenge.” He waved and went back into his house.
Joe is a pretty nice kid. He saved me from a load of work. I stopped moving the lawn and ran into my room. My room was strewn with cloths and CD cases. My bed was a total mess, the bedspread was lying on the ground and the pillows were nowhere to be seen. Posters of some amazing games hung over the walls and the ceiling was filled with cobwebs, well that’s living with nature. If my mum saw my room, she’ll banish me into the attic for sure! It’s a good thing she’s busy with the household work.
I settled myself in the beanbag in front of the TV, and inserted the CD.
The game appeared on the screen. ‘MYTH DEFENDERS’ was the title.
The game was about beating mythical creatures that were evil. I’ve played similar games, but this one was pretty hard.
I must have played for hours, but in the end, I managed to kill the Amarok and finish the game. I won!
Told you I could beat any game. I can’t wait to see Mike’s face when I tell him I finished the new game!
“CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE FINISHED THE GAME. YOUR TACTICS IMPRESSED US. PLEASE ACCEPT THIS CARD.”
The block capital letters on the screen confused me, what was this all about?
I took out the CD and discovered a small silvery card on it. The card looked the same as the one Mike and Kira received. I got the card for being Tactful in battle; it was also from TAM. Who is this TAM?
I punched Mike’s number on my phone, he answered in a few seconds.
“Hello coz!” He shouted.
“Hey Mike, I got a card too!”
“Really that’s cool! For what did you get it? perhaps for being a coward. “ He said ironically.
“No!” I said hiding my anger. “I got it for beating the new game, MYTH DEFENDERS.” I said arrogantly.
He was silent for a while, then he spoke, “That’s cool, that game was hard. Anyway, meet us at Nine tomorrow ok?”
“Is Kira coming too?” I asked disappointedly, it was better if it was just me and Mike. “And should we go?”
“Don’t start that again Cody, just be there. And yes, Kira’s coming too, she suggested the time remember.” He said with a yawn. “OK then, bye.”
“Bye.” I said as I put down the phone.
“Mike! Come here at once!” Mum’s stern voice came though the closed door.
I opened my door and dragged myself downstairs. Mum was in the backyard with Dad.
“Dad you’re early today.” I said with a smile. “What is it mum?”
“Son, if you want to help with the chores, you have to finish them. Look at the backyard!” Mum roared.
Well it was still messy and I’ve messed up the tool shed. I tried smiling at them innocently.
“Who wreaked the tool shed, I tidied it up yesterday!” dad asked with a groan.
That blew away my innocent look.
Well here I am again. Mowing the lawn and cleaning the tool shed. I’m a slave; an innocent slave who has to clean up the backyard because he messed up the tool shed which wasn’t even tidy!
After cleaning up the backyard, I headed into the dining room to have lunch. I was starving!
“Mum do you know anyone named Tam?” I asked during lunch.
Mum was thoughtful for a while, then she shook her head. “No, why’d you ask?”
“It’s nothing; I found that name in a number of places.”
“Maybe it’s not a name son, maybe it stands for something,” Dad suggested.
Maybe, I thought as I ate a mouthful of mashed potato.
That night all I could think about is tomorrow’s journey to Mrs. Miller’s house. I really didn’t want to go. But I wanted to prove Mike I’m not a coward. And who knows what awaits in Mrs. Millers house.
Next morning I had a light breakfast. I wore my old red hoodie and grey cargo pants along with blue sneakers. I headed out to the park to meet Mike. As I expected he wasn’t there. He’s always late whatever the occasion is.
I stood near the bench and waited for him. Unlike yesterday, today there weren’t many people in the park. A few people were jogging and others were silently reading books. So the park was very silent.
“Hello!” A familiar girl’s voice startled me.
“Oh I didn’t mean to startle you!” The girl said with a welcoming smile, it was Kira; she was dressed in a casual blue blouse and a short black skirt with blue leggings. Her hair was bundled into a neat ponytail, which dangled behind her head.
“I didn’t get startled!” I said quickly, my face felt hot; she must think I’m a coward!
“Where’s Mike, he said he’d be here.” She said looking around the park with her sharp black eyes. “Anyway, are you coming with us?”
“Um, yeah…I got a card!” I said as showed it to her.
She took it and gazed at it, her eyes widened. “Wow, your tactful huh?” She said with a pleasing smile.
I nodded. “I just finished the new game…”
“Oh wow!” She exclaimed. “That was the hardest game I’ve ever played! You’re amazing!”
Mu face felt hot again, I wasn’t used being admired.
“Hey…guys…what…did I miss?” Mike came running towards us, he was puffing and sweat was running down his forehead.
“Nothing actually.” I said as I took my card back. “We were waiting for you.”
“Sorry…I…think I overslept!” He said straightening himself. “I’m like a sloth sometimes.”
Kira laughed. “You’re one honest kid Mike; I would’ve made up some kind of a reason if I’d overslept.
Mike grinned. “Yep, I’m honest alright!”
I rolled my eyes. He wasn’t honest. He isn’t good at making excuses, so he just tells the truth in a funny way.
“Come on let’s go!” Kira said excitedly.
“Are you coming Cowardly Cody?” Mike asked ironically.
I shot an irritated look at him. “Quit calling me that!”
“Ha-ha,” He laughed. “It suits you!”
I frowned and walked past him, stomping my feet as loud as I could. Why does he have to annoy me every time?
Kira followed without saying anything.
“Hey, I was just kidding!” Mike shouted as he tried to keep up with me.
The anger gave me the courage to go right up to Mrs. Miller’s house which was in the deserted side of the town.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi kitty! I'm here to give you a review!
First I would love to say that I liked this and I look forward to reading more. Its not too complicated and has a sweet story line. The characters are cute and its easy to relate to them! Especially in the beginning, I understand how easy it is to get bored in summer.
I do have some thing to comment on and I really wish to help because I see real talent and would love to see you improve.
You already manage to describe the characters physical appearance well and also I can see that you do try to give some description such as : " my mother’s tiny but quick footsteps." and that is good!
However I did find some things that need to be improved on. You have a tendency to begin a sentence with 'and' and 'but', that's not really the way to do it. For example you wrote " And I thought it’d be worth it. But it wasn’t!" Try to avoid using prepositions (as, so) and conjunctions (and, but) You could write it in this way : I thought it would be worth it but I was wrong!
Another thing is that you should avoid addressing the reader. For example you wrote : "Welcome to my world" and "that’s pretty cool huh" while addressing the reader. The thing is writing is different from speech, there needs to be a sense of formality to the writing.
Enough of that, I really did enjoy it even if it was long!
Keep writing!
~RS
Thank you very much RadientShadow!

This review was super helpful and it showed out a lot of errors I didn't see.
I'll try to fix them in the future!!!
Thanks again for taking your time to read and review my story, it means a lot to me!!!
Have an amazing day!
Hi

I like your story, but there are a few things you need to work on.
1. "Oh" You use it a lot, and it disrupts the flow of the reading. You can take out the "Oh" and it will still work. “ I’m Kira Young by the way.” instead of “Oh, I’m Kira Young by the way.” and “ And that’s my cousin Cody Briggs.” Mike added quickly, instead of “Oh and that’s my cousin Cody Briggs.” Mike added quickly.
2. It's really LONG. It might be better if you had posted it as two or three chapters. If it's short more people will read it.
3. Sentence flow. You did well, but only one thing stuck out in the beginning. "After a week my whole schedule broke down and I was Bored!" maybe change it to "After a week my whole schedule broke down,and I was BORED!"
That's all I can say without repeating what other have posted. Keep up the good work!
Never Stop Writing!
@Remy020
Thank you very much Remy!!
Hi!
)
I like the idea of your novel, and although your characters aren't unique, I feel like the story line is pretty good - as long as you continue to develop it. Anyway, time for the review!
1. When you start a sentence with the word "and", it disrupts the flow (not counting poetry in this). Think of it like this - you take a breath after every sentence (which you kind of do, since there is a period break). There are a couple of these, but I won't waste your time in pointing them out. Just something to keep in mind.
2. Remember to only capitalize words that need to be capitalized. One that stuck out to me was in the beginning - "After a week my whole schedule broke down and I was Bored!" Even if you are trying to exaggerate the word 'bored', it should not be capitalized. Try italicizing it instead, if you want to emphasize it.
3. I notice that a majority of your story is written in the point of view of Cody, but he actually narrates (and talks to the reader at times). Although I really like the style, it can be a bit confusing at times. I encourage you to try and keep it 'focused' either on talking to the reader, or focusing on the story.
4. "Anyway I switched on the TV and discovered that the electricity was down, oh so that’s why she didn’t say anything." This is a comma splice. "Oh so that's why she didn't say anything" should be a separate sentence or just removed. It doesn't really add to the writing, and I think readers can guess why the mother didn't say anything. Try not to add too much information when writing. (Trust me, I learned this the hard way in NaNoWriMo
5.
I learned this a few months after joining YWS: these sentences should be combined. Try just saying the latter sentence. It doesn't make very much sense, does it? If you combine it with a comma - "You didn't answer my question," I said rolling my eyes - it makes more sense.
6.
I guess it depends on when this story takes place, but if it's what I'm thinking (2007-2016), then 1895 is probably a "too old" time era. I would make it more recent - around 1950-60 could be good. Also, add more to this. What makes people think it is haunted? Did she die right in her living room? Does she still haunt her own house to this day? I, as well as other readers, I'm sure, want to know.
7. Make sure when you write sentences, that you provide enough breaks (when necessary). An examples is this: "He bobbed his heading catching the beat." First, heading should be head, but it's easily fixed. Now - "he bobbed his head catching the beat." Mike does two things here, one, he bobbed his head, two, he catches the beat. So, there should be a comma between the two. (At least that's how I see it.) The word "and" is also good to use in a case like this.
8.
I don't think you do this too much in your chapter, but in this sentence you repeat the word "this". When you repeat a word in one sentence, it seems like you're repeating exactly what you just said, even if you're not. Try using a synonym for 'this'. Example: "This thing reeks, what is it anyway?"
9.
Again with too much information, but also, had Cody even cried out? I thought it was just Mike that "uttered a cry". Then again, I may be missing something.
10. "Mike said actively."
I'm not sure what you mean by "actively". I would try putting in another word for that, so it will make a little more sense.
11. “No son, but you could clean up the backyard, your father wants to have a new carrot patch.”
This seems a bit mechanical. Try loosening up the mother (as well as all the other characters') speech patterns. Make the words out of her moth appear "real" to the reader, instead of like a robot.
12.
This isn't necessarily extra information at the end (which was in the deserted side of the town) because it gives us a little more insight on the Millers' house. But by putting it all in one sentence, it seems like too much info.
Characters:
As of now, most of your characters are stereotypical. Try making them a different - unique. Make Cody extremely shy but offensive (as he already is a little already), and Mike really loud and kind of obnoxious. Then there's Kira, who's kind of mysterious yet friendly. Try making them your own. Set up some character sheets to learn more about them. Experiment.
Other Suggestions:
1. Post novel chapters in parts. It'll be easier for the readers, and you're bound to get more reviews if it's shorter.
2. Look through and pick out the spelling issues. I didn't mention those because I didn't want to waste your time with easy fixes.
All in all, this is a good idea for the novel. Great job, and keep writing!
~Snazz Pizzazz
sorry for talking to long to say thank you,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! this was super helpful!!!
No problem!
Hello writer12345! So first of all welcome to YWS and I hope you enjoy it here as much as we all do!

Now onto your story. If I must be completely honest, your story isn't extraordinary in the sense of originality. The idea of the cards is cool yeah, but nothing like we haven't seen before. Nevertheless, exactly because this is just the first chapter you can take it to the next level from now on. Try to keep the story as engaging as possible, don't stop surprising the reader and you'll have them on the palm of your hand.
Another thing you should be careful is editing. You should read over and over your story before uploading it because there were a couple of times on which you forgot to add things like 'the', 'to', 'on', and so on.
There were also a few mistakes.
'After a week my whole schedule broke down and I was Bored!' Unless it's a name you shouldn't capitalize words. It seems here you wanted to focus on that word, so you should either use bold or italic instead. There were other words like this through out the text and you should use the same.
'Anyway I switched on the TV and discovered that the electricity was down, oh so that’s why she didn’t say anything.' You can't mix thoughts with narrative. In this case you either use one or the other. You can remove the 'oh' and you keep it as narrative or you can stop the sentence at 'down' and then put the rest as a thought. But remember that you should distinguish thoughts on your text from narrative, and the way mostly used to do that is by italizing the thought. This applies to the other thoughts through out the text too.
'I dragged myself to the park, the heat was killing me, I should have brought along an umbrella.' I think you mean hat in here.
“Say what,” you shoul end with ?.
'“Don’t go there again Mike, it could be dangerous.” I told him as we entered the park.' When you end their first dialogue in here, before entering the park, it sounds unfinished, like you left a break here. This could be corrected if you added a small answer from the cousin, just a little reaction to Cody's warning.
'“I dunno,” He replied wiping his hands on his T-shirt. “Hey, now I have a smelly skull!” He laughed.
I knew white wasn’t a good color for a messy guy like Mike.
Mike makes lame jokes all the time. I may be funny and all, but I don’t show that out to other people that much. So I’m like the normal guy when I’m around Mike who’s a total joker.'
In this part you should put the sentence about the white not being good for Mike after the wiping his hands sentence. I say this because they are related to each other and if you keave it like that, when you mention how Mike's a joker it feels like the writer had just remember to add that little piece of information.
“Mike! Come here at once!” Mum’s stern voice came though the closed door.' Here it should be Cody.
'I nodded. “I just finished the new game…”
“Oh wow!” She exclaimed. “That was the hardest game I’ve ever played! You’re amazing!” How does Kira now which game he is talking about? You don't give any indication of her being a gamer and even if she were she couldn't possibly know which game he was talking about.
Lastly, and this is probably the one thing you should really be careful with, which is your tenses. Through out the text you sometimes mix past with present on the same sentence, see here: 'I was sitting with no one to talk to because my goofy cousin is listening to music and completely ignored me.'
Ok, this was long but I hope it proves helpfull to you!
Keep writing and hope to see more from you!
Thank you very much Cpedro; your review really helped me a lot!
You're most welcome! Hope YWS can help improve your writing as it did with me.