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A rift in time- Svtfoe AU fanfiction

by writerkitty

"Eclipsa!!" I shouted as I ran towards her castle, my hair hitting me in the face, I really should tie it in a bun. My legs felt wobbly, but I managed to keep running.

The past year had been a mess. Stupid confessions, awkward encounters... Basically, a lot happened, and I was getting tired of pretty much everything related to Mewni, and now Eclipsa's going to make things even complicated for me!

"Something's terribly wrong!" I shouted as I reached the main doors, which were open as usual. I ignored the puzzled monsters who were guarding the entrance and ran inside.

Eclipsa walked out of the throne room. She was dressed in her usual long dark purple gown embodied with light purple crescents. She was wearing her large sun hat instead of her crown, typical Eclipsa. "What's the matter sweetie?" she asked in a usual peppy tone.

"Mom's saying you're going to hand over the kingdom to me!" I almost screamed. My heart was pounding so hard, it felt as if it'd burst any moment.

"Well," Eclipsa smiled amiably, " I don't see anything wrong about that." She smiled as she adjusted her poofy teal hair, which had a few grey strands peeking out here and there.

"So you really are going to hand it over to me!" I gasped.

"I think you're capable of ruling a kingdom," Eclipsa said plainly.

Rule a kingdom? Me? The sixteen-year-old, who barely has any magical abilities? The trouble maker who can't even use the wand! She must be joking!

"You don't have to worry about it," Eclipsa broke into my thoughts, "Sweetie, I might not always make the best decisions, but I think you're -"

"Queen Eclipsa!" I cut in, my face grew hot and I felt a lump in my throat. "Meteora will be a better queen than me...I-I don't want to be queen." I clenched up my hands trying to retain the anger that was rising inside of me.

Everyone was expecting so much from me...first mom and dad, and now Eclipsa. Becoming queen wasn't really my only problem right now. I had a lot to deal with....

"Aww sweetie, I didn't expect you to be so upset about it." Eclipsa said placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder, "is there something else troubling you?" Her greyish-purple eyes locked with mine, making it impossible for me to lie.

"No..." I managed to mutter out, as my eyes grew teary.

Mom and dad are really nice and understanding, but talking with Eclipsa felt way easier...and I always tend to vent out my problems to her.

"It's just I don't-"

A strange rumbling sound made me stop halfway, eerie music started playing somewhere nearby. A gush of cold wind blew right past me, making my whole body shiver.

I glanced at Eclipsa, the color had quickly drained from her face. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I've never seen Eclipsa in such a state before.

"Eclipsa, what's that music? What's going on?" I asked as I took her hand, even though she was wearing purple gloves, I could feel that her hands were trembling.

Instead of replying she quickly withdrew her hand from me and took off her glove; revealing the dark purple marking on it. A strange bluish green ring with a shining white stone glistened on her index finger.

A tingle ran up my spine because I recognized that ring. "Is that the 'Ring of Time?"Eclipsa nodded as she quickly removed the ring and handed it to me.

"I don't want it..." I said, pushing it back towards her because I clearly knew that ring was a symbol of dark magic and it only brought misfortune. " You shouldn't be using it either..."

Before I could say anything else, the eerie music grew louder, and a dark shadow started to engulf our surrounding. She shadows almost look as if they were, alive."I'm sorry for putting you in such trouble my dear, but I don't have a choice. You're the only one who can fix the timeline." Eclipsa said as she slid the ring onto my index finger, "I wish I could explain more, but time is clearly against us. Remember the magic of this ring will work for two days."

Just as she finished the last sentence, the dark shadows completely engulfed us and the eerie music got louder and louder. Everything had turned pitch black.

"Queen Eclipsa!" I screamed, but I couldn't even hear my own voice, the music was too loud. I tried to run, using my hands as a shield against whatever obstacle was in front of me, but I found myself floating, floating in a pitch black space.

What was Eclipsa talking about? Fix the timeline, that doesn't make any sense? What on Mewni is going on?

I've been to the underworld, dangerous dungeons, crowded shopping malls, and even deep-sea trenches, but I've never been so scared in my life! My whole body felt numb, and I could feel the beads of sweat pouring down my forehead. My heart was hammering against my chest.

The eerie music got even louder, and I clasped my hands over my ears to prevent my eardrums from exploding. But the noise was still unbearable, and the eerie tone of the music was making me feel dizzy. It sounded like a strange lullaby, a lullaby want to put you to an eternal sleep...

I tried to focus my mind on the problem at hand, but right now everything felt like a problem!

I tried to use a simple teleportation spell, but failed miserably, which was the only thing that didn't surprise me today.

My eyelids were getting heavier by the second, I tried my best to stay awake, I could almost hear a female voice, humming to the eerie music, but soon the music overpowered my will and I drifted off to sleep... 

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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Thu May 16, 2019 4:39 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello, Kitty! FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day. And to help get your work out the green room.

Let's start with the review.

So I know you haven't been writing for a wile so I will just say your work needs a little more description. It doesn't need to much just a little more to help your reader to see what is going on, and to help your reader become more part of the story, and make them feel like they are there with the characters. So I have told you about a few things that has helped me with description before, but I think I'll just tell you them one more time. Sound, sight, feel and smell.

Other than that your chapter was really fun to read, and I really enjoyed it.

Your characters are rather interesting and I look forward to seeing more of them, and getting to know them better. I can see lot's of exciting things are soon to come, and I look forward to that. I think the story is off to a really good start, you haven't put to many characters in so this gives us time to get along with the once you have so far.

I can't say to much about your plot so far, because it's only the first chapter, but what I will say is that you have me hooked and I would love to keep reading your story.
I think you did a really great job with this chapter, to me the first chapter is about getting readers, and getting them hooked, and you did just that. So amazing job.

Your punctuation was all in the right place, making the read a nice one, everything just flowed really well. I also couldn't see any spelling mistakes in this to, so that's also really good.

Over all this was really well written and I'm glad I had the chance to read this and review it. I hope you will keep writing and never stop, and post again on YWS soon. I hope you have an amazing day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
Reviewing with a fiery passion!


User avatar
304 Reviews

Points: 19807
Reviews: 304

Wed May 15, 2019 9:59 am
Vulcanite wrote a review...

Hi @writerkitty I am just here to do a reel quick review on your work. So I think that every line was really nice it blended really well together. I can say that I no nothing about this, for I am guess this is the first chapter. but yeah I no nothing about one or thing, and this is how you start it of.

"Eclipsa!!" I shouted as I ran towards her castle, my hair hitting me in the face, I really should tie it in a bun.

So I am not really shore if this is the greatest way to start this hole thing of. maybe tell us a bit more about the place and this person. Before just going and rushing into things like this. I just think that it could do with a little bit more work and then it will be fine.

So other then that every thing was great. Your description may need work, but hay that is always going to need work no mater what. So I think this was really good and it was nice to read. I look forward to more.

So that is all that I can say about this. If I came acrose as being to harsh or not very nice about this, then I am really sorry pleas forgive me. So keep up the good work I think this was great to read.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill

Nothing is impossible, for the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'
— Audrey Hepburn