Published June 29, 2011
Rain is pitter pattering in interwoven patterns.
Mama pours in the salt and pepper
The white in the black night, flash like lights as they spiral into the soup
A little girl throws a penny into a fountain, it ripples
More fall
Aluminum foils crinkles,
As satisfying sound the Mama makes when she tosses the meat wrap into bin
The spout pours out water by the bucketful onto the grass below.
I see Stripes of blue and dots in the sky
Thunder crashes like beating drums
A huge fabric on the clothes line left to dry
Waves like a flag in the wind.
Following the flow in surrender
Purple waves, red sparks.
A natural orchestra,
Nerve-wracking
And
Unpredictable
filled with excitement
Music to my ears.
Raindrops trickle down my closed window pane,
chasing each other like mice cramming to reach the bottom of their race of time and space
Gold specks.
I am glad I am in my bed; safe, warm, cozy and not wet
Where I feed on the comforting mist that chills my skin but refreshes the air that I breathe
A storm.
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137,518 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
What I liked: The impressionism. I like how your poem bounce around, but it wasn't too all over the place. All the ideas in here still add up to one singular vision: a storm.
What Could Be Improved: "Like salt and pepper flashing crazy"…How do salt and pepper flash? However, I think I know what your trying to say. Is it how the rain seems like it's coming from salt and pepper shakers? That's a rare and interesting comparison, and I like it, but unfortunately it's hard to render well in poetry. Try replacing it with a different simile or metaphor that can be rendered better through poetry.
I hope you will benefit from my advice.
-Sophia Burnette
ooops that was NOT intended
I like this. You already got a very good review so nothing to say about that. What I want to say is ( maybe its just me) your comment above is a little braggy.
Keep Writing <3 dasiamari
oops, I am sorry, this was a long time ago!
OK, so, everyone's a critic
here goes..
Rain is pitter pattering in different interwoven patterns. This line doesn't flow. the word "different" or "interwoven"...one needs taken out to make it a comfortable number of syllables
Like salt and pepper flashing crazy. How is this like salt and pepper? Maybe it's just my feeble mind speaking...
Hitting the sidewalk like pennies causing ripples among the puddles. Again, uncomfortable amount of syllables
Aluminum foil crinkling, crackling.
The gutter poaring out extra water by the bucketful onto the grass below. WOAH! Waaaaaay too many syllables. And not exactly a nessesary line in all
Strips of blue and dots.
Thunder crashes like beating drums or windy hands hitting drum. ... "windy hands hitting drum"?
Or a huge fabric waving in the wind.
Coming in huge unexpected bangs or quick bursts. uncomfortable syllable amount
Purple waves, red sparks. lovely imagry
An orquestra in natural, organic, involunatary unplanned ways. Bit confusing, but nice
A unnerving, edge-of-your-seat, terrifying and wonderful one.
Music to my ears.A storm.Raindrops trickle down my closed window pane,
chasing each other like tear-shaped mice to bottom to find out the winner like a race. Consider making this more than one line, like "Chasing each other like mice . . . finding the bottom in their race"
Gold specks.
I am glad I am in my bed not just to be safe, warm, cozy and not wet but to hear it in a relaxed meditative state gives a cool and comforting mist where ever it is but that just makes it all the more wonderful. Is this really one line? RUN ON SENTANCE ALERT!!
I like what you're trying to say, but, seriously, consider revision? A good idea is to read over work (alot) before sumbitting it anywhere .
Here to help, honestly.
~Hopeispeace
Thank you!!!!