My Summer Romance

Thanks all. Like I said, it is all in my head and I need to get it written down first. This was just to see what people thought of it. It will get better and be imporved, but it might be a while before then. Thank you though. All crits are apriciated.

I think the story is pretty neat. I loved how you described each character. It did seem as though you were rushing through the chapter as if you had to tell it before you ran out of breath. Slow down a bit.

I liked this, but I have to say I got a little bored after a while. The way you have placed all of the descriptions, one after the other, in the text made me want to stop reading.
Your desriptions were excellent, but I don't think that it is wise, puting them all together in the same "chunk". If you spread them out, along the story when you meet the charecters, I think that would improve it slightly.

Also, I think proof reading your work before you submit it is a main factor, as I spotted many mistakes, some spelling and other grammar.
Other than that, I liked it.

Most of what I would have pointed out was already covered in Jabber's lovely long crit, so I'll just give you my overall impressions.

First of all, the idea is neat, and I like the personal tone which you establish in the first part of the story. Some of your sentences could be trimmed down and recombined for better flow, particularly regarding the way that your MC reacts to Cris - it gets a little repetitive. I also found myself skipping the entire portion on the helpers etc. Basically? It's a big-time info dump that isnt really necessary. Instead of exploring retrospectively, as if you're giving the reader a tour, I suggest you dive straight in and show us some action. Like Jabber said, have it be a Monday, show the helpers and their personalities when they're actually doing stuff, etc. We dont really need to know everything in there and what we do need to know could very easily be drip-fed or used to better flesh out the surroundings.

Those were my only major complaints, though. Sounds like an interesting story - will look forward to seeing it continue!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Your mistakes:
Underline is a missed capital
Bold is a spelling mistake

There he stood, tall, slim, but in his own way, handsome.

It's his eyes. I thought, for they were breath-taking.

He had steel-blue eyes, the kind that when you looked into them, you felt as if they were seeing straight to your soul.

They never failed to send my heart pounding everytime I gazed into them.

I'm surprised Chris hasn't figured out that I like him yet. Surely he can hear my heart beating every time I get near him! The sound is defining to my ears.

"Hey Danielle! Glad you're here. I really didn't want to be left alone with Bailey and them."

"Well, you know I wouldn't do that on purpose."

"I know." He grinned, that dazzling, boyish grin of his that turned me into a pile of mush.

Both he and I worked at an English riding stables in exchange for lessons. Buring the summer, they had week long camps for beginners to learn how to ride. At these camps, they would be taught how to guide properly, post, walk, and trot. At the end of the week, there was a horse show to reward all their hard work. It was rigged, of course, but the campers did not know that. After the show, a pizza party was held. Then they would leave, and we would get ready for the next week and new batch of annoying little campers.

On Mondays and Tuesdays, we had lessons for more experienced riders. They would ride for an hour doing the three main gaits: walk, trot, and canter.

In between the lessons, however, the helpers normally had nothing to do. it was then that Chris and I would sneak off, using the forbidden "show whips" to practice dueling. Of course, he being the better fencer, became my teacher.

"When you fence," he had instructed me once, "you look into your opponent's eyes, not at his sword."

It was then, as well, that I would look straight past his glasses into those dazzling eyes, needing to break away, but being thus entranced, could not do so.

The "bailey and them" he was refering to were other helpers out at Cross Creek Stables, better known as the Barn or the Stables.

Bailey was a blue-eyed girl of the age of eleven who was just as blond-brained as she was blond-headed. She wore glasses and had braces, as well. Very rich, and very annoying, Bailey could be heard from ten miles away, screaming out her beloved, stupid, horses name, "TIGGER!"

Jenifer, better known as Jen, was ten years old. She had brown hair, braces, and hazel eyes. She was adopted at birth, just as I was, and was exceptionally tall for her age. Proud, arrogant, she thought herself far above us just because she was a "show girl."

David was the only other guy helper, and one of the only other guys that ride, at the stables. He was short, with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. Fearful of all who could hurt him--wish was pretty much everyone--he was a prime target for most of the other helpers' torturing tecniques.

Britney was one of the only mature helpers at the barn, aside from David and Chris. At fifteen, she was the closet, until recently, I had to a friend out there. Plus, we both loved the same horse--Jim. She had long brown hair, was on the tall side, and had brown eyes. She was a hard worker and far more experienced horse woman than I.

These made up the regular helpers. Then there are those who come whenever they feel like it.

Rebecca is first amoung these. She was short, fat, with brown, curly hair and mouse like features. Her eyes were a brownish color. Rebecca thought she knew everything there was to know about horses and everyone liked her and wanted to be her friend. Well, she thought wrong. It was quite the opposite. She would not listen to orders, she followed people everywhere, and was just all around annoying! Plus, she really didn't know how to ride a horse.

Then there was Sydney. Whenever she came, is she bothered to come that is, she was of no use at all! She would not do any real work, and she would not listen to anyone, including the head of the stables, Mandy.

Rachel was a different story. She worked hard and was very quiet. I do not know a lot about her except she does what she is told when she is told to do it.

Amanda is in love with a devil horse named Madacat, but everyone calls him Kitty. She follows Jen everywhere, always tries to get out of work, and does not listen very well. She is okay...but preferably, it would be best if she was not around.

That just leaves two other helpers: Chris and me.

I am five foot two, have brown hair with blond highlights, hazel eyes, and always wear my black, lace up boots, black riding pants, and green Cross Creek T-shirt. Also, I have never had a boyfriend.

Which brings me back to Chris.

Chris has shaggy brown hair, is tall, skinny, and is absolutely amazing! He was not as experienced at riding as I am, but he knew how to calm them and deal with them if they were being stuborn or whatever. He is kind, when he wants to be that is, and would go out of his way to help me or do things for me, like getting a saddle down, ect.

I sighed.

"What?" he asked curiously.

"Um...nothing." I could have sworn that my face was flushed pink.

"What?" He persisted.

"Just thinking." I made the mistake of looking directly into his eyes.

There isn't much left to crit but here's what I have to say. You seem to be rushing through this passage to get everything out. Take a deep breath and slow down. It sounds good so far. Can't wait to read more.

There's not much left I can correct that the posts before me haven't already said. I'd like to see more, though...it sounds as if you have a good romance going. Fencing, though, at a barn? This Chris sounds rather spontaneous. Is this based on a real story? No matter, the idea was great, and with good corrections, and a patient hand writing the tale, I think this could turn out very well.

Thanks everybody. ANd Jabber, no you didn't offend me. Your comment, I think, was the nicest. But, I know it stinks. Mainly, I am trying to get the whole story down first, and find myself wanting to rush ahead. But...*sigh*...unfortunately, I can't do that. SO...I am stuck describing stuff, and characters, and the place. I plan to write out the story first, then revise the whole thing. Hopefully when I am done with it, it will be A material. Now, however, it is only the first draft. COmments of course help, which is what I was hoping for. Like, i thought introducing all the characters this way was a good idea, but now I see how that can be boring to a reader. So...I will revise it. It just might take a while! XD Thanks all! 007

Hello! Thought I'd drop by and take a look-see...*starts to read*

There he stood, tall, slim, but in his own way, handsome

It's his eyes. I thought, for they were breath-taking.

He had steel-blue eyes, the kind that when you looked into them, you felt as if they were seeing straight to your soul.

They never failed to send my heart pounding everytime I gazed into them.

"Hey Danielle! Glad you're here. I really didn't want to be left alone with Bailey and them."

"I know." He grinned, that dazzling, boyish grin of his that turned me into a pile of mush.

Buring the summer, they had week long camps for beginners to learn how to ride.

it was then that Chris and I would sneak off,

Of course, he being the better fencer, became my teacher.

but being thus entranced, could not do so

The "bailey and them" he was refering to

and one of the only other guys that ride, at the stables

He was short, with dirty blond hair and blue eyes.

wish was pretty much everyone

At fifteen, she was the closet, until recently, I had to a friend out there

Whenever she came, is she bothered to come that is

He is kind, when he wants to be that is, and would go out of his way to help me or do things for me, like getting a saddle down, ect

I'm in the same boat as Bianca. You say they're at a horse camp but there's nothing to denote that it's there. Just the mention of it and the horses it has.

There's no setting beyond telling. When writing, you show. Don't just list things like the descriptions. If nothing else, have the gaggle of unpleasant girls gossiping together in a huddle as the main character bumbles around with Chris.

I can tell you I don't normally read these kinds of stories, so I don't know how much my critique is going to help.

I dislike first-person, but that's a personal preference.

Everything is listed and very specific. Instead of saying "On Mondays and Tuesdays we have ..." Show it. Make it a Monday and have the more experienced riders coming out.

There's potential in this, but it's very raw. The biggest thing that I want to see is some setting.

There he stood, tall, slim, but in his own way, handsome.

But in his own...that part kind of implies that you're saying other people might not think much of him or whatever, like you've said that he looks weird or something...might just be me though...not entirely sure the but is appropriate here, maybe an "and"

It's his eyes. I thought, for they were breath-taking.

Should be italicized if it's a thought. And not sure if there's a hypthen thingy in breathtaking.

Surely he can hear my heart beating every time I get near him!

I'm not much one for exclamation marks...they just seem useless to me, like there's a better way without showing excitement and a more interesting way than going "!" Although that's more of a personal thing anyway.

Bailey could be heard from ten miles away, screaming out her beloved, stupid, horses name, "TIGGER!"

Horses should be horse's.

Whenever she came, is she bothered to come that is, she was of no use at all!

I think you mean if and not is...

As far as the story itself, I don't really personally like the way you introduced the characters as it wasn't all that interesting. I liked how you tried to make them different, of course, but you could have done as much through introducing them by dialogue or whatever and made their personalities just as or more distinct and kept your reader engaged. The way it is here with just listing them out would probably make someone stop reading.

There needs to be a bit more description in this, too, because right now it's kind of bland. It's easy to create cliched stories with romance, too, sooo...be careful of that. But anyways, there's not enough here really to see if this story has potential or not although I'm positive it does sooo...pm me when you post more up, mmkay?? Good luck with this!!