Published March 23, 2009
I just made this out of...well, nothing in partiular really.
I just made it.
Please do tell me what you really think.
Invisible
by: writergal
No one can ever see me no matter how near I am.
Why? Why? Why?
Because I'm invisible.
I'm different.
I'm not like them.
I often wonder why,
Is it that when they step out,
Everyone looks.
When there is a girl here
crying and crying for see has no friend.
Why? Why?
Because that girl, I, am invisible.
Why? Why? Why?
When all the riches and beauties step out, you see them.
But here I am, all alone, nothing special.
No one can see me.
Why? Why? Why?
Because, I'm invisible.
I know I'm not as pretty nor as rich but
why? why? why?
I'm just the same like them.
I've got feelings that I need to show.
Something inside me that needs to be known.
I've got a goal, a dream but no one can see this
for I'm invisible.
For no one pays attention to me.
We're all the same aren't we?
All equals?
Why? Why? Why?
There are who are like this but no one sees them.
Why? Why? Why?
For they refuse to even look at them, at us.
Why? Why? Why?
Because they treat us like were INVISIBLE.
But are we really?
We try to open up and show ourselves,
But we get ignored like a piece of trash lying around in the streets- no one wants to pick us up, no one wants to place us to where we truly belong.
As trash belongs to the garbage can, we, the invisible ones belong to a community, a family.
Why? Why? Why?
Because we are INVISIBLE.
Some are blind enough not to see us at all.
Why? Why? Why are we invisible?
Because they treat us like one.
Remember, in every person, is a star waiting to burst out and shine just like the rest.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
I am certain you are going to hear this often around this site, the words "show don't tell". In this case, they certainly ring true. Not to mention the constant use of the words "why" "invisible" are not only being over used, but they are being thrown in our faces after a while.
I understand your message, but right now this is basically a rant in poetry form.
You have clearly written this for yourself, which is a good thing. The problem is, you haven't really given your reader a reason to care. You're invisible, okay, now what? You're jealous of the rich and the pretty... and yet, I remain untouched.
As a reader with an unbiased opinion, I read this and find it to be a touch whiney. I can relate to the subject, sure, but I don't particularly care either way.
Give me a story, pick a specific instance where you were shunned by someone because you're not the rich and the pretty. Focus on one point, describe the scene, how do you feel when this is happening? What does he/she look like as they are shutting you out or ignoring you?
And then add imaginary, give me a picture, describe your skin fading in and out while they stare at you, seeing through you. (metaphor = happy!) give me something I can picture, something I can visualize. But most importantly, give me a reason to care by creating a character that I can care about, and a story that touches me.
Best of luck!
--OverEasy
Peanut here! Lets go over this together, shall we?
When you say 'Why? why?' on the 6th line, all the other times you repeat 'why', you do it three times, not twice. Does that make sense?
Just saying; you do not need to change this stanza in any way at all, in my opinion. I'm just showing you touched a nerve on me... good job!
?
This stanza confuses me deeply
This stanza seriously need changing. This one isn't, on it's own, confusing, but the way you broke up the lines made it confusing (to me at least; I don't know about anyone else). I would try spacing it, somewhat like this;
"We try to open up and show ourselves,
We get ignored as if a piece of trash,
lying in the streets;
no one wants to pick us up,
no one will place us where we truly belong."
See the changes I made? On the third line (in your original version), you start the line with 'but'. Everyone who starts their lines with 'and' or 'but' I always say, "Don't start it like that! I would never start a line like that!" Now, I am saying that to you. So;
Don't start a line with 'but' or 'and'! I wouldn't ever start a line like that!
Sorry if I was harsh or rude or anything, it's just I do not like it when lines are began like that. It is not only you!
All-in-all, great job. I can feel the truth you put in this. Again, awesome job!
[spoiler]7/10 Sweet!
Hmmm, honestly, the topic has been explored quite a bit already, but I'm always open to variations. I have to agree that the repetition of 'Why, Why Why' ruins the rhythm and the flow, and makes it sound whiny (sorry if that sounded mean.) You have potential, so keep writing!! Oh, and welcome to YWS
PM me if you need any help!
I thought is was great. Honestly, you and I both know that most people are great poets. Well, Dear, there are a few things I'd like to suggest and correct. First of all, I believe you misspelled a word. I think you were going to type 'she', but it said 'see'. I thought it was misspelled because 'see' would not really fit. But 'she' did fit, so. Secondly, in the end ther was a few lines that were too long, so if you want you can shorten them up. Lastly, you put 'invisible' in caps. It's not really necessary to do that, Dear. Well, other than that, I thought it was wonderfully, dramatically, great.
hey!
i'm here to review this.
i didn't really like it. it seemed like it might as well have been an essay. if you want to write poetry that touches people, you need to put imagery in. you need to use metaphors, and similes, and sense words, etc.
these are things that make your readers feel the emotions you put into the poem. when all you do is describe what you're going through, you aren't being as creative as you could be.
and the questions all around the poem seem to throw off the reader more than pose a real question. for example, the constant "why? why? why?"
it seems like everywhere you look, there's a question mark.
i didn't want to sound mean, i just wanted to be honest! this is constructive criticism so that you can improve.
Hey there writergal! Welcome to YWS! First of all, we try to keep a 2:1 ratio. that means that for every post you make you should review two works. that way, the reviews are always working.
Anyway, on to the poem!
Ok, so first of all there's this sentence you keep repeating all along the poem: Why? Why? Why?. Well, to be true this isn't very good. It ruins the rhythm and the repetition is boring.
Again, on the rhythm. The first sentence ruins the rhythm too. The two last lines are just repeating themselves. If you're not difference, then obviously you're not like them.
The punctuation here is a bit messy, along with the capitalizing. You repeat crying twice, which on my opinion ruins the flow. I think you meant "she" not see. The last line is just awkward.
The rest of the poem is just repeating yourself.
Just one more advice, don't capitalize words in the middle of a sentence.
So, review the meaning, the flow, the rhythm, the punctuation and you'll be fine. This just needs some polishing up.
One more thing: try to keep the rhyming into a scheme. Again, if you want to do a free verse, that's k too.
*Kat*
Anything just PM me!
P.S: Sorry if it sounded harsh.