z

Young Writers Society



Iced violet- chapter one

by writer_ally_reader


This is just the first part so more clues as to what is going on and more details to come! It is a

very rough draft so please give me any and feedback that you have! Would anyone continue reading this?_____________________________________________________________________________________________

The breeze began to pick up, and the warm sweet smelling air was gust out over the open lake. Waves began to lap the shore. Men and women alike began to close the shutters of their windows. Doors were barricaded. No one stood on the smooth cobblestone streets and no one thought to look into the sky. Flowing gracefully, as if somehow enchanted, a pearl white object swam through the air towards the deep, black, lake.

***

Rose slowly climbed the winding stairs to the tower overlooking the small town. Her soft waves of long, blond hair were tossed from shoulder to shoulder as the wind blew at her through the vacant windows. Her pearl wedding dress was draped over her arms. Her mind was whirring with the events of the previous days. Her fiancee pronounced dead after being in a horrible car accident. If only he hadn't gone on that business trip, if only… These words were repeated over and over in her mind. She wanted nothing to do with anything that reminded her of the wedding.

She reached the top and peered out towards the horizon. The small rain pellets were beginning to fall marking the start of a storm. She raised the dress up in her arms and out towards the open window. The wind pulled it out of her grasp out into the sky towards the lake until the bottom corner dipped into the cool glassy surface. Tears began to fall from her deep blue/green eyes. After only a few minutes the entire gown was submerged.

***

Rose's mind slowly began to creep into consciousness. Her eyes fluttered as she glanced around the room. It solid stone frame was completely flawless. Each stone on the flat walls was perfectly even. The floor was made of solid wood. She rubbed her sore eyes and felt the dried saltwater tears on her cheeks. She didn't remember falling asleep, although one usually doesn't.

She continued to look around the spotless room and she stopped to rest at the few items she held that she actually cared for anymore. She had so many possessions they were hardly all accounted for. But these things were the ones that she had actually bothered to keep close to her. The stained, and ripped diary, the locket she had been given by Rowland, her satin nightgown, her favourite gloves, and her violet scarf. They were barely visible in the dark, and shadowed room. Her eyes traced over them again and again. Her thoughts began to unwillingly shift to a past. A long forgotten past. And then she stopped on the scarf. Now she knew. These past years had all been a lie. She had lied to herself. Last night her dramatic show of throwing away the dress and crying herself to sleep had all been her subconsciousness helping her to forget. For after she had cried for so long she could truly sleep with an empty mind.

Abruptly she sat up and crossed the room in three long strides. She grabbed the locket and stared at it in her pale hands. Its silver surface looked unimpressive in the dim light. She spun around and threw it out the open window. The tower was so high up that she never heard it collide with the hard stone street. Then, one after the other, she threw everything out. All the lies inside the diary. She could remember gushing out words of love towards Rowland. The lies she had forced herself to believe. The nightgown and gloves. Simply items used to mask herself. And then the scarf was in her hands, and she had no intention of parting with it. It was all she had left of the past life. Trying to remember that life was like walking through a pool of molasses.

The thin threads on the tips were horribly frayed. She rubbed it against her cheek feeling the soft silk smooth away the crusty tears. She never took it away from her face as she walked down the stairs, out into the dark street, and off into the vast, empty fields. She never looked back.


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197 Reviews


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Fri Sep 19, 2008 11:07 am
olivia1987uk wrote a review...



Wow, I'm Olivia too! What are the chances! Haha!

The other Olivia seems to have picked out what I would have commented on but I have to say I liked the style in which it was written but was craving a bit of action in the two first paragraphs. They didn't really hook me in as well as they could have done. All that happens is Rose walks up some stairs!

However, your descriptions and imagery are good...I liked it.

Keep it up!




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Sun Sep 14, 2008 1:30 pm
day tripper wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Olivia! If my review seems kind of 'woo!' and I tend to scare you - its just because I'm super hyper (it's my birthday) So! Here we go.


Men and women alike began to close the shutters of their windows. Doors were barricaded. No one stood on the smooth cobblestone streets and no one thought to look into the sky.

This seems kind of choppy. Maybe if you took out the periods and placed in comas, it could flow better.


....air towards the deep, black, lake.

I always did this too, but you don't need that second coma. I don't understand why - never have or did, but all my reviewers, critiques, parents, and even my english teacher would tell me I don't need it.


If only he hadn't gone on that business trip. If only… These words were repeated over and over in her mind

This seems choppy too, just take out that period and place in a coma.
Also, in this paragraph you seem to use a lot of 'Her' in the beginning of a sentence. Change it, or else take out the periods and let it flow.


The small rain pellets were beginning to fall marking the start of a storm.

Here, you need a coma after fall.


blue/green

Blue-green.


Her mind slowly began to creep into consciousness.

TIP; When you start a scene change, don't start with her/his/he/she. NO! You start with their name(:


It solid stone frame was completely flawless. Each stone on the flat walls was perfectly even. The floor was made of solid wood.

CHOPPYNESS AGAIN >:O No, Im justkidding. Im not that mean. Haha, but it is choppy. remember, coma's make it flow! Also, in the beginning, it should be "It's" instead of "It".


They were barely visible in the dark, and shadowed room.

Remove that coma please(:


Well, it was confusing. Like the lies part, and even when she walked out. Where did she go? Was it just a street with a field? I'm so lost. Where is she in the first place? France, Italy, America? These questions shouldn't be asked - they should be answered within the detail. Work on that.

Another thing is choppy sentences. You seem to do a lot of that, as if you type, end it, think over, then go oh! and add something new. But when you read it over, it.feels.like.this.and.this.is.choppy.and.not.good.
See?

Rose: I liked her character... somewhat. Nothings really told about her - she just seems like a girl who's husband died and is mourning. Maybe some background information on her.





I do all of the training for Walgreen’s cashiers.
— The Devil