Falling through darkness,
not knowing where it leads.
Apprehensive about the destination, but
yielding to my future.
Looking down in this deep abyss,
the darkness seems to engulf me.
The chasm seems endless, but
don’t catch me.
Weeping and sobbing,
shoulders heaving with despair.
The journey makes me realize,
that no one will ever feel your sorrows.
I know that
hope is no longer there.
Maybe you will understand, but
don’t catch me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya, writer88! Best friends gotta interact online and offline too!
So, first thing I noticed, (even if I did co-write this) is that the first two lines are a bit...unsatisfying. Might wanna change, just like some user below me said. Don't you dare mention I am critiquing myself, though.
Second thing, is that the lines after the first two are weird, too. The "but" doesn't fit. You could say, "Being apprehensive of the
destination
while yielding to my future." Because, of course, the third line is a mouthful to say if you read out loud.
On the seventh line, I think the "but" again doesn't fit. Not that you need another word to replace it, it just doesn't work well on the line that it is currently on.
And, on the last two lines...presents a beautiful ending! This poem was good overall, of course with my help, and you need to be more active so I can review more of your works! Keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Wow. This poem is... wow. Completely in a good way XD
It's exquisite.
I really love it!
It seems like this was meant to be in stanzas, and a way you can get stanzas is to put a period where you would put an empty line at the end of the stanza.
Another general thing is that all lines of poems should be capitalized. I think it makes it more of a "poem," but it's your choice.
Please tell me what the darkness represents. I'm thinking it could have been a tragedy, the future, or all your life. No matter what it means for you, it's gonna be different for everyone, but it's an extremely powerful poem. An extremely powerful poem. And relatable. I understand how you feel by how you describe what's happening to you and how I can relate to what you're saying. I also love your imagery.
One quick thing I would like to say, is consider moving the 'but's you have in this poem to the line below it.
My favorite part of this poem is "Weeping and sobbing,
shoulders heaving with despair," because I could picture it and know what that is like from personal experience, books, and movies.
I also love "I know that
hope is no longer there.
Maybe you will understand, but
don’t catch me," because I know so many who have lost hope. And they won't be saved; I try, others try, but they, too, don't want to be saved. And it kills me because I do understand, and I just want to help them, but they don't want to be helped.
Thank you so much for sharing your art on YWS
Hey writer88 and wisegirl22! Writer here to review your work.
So this work is off to a really great start! The word choice is pretty good, but the flow is what I want to talk about the most.
Let's get started, shall we?
This is a good opener, but I really dislike the "not knowing". Starting lines with "ing" always don't work well for me, because the flow becomes a little choppy and not as smooth as "where it leads is unknown." So, consider changing it to a line such as the one I just gave you. It's entirely up to you, of course!
The first line was a bit of a mouth full, and there's nothing wrong with using stronger word choice, but it kind of breaks the consistency. The rest of the poem has a better flow than these two lines. I dunno, it's up to you. But I would change it to something like "Anxious to find the destination" or something like that. And I'd be careful about syllables as well. I understand this isn't a rhyming poem, but something about different syllables seems a little off to me. It's up to you, however.
Alright, a few things here I want to go over. First off, the first two lines are perfectly decent. I don't have much of a problem with that. However, the last two lines are a little more problematic. The flow is broken when you have the ", but" still on the first line. I suggest leaving the comma and then making "but" apart of the "don't catch me." Also, even though "me" is the same word each time, it still rhymes, and this isn't a rhyming poem. So I advise working on that
Here, again, be careful with syllables. I really dislike the last line, because the speaker is talking about them here "I" and "my." So to be consistent and keep that personal idea here, I would change "your" to "my." If that makes any sense.
So these last lines were a little vague and confusing. The speaker understands they won't succeed/accomplish whatever they're trying to do. And for one thing, you never do talk about them falling, so why does the speaker say "Don't catch me."
I liked the content of this poem a lot! You guys did a great job with word choice! I just think the flow is a bit off, and the poem could be looked over again
~Writer
Thanks so much for reviewing! Writer88 appreciates your review!
Ya I do! (wisegirl22, I can talk you know. LOL It's OK.) Thanks for reviewing my work though thewriter13!
Congratulations on your first post and welcome to YWS!
Loved the poem... but don't really have anything to fix. The last two lines were my absolute favorite... It's almost like a princess refusing to be the damsel in distress type of thing.
Good job again
CreativelyWritten
Thank you so much!
I really love this poem!
Everything seems perfect to me. You used great words that fit the poem perfectly. And I just felt it was nice to read. It seemed to "flow."
Thank you so much! This is my first post, so this means a lot to me!!!