*ELI POV*
"You still love me, admitt it." Julia whispered.
Eli arose in panick. The clock showed 7:30 am, he was early for school but didnt want to go back to sleep.
"I dont love her, i love Clare. I dont love her, i love Clare." He kept repeating, but did he truely mean it? Was he sure Clare wasnt a replacement for the one he loved before? Julia?
He threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen.
"Hey buddy." His dad said.
"Hey dad."
"Whats going on between you an Clare?"
"She just needs some space, thats all, OK?"
"Whatever you say Eli. But take my advice, dont give her too much space."
Eli took that into consideration as he walked to his car for another day of school.
*CLARES POV*
May 2 2011
Im not sure what to do anymore, I still love Eli, but not as much as I did before.
He's too protective and never gives me enough space. Maybe its just me? So much has happened and
im not sure if I can do it anymore
"Clare, whatcha writing?"
"MOM! You scared me, and um just writing homework."
"Oh well you better hurry because you have 5 more minutes before school starts."
"Ok , bye mom."
[color=#0040FF]*ELI'S POV*[/color]
There she is. Do I say hey or just walk right by her? I mean were still going out right?!
"Hey Clare!"
"Oh umm hey Eli." She says back. Then walks away. With no emotion. None.
"Sorry dude." Adam says.
"Its fine! She just needs space!!"
"Ok , just chill man."
I love her too much to let her go. Im not letting her leave. She promised.
*CLARES POV*
There he is. Just as im about to turn the other way he decides to say
"Hey???"
WTFFF
I thought I asked for privacy. I need to break up with him. Soon.
"Hey Clare." Adam walks up to me and says.
"Oh hey, whats up?"
"Eli."
"What do you mean by, Eli? ... "
" You neeeedd to talk to him!"
"Care to elaborate Adam??"
"He's planning something."
"You mean-"
"Yea, that."
We both stared at eachother in silence and in fear. SHIT Eli! I ran to the parking lot where I would find his car. Bad thing was ... I couldnt find it ....
[flash=][/flash]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
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Hello there.
I'll begin with nitpicks and then go on with overall impression on your story.
Normally when someone writes something that has to do with how the person talks or just the simple 'said/says', there should be a comma between the dialogue and the actually writing. Periods are for when you write something that has to do with the reactions, or the surroundings.
EX: "Yeah," Simon said vs. "Yeah." Simon looked around, searching for his friend.
It's always better to write the full numbers.
This part should be in italics because it's a direct thought.
Overall it's not bad. It's a little bit confusing because of the POV always changing. I think that if you would make the parts with different POVs a little bit longer, it would be a little less confusing and fast. It seems like you didn't even take the time to introduce us their situations and personality. It's not because it's a fan fiction that you don't need to set your story.
Also, like Jenth mentioned, you seem to forget to situate us in the dialogues. Hints about who's talking and the tone they use as well as some other stuff about their positions, movement and facial expression really helps the readers get into the story and the characters look more real. Also, it's a little bit less confusing to read.
I like the fact that you did the two points of view though, since in the show, we don't really know exactly what is going on in their heads.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Wow! That was really a good story! Continue!
Hi!
So I didn't get a whole lot from the story and the ending was really confusing, why did he decide to die? And I didn't get to know the character's very well, I mean their personalities/traits. But the backbone of the story is definitely there and you have something to work with, I would just give it more depth and personalize it. I guess I'm kind of rambling, but PM me if you have any questions!
~Dakota Knight
So, first off, Welcome to YWS!
Alright, the shifting POV's was a little confusing, especially since you didn't introduce any of the characters to the reader. Next time, go a little slower and bring each character into the plot. As of now, I know nothing about the people in this story other than their name and that some of them have serious problems.
Take Clare's and Eli's relationship for example. Why is Clare standoffish? What started the crack in their relaltionship? I don't want the whole story, but a little background is always good.
Also, the dialogue was not exactly realistic. You need to break up the quotations a little more (like this: "Its fine!" Eli insisted. "She just needs space!!") and the conversation in general. This is an example:
After enough of that, I found it hard to keep track of who was saying what.
Fix those problems(and the general spelling/grammar errors) and I'm sure you'll have a nice story on your hands.
Jenth