Published February 20, 2008
I wrote this kind of on a whim- tell me what you think
Rise of Dreams
Smoothly do they glide
Smoothly do they set
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set
Dragging forth from wonder
Inspirations own true mind-
The dreams of thousands
Lay upon the mind.
The darkness around it billows
A clock of light around its neck
Moon of Darkness wanders
To enclose upon the mind.
A child from below
Screams in awe filled wonder,
As her nightmares from nights past
Threaten to consume her.
The morning sun breaks through
Shining through the dark
Returning to them happiness
And their lives inside the light.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,617 Literary Works • 675,172 Reviews
Thank you so much! lol sorry I actually copied and pasted the wrong poem, my final draft has all of the commas and grammar errors already mentioned. I was actually trying to stab at a little bit of alliteration, but I guess I overshot it a little bit and turned it into a rhyme thing. Thanks so much again!
1dering already pointed out the weird rhyming thing, so I won't repeat it.
You started out not using punctuation, then by the end, you have some. It was a bit distracting.
But regardless, I loved this poem. It was just so lilting and soft and yet so poignant. I couldn't really put my finger on what it was that I liked so much, but I really did.
Great job on this! *applause*
~GryphonFledgling
First off, I don't see how this poem was cliche at all. You did a beautiful job of painting images and setting a sort of magical dream-like feel for it.
The main problem I found with this was using the same words I pointed out above. When they are there, it becomes strange later on because they sort of rhyme (since they are the same word) and then when you stop doing that, it feels like you've suddenly just stopped rhyming (even though thats not exactly what is happening.)Now for the critique:
But really, it was beautiful. Nice to read something different for a change!
Hi i see a grammar error let me point it out to you ok.'
"Smoothly do they glide
Smoothly do they set
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set " Alright a comma after the first line than a period on the second line same with the third and fourth.
Third line gets a comma fourth line gets a period. There are other punctionuation problems in this but poem was cliche. Not bad but cliche.
Well if you have any questions about what i critiqued here PM me at anytime ok.
TTYL SimonCowellLuver