It got me at my worst
As I woke up at 6:10 am
Looking at my phone
Realizing
that I don’t have a lot of time to get ready.
I washed my face
And put a huge blob of cream
Taking my primer
I drew on my skin.
My face
Was nothing more than a canvas
On which I drew every morning
thinking
Maybe now the world will accept me.
A hint of bronzer
And a lot of blush
Not forgetting my highlighter
I did my make-up.
I came to my eyes
Using three different colors
I decorated them as well
And oh, how can I forget
A perfectly winged eyeliner
I curled my eyelashes
And used two coats of mascara
A blue and a Black
Because why not?
With a lip tint of a color
A purple that I never wore
I filled in my lips
And left it with a hint of pink.
Up in the mirror
I looked at my self
With a mask on my face
I forgot to put on my smile.
I looked at this different person
That I had become
A person, losing her originality
With loads of make up on
But a mind without a destiny.
Who knew I’d become someone
Who depended on make up to be pretty.
Who knows where to look
In this world full of beautiful eyes
That tell a thousand stories
But lost, with fake smiles
Just to be pretty.
We become someone
Whom we fear to be
We change ourselves
Just to be accepted.
I changed myself into someone totally different
I became someone like the others.
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138,049 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello, I find the overall concept good but there are some rough edges that has room for improvements. The way of breaking the lines also gives a rather monotonous tone to the poem. In my opinion it would be better to give the poem a uniform or a proper format like the number of lines in a stanza and providing a blank space every after a single stanza to emphasize the division per stanza. This poem gave me an impression of an essay that was cut off every couple of words because as I said before, it was rather monotonous. It was also lacking alliteration devices and rhyming words.
Hai writeforfreedom23,
I haven't reviewed much lately so I decided to check how the lit pieces were going. Ok, first of the bat the concept is just great! Honestly, I wouldn't have thought to write some this this interesting. I usually look at a writing piece that really speaks to me. Sometimes it's even amazing that you can really show a picture in a persons life. The most important thing I wanted to ask you personally was if this was something you wrote to try and explain yourself. If so, I think that it was portrayed quite well. I was writing a piece about a year ago and it was about life vs art. I pretty much did exactly what you did and created simple metaphors and similes. Of course when you heard it sounded good but when you deeply thought about what I wrote, it wouldn't make sense. When it comes to depth of meaning, we must be precise. When Romeo states "It is the east, and Juliet is the sun" he explains how she is brighter than the sun. But...what else? He says in depth of meaning that she stands out greater than a bright light. Remember "depth of meaning" and I think you would be a wonderful writer.
Nidkits
Hey! Chits here for a review.
First of all, I really admire the topic. The most prevelant in today's world. The overall concept ,the way you described your point of view,is beautiful..really.
Coming to improvement.....it would be more effective if it would be in set of four or six lines.
Also you can use rhyming words or alliteration or oxymoron somewhere like "disagreeably pleasant."
These all small things make a poem come to life and have a lasting imprint.
Overall, I consider it a TRUE poem.
Keep writing.
Very nice.
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
On to the review!
I'll start by welcoming you to the site, however belated it is. Enjoy your stay here... If your ever have any questions, shoot a PM to any name in green or red.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I will point out that the theme is oh so common. I've read numerous poems using make-up as a way of displaying the theme "find your true self", or "you are beautiful". That's not to say it was a bad poem, or that I liked it any less, but it's just a point to keep in mind for the future. The best poems are the most original!
That aside, this was definitely a great piece. I think my biggest problem with it is the lack of formatting. Stanzas are a very important part of a poem, because it's so small, yet so big. Now, the publishing center is a demon hellbent on destroying your beautiful poem's format, and so allow me to teach you the spell that can prevent it from doing so.
First, in the publishing center, hit the "</>" button. That'll show you a black screen with white words and random formats in "<>" brackets. What you need to do is put a "<p>" at the beginning of each stanza you've designated, and a "</p>" at the end of each. This tells it you want a space between these two phrases.
You also need to tell it you don't want paragraphs (The "p" in the code stands for paragraph, and is the HTML code for it). Instead, you want lines in a stanza. To tell it to break the lines, just add a "</br>" to the end of each line you want separated from the next. This should create a poem which is correctly formatted.
Anyways, overall, great job! Keep up the great work, as I look forward to seeing more form you. And if you have any questions for me, just shoot me a PM.
Hello writerforfreedom23,
So since you're like, brand new to the site, I'm going to review in the typical YWS Critique Sandwich which should give you a good feel for how it's done. This method is one that we like to encourage our users to use so that everyone gets the most out of a review. Here's a link to the thread where Nate, our head hancho, describes it. The YWS Critique Sandwich
For this review, I will label my sections, but usually I won't, I'll just run through them one by one, or even stack them inside one another depending on the situation, sort of like a Big Mac with two bottom buns and two patties and everything!
Top Bun - Compliments
I really enjoyed how you worked with imagery and internal thought in this poem. You made a point of giving us something we could hold onto before you dove head-first into the deep end of this pool with what you wanted to think about, or wanted the reader to think about. The sensory imagery in the descriptions of the makeup are good. You use a lot of colors and if you're someone who puts on makeup, I'm sure you would be able to know exactly what all of this means.
Veggies and Greens - Things I didn't like
While you did that well, I feel like the way that you said these things was somewhat rough. You have a lot of end-punctuation which feels like it's cutting off sentences, and that's making the poem harder to read. Here's a link to a thing I wrote about punctuation in poetry that might help you see the different options at hand. Punctuation in Poetry
You might also want to consider making your lines longer and working in enjambment so that you don't have so many short lines. This is making the poem drag out in my opinion right now and that's creating more trouble than it's worth. If you just let the poem naturally bunch up together, you'll get rid of a lot of your end punctuation and you'll have a smoother read.
The Meat - Places to Improve
Going right along with that, I'd like to point out an area where you've got the poem all stretched out when it doesn't need to be.
Here we have something that becomes pretty typical later in your poem. You've used a period when you didn't need any punctuation at all and it created a fragment sentence, which might be OK in some cases for a poem, but in this case, it just makes the poem jerky and halting. [Oh, here's another link for a guide on formatting for YWS so you don't have to have the awkward spacing How to Format Poetry ]
If we just remove the end punctuation, it becomes a much cleaner read. I'm also going to take away the line capitalization [you can read about what that is in this Capitalization in Poetry] so that you get the full effect of the words flowing together. I will leave the capitals in your "I"s however.
Now that reads nice. There are still some problems I'm seeing, like the repetition of the "I [verb]" sentence structure, but it's doing a lot better than it was with all of that punctuation and capitalization. It just takes some of the tension out of the poem and makes it show it's natural colors.
Bottom Bun - Conclusion/Summary/Too Long Didn't Read Review
All in all, I think that you've got a poem worth salvaging here, and it won't take much. A big step in the right direction, in my opinion, is just taking out the awkward capitalization and punctuation errors.
I'd suggest that you try getting this whole poem into a paragraph, take out all of your lines and stanzas and all of that, just make the whole text one big paragraph, punctuate it like you would for an English teacher, and then break it back up with unique chunks that provide an interesting idea together. Try to avoid putting periods and commas at the end of every line when you break it back up again.
This could help you see where your fragments are, how the poem reads without the capitalization and punctuation as you have it now, and it could help you come up with some new, unique ways of wording things if you tweak what you're saying while you do this.
Hopefully that gives you a different perspective on your poem and provides you with a chance to look at it with a new set of critical eyes!
If you have any questions, I'd love to talk with you some more.
-Aley
I don't quite get what you are trying to convey with these 'i's and 'I's. Stick to one is better to avoid overthinking over things that means the same. (or forgive me if I don't notice anything.) And the "-Taarini Das" is not really needed too if it not part of the poem. If you want people to know your name then it is not here (in the poem). Except this is not your poem nonetheless. Well, putting the name at the last line actually has impact, but never mind that. And I quite dislike the title because well, it represents an open scale and too plain. Well not that too plain is bad though. Keep writing.
Okay this review is weird, so I don't consider this as one, but as a comment. lol
Spoiler
hey
thanks a lot for your point of view.
I'll keep that in mind for the next time. (with the 'i's and stuff.)
And i just have the habit to put my name at the end. Just something i am used to. (old habits die hard, you see?)
And do you have any suggestions for a better title? I'd be more than happy to incorporate it.
And thank you for such an honest opinion.
And yes, I edited the 'I's & 'i's part. Thank you for pointing that out.
I don't have suggestions and my suggestions are awful. xD But you can incorporate something that really symbolized what you meant in the title--something concrete is preferred.
No problems. :3