Why Can't You See?

This was a pretty well written lyric for a first time lyric.

There also is not a "rule of thumb" when it comes to writing a lyric or chorus. I don't know where someone got the idea of that. Writing lyrics is to express certain feelings that an individual may have. For that reason there is no rule as to how it should be written because it's at the full control of the writer.

Oh, I really like this song, like really like this. I can imagine the sour looks that girl gives that boy or that boy gives that girl. I really like this, no lie thats why I keep saying it. And this is the first song that you have ever written, i like it.

How did this happen? That is exactly what happened to me in fourth grade.
The Tiger... I met someone who knew me that way.

Looks a lot nicer and more organized now, easier to read this way (if someone were to listen to it, it would be a different story but as writing goes it should be easy to read). You still have the odd pause in the bridge with 'I don't know if can take it' I think you meant to add an 'I' inbetween 'if/can' but rushed through the bridge so you might have missed it. Your chorus is still stretching the length against the versus' but it is a lot smoother so it really doesn't matter, as well your end chorus can actually be an outro since you changed some of the main lines in the chorus to suit the end which would switch it from a chorus to an outro/break/bridge depending on if you wanted instruments to follow (outro=end, break=music, bridge=music to follow; at least to my understanding.). Glad I could help you, as well you did make some awesome improvements with just organizing it better.

Only improvement I can come up with now is write more and become familiar with different writing styles associated with lyrics, as well as expand your vocabulary to make your lyrics more intricate and majestic. I would keep this as is, it is a solid start to what can become a very fulfilling artistic direction.

Could be organized better, the first two verses can be split and used later in the lyric specifically the second one. The chorus is a bit lengthy, typically you want to keep the chorus shorter than the verses for rhythm purposes (rule of thumb I learned was 4-6 lines for chorus excluding pre-chorus.). What did you mean by this line "I don’t know if can take it."? It has an odd pause between 'if' and 'can' that stops the flow dead. The rhymes used seem forced but that depends on the tune you would put to it, however I still think they are forced and simple. The repitition of 'your arms' at the end is very nicely done and adds a nice touch to the piece as a whole.

For the first time through you did pretty good, if you were going to work on something I would say work on your rhymes and vocabulary so the entire lyric would sound better and flow nicely. As it stands it is a good start, with some fine tuning you could have a fantastic piece here.

writ3rindisguis3 wrote: If you only knew me from the heart,
You would know what I’m going through.
When I saw you from the start
I knew I would never win.

writ3rindisguis3 wrote:It’s a stab in the heart.
A splitting apart.