Published June 9, 2008
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141,284 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
I like this a lot. I wonder what gave you the idea. It's a very nice idea. I think, to add to the feel, it would be nice if you added some description of the way home. Obviously, you do have some, but it's quite vague. And I think, Bella, in the middle of the night, if you describe the fright of getting caught etc. would add to the reader feel of the situation.
It might be just me but I didn't fully understand what you were saying here. I think you should say:
He would probably beat me: I'm a woman.
You know what? I didn't word that very well, but if you could reword it somehow.
As she lay on the ground being kicked by my father, she whispered, “Bella, I love you.” I barely heard the whisper, but those words are still with me today. After she said that, she took one final, shaky breath and closed her eyes.
I personally don't like the laugh, but that's just me. I think instead of just saying "My father laughed at her," though I know that in the next bit you do describe it, I think you should desribe it somehow else:
The dimples of a perverted laugh, a grin, something you do in joy, spread accross his face, stretching it...
you get the point...
Though that's just my opinion.
Overall, I think that you have just written an extremely strong peice. The ending is very touching. I loved it. Well done, looking forward to more!
im sorry but that was so stupid! Its nithing like twilight! you nedd to go back and read the book!!!
that was really good. There are a few things that need changing but other then that its great. You can really feel the anger and hate of Bella and i love that.
Awsome.
xx.
I really liked how you formed Bella into this character. I could see a very clear picture of Bella's mother getting beaten by her father. Very good job with that. I'm not a very good critique either so... very good first chapter, I'll be sure to read all of them.
ooh, yay. I love it i love it i love it!! Next chapter here I come!!
I think Kiss In The Rain got almost everything I was going to say.
Your writing style is, contrary to what Embroswyn15 said, quite cliché. A lot of the 'personality' such as:
I'll have to applaud you on the creativeness of this fanfiction though. Set in the 1900's. Very nice. It's unique and caught my eye when I was scanning through the different stories.
Now, onto the few bits of critique that I'm going to add:
is seen in many different varieties through lots of different fanfiction. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying that a person like you, who could think up such a creative plot such as this, should be able to develop a unique and enjoyable writing style.
While the use of sarcasm is good to have in all sorts of writing (as long as it's not some sort of political or overly serious paper), there are infinite different ways to approach it. And the way you did is the way that MANY other writers do.
Glare is already a verb meaning 'to stare at with disapproval'. You didn't need to add the additional 'staring' part. That just made the whole sentence sound a bit wrong. And the use of 'my mother' in that sentence would have sounded better if it was replaced with 'her'. Since you used a pronoun in the beginning of the sentence to refer to her mother, and it would have made more sense to use an alternate version of that pronoun, in this case: her.
'Yes, it is dangerous for us, but it's worth it' would have sufficed. You already mentioned 'feminist meetings' in the previous sentence, so the readers would have understood that 'us' meant females that participated in the meetings. You didn't need to add the 'women' there.
I'll have to agree with Kiss In The Rain that there was nothing that really caught my attention in the actual written part of the story. Your Author's Note caught my attention more, because it mentioned that the story was set in the 1900's. All in all, I thought it was a mediocre piece of writting. Definitely not terrible, I've seen much worse, but not all too wonderful either. I would suggest a beta-reader, if you don't already have one. And if you do, then I suggest you get another beta-reader that's more nit-picky.
Also, I suggest thiswonderful website. It's absolutely amazing, and quite as blunt as I am (apologies for that). But it is very helpful and has a few good cited works that is equally helpful to anyone that writes fanfiction.
Sorry again for the bluntness,
CJ
Cool, kinda short but good. Much different but good, at first when I saw feminist I was lke okayyy, what does trhat mean? You kinda explained it to me, I'm a poor reader with no knowledge, lol. I like violence, (lol, probably not the best way to put it) I like action, there , that's better. I hope to see some! Will there be any? I'm sure there will, i just need to kepo reading,
Scorpia
wow...its a very different from the twilight we all know
I think its awesome how you took the characters and developed them in your story, it was really good, i really like your way of writing. However, I think it was kind of boring,you should put a little more emotion in it.
but overall nicely done, Good job
Well, this is certainly different. You put in some good detail. I'm definitely going to read the rest of it, to see what happens.
I really like how you set it in an earlier time period (i love thoses kinds of stories) which gives it a certain feel, plus whatever unique plot details you add to it yourself.
A few things.
The line "Get upstairs, you little brat.".... It's not... in time, if you get what I mean. I don't think that people used "brat" in the early 1900's. I would use something different.
I would win this fight against men! I would! (the exclamation points add emphasis.)
*~*
Okay. For the most part, I don't think you added enough in the first chapter to get the ball really rolling. You start with her walking home, but nothing happens. No threat + no conflict= boring. It's not enough to grab my attention. I'm going to read the second chapter, only because I love Twilight so much, but if I knew nothing about the book, I can promise that I wouldn't continue to the next chapter.
I'm terribly sorry that that sounds so awful. It's very mean of me, but it's also because of Twilight that I'm so nitpicky. Add some more detail; more adjectives. Bigger words. The works.
Sorry, again.
*~*Kiss*~*
All I can say is wow.
That was amazing. Your style of writing is very beautiful and I think you truly captured Bella's traumatizing memories and her emotions at the time with pinpoint precision. You wrote it beautifully. I can't wait to see the next chapters.
wow. that is truly a different take on the character of twilight. i can practically feel the hatred coming from Bella at the end. Also when she seeing her mother died by the hands of her mother, the sadness as her Mother says " i love you."
I'm not a good crit, so i don't see anything wrong with this chapter. i hope you will continue this story. i like the first chapter. good luck with the others.