Save Me

Hi writ3r,

writ3rindisguis3 wrote:Fear.
Like a
Snake
That creeps across
The grass.

Idea here is vapid, inconsistent. Who is fearing? I would assume that it is the observer, but that is not made clear and this could go any one of several ways. There are cases when ambiguity is acceptable and even necessary, but this is not one of them. Clarify what you mean.

I was going to say that this format of splitting words and phrases in different lines actually worked because of the "creeping" sensation, but that quickly changed when I saw that the rest of your poem is formatted similarly. Why? It does not do anything for the piece; instead, it fractures ideas that should not be and distracts the reader's attention from any story or theme that might exist, albeit the fact that one is hard to find in the first place. Rearrange the format and wording so that it doesn't seem to the reader like he's goose-stepping toward the exit, and not in a good way.

Scared.
Like a
Kid
On his first
Rollercoaster.

Terror.
Like a
Horror
Movie watched with
A friend.

Afraid.
Like a
Monster
Might jump from
A closet.

There's really little to be said here except that it gets boring - very boring - after the reader realizes that all you're doing is throwing in an emotion and tacking on a cliched example without the use of any cleverness, imagery, or other device to actually draw in the reader and make him care.

Scared - first time
Fear - horror movie
Afraid - monster

It gets worse as it progresses. Scrap these paragraphs and either don't cut each emotion into its own stanza or do it in a way that is original and makes every feeling intertwine with another. Reading a formulaic poem is like eating stale bread that is cut into different shapes. In the end, it is still stale bread.

Fear.
Scared.
Terror.
Afraid.

Why do I feel
All these things?

This part is useless and can be incorporated (especially the first stanza here) into earlier or later stanzas. Cut it.

What follows is a complete purging of anything that could be conceived of as poetry. All you do is unleash the flood gates of emotion and fail to couple them with a way of making the reader relate. Telling us about your life is pointless and counterproductive. Nobody cares if you start talking ceaselessly about what troubles you. The reader is not your psychologist; it is not his job to sit there patiently, sifting through your feelings to try to help you. Instead, you have to help him by twisting the words and forcing ideas to collaborate with one another so that he is interested and then can begin to understand your message. Take examples, however poor they are right now, from your early stanzas where you actually attempt to use poetic language, and affix that to the later half of the piece.

Hope that helped,
Galerius