Hi I am GordonRamsayLuver or GRL doesn't matter. Well this is a great poem I thought.
I found it to be pretty good. It had a lot of details it wasn't vague. Which is a good thing.
I liked it keep on writing.
GRL (GordonRamsayLuver
This is my first completed poem. I hope there are not too many errors. Please critique! Thanks!!!! 
Hero
She sits back in her chair,
Remembering the old days.
The days when she was
Carefree and careless.
The times she spent with friends,
Laughing and joking around.
The time when everyone was her friend.
She wonders why so much has changed.
Why friends deserted her,
Why she grew up so fast.
She remembers the boyfriends she had,
And the late nights she partied.
The times she got drunk,
And became addicted to weed.
The times when her friends left,
Leaving her to fend for herself.
The time she was forced into a room,
To be tortured and beaten.
The time she would give up anything
To go back to who she was.
She remembers the time
When a man took advantage of her,
Crushing her heart.
The time when her parents kicked her out,
Forcing her to live with a friend.
The time when she stole,
Just for her addiction to drugs.
The time her grades began to drop.
When school became a minority,
And drug money was all that mattered.
Then she remembers her savior.
The person who showed her the light.
He helped her through times of need,
And when she felt at loss.
He was like an angel from heaven,
Sent just to save her.
He rescued her from the
Bottomless pit she was in,
Pulling her out to safety,
To a better place.
His love and kindness proving
To be stronger than any drug.
Her heart began to mend itself together,
Slowly, one stitch at a time.
She began to realize that she could be more.
She was better than the life she led.
Her thoughts led to a better life.
One where there was no beating,
No crying, no heartbreaking.
She rose like the shining sun.
The woman who sits in the chair
Now, is a different woman.
She smiles, and thinks back to her first
Day as a new person.
A person who wouldn’t fall to the drugs,
Who wouldn’t fall to peer pressure.
So confident, and shining she stood,
On that little churches platform.
Her hero smiling down at her,
A halo of light above his head.
With the words “I do”,
She knew she was completely changed.
She was full and contented,
And would never again go back
To her old life.
She was thankful for her hero,
And would never forget what he has done.
She prayed this day would come,
Hoped for so many months.
And now she was fulfilled.
With her love by her side
and a smile on her face,
life gradually became better.
Now in her late 40's,
she sits and remembers.
With her husband on the way home,
and her heart safe and sound,
she brushes off the memories.
She gets up and stretches her arms,
she smiles and whispers "Thank you."
Hi I am GordonRamsayLuver or GRL doesn't matter. Well this is a great poem I thought.
I found it to be pretty good. It had a lot of details it wasn't vague. Which is a good thing.
I liked it keep on writing.
GRL (GordonRamsayLuver
Yes: please put it in Narrative Poetry!
This was great for a first poem. I mean, really great. You obviously put a lot of thought into what you were writing. You came out with some wonderful imagery:
"Crushing her heart"
So emotive and onomatopoeic; make more of this, turn it into a motif. Have the woman's love "crush" her in the same way, or something like that. Your fluent use of the present tense gives that sense of immediacy as the memories come flooding back.
There are a few problems with it. Some of your enjambement could be more natural, e.g.:
"The woman who sits in the chair
Now, is a different woman."
Try instead:
"The woman, who sits in the chair,
Now is a different woman."
A comma in the right place makes all the difference!
You use quite a few 'was/were' expressives and passives:
"She knew she was completely changed."
This is spoonfeeding the audience - in other words, it is telling, not showing. Experiment with imagery:
"He had now steered her
Onto a newer path: a path towards
A brighter, clearer horizon."
Admittedly this would make the poem even longer than as it stands, but I would rather let your imagination capture us with vivid turns of phrase than resort to redundant telling sentences to move the narrative forward. But see how the second example feels fresher and more immediate without summing up? This is what your work could really use a dose of.
Also, try to avoid too many participial phrases:
"Her thoughts led to a better life:
One where there was no beating,
No crying, no heartbreaking."
I added the colon because it made more sense. (People need to worship the colon and semi-colon! They are so useful!) Anyway, you can tell that all these participles add a lot of dead weight. Solution: Make them active verbs, like this:
"Her thoughts led to a better life:
One where monsters would not
Make her suffer.
She would weep no more,
Mend her broken heart."
Something like that.
You've made a good start with an original concept. Keep writing and good luck! With redrafting, this piece can improve no ends.
7/10
Thank you so much guys! I appreciate all your reviews!
I'm so glad that all of you liked it.
don't really know everything about American lifestyle (I am from India) but I wanted to point this out.
"The time her grades began to drop./When school became a minority,"
Before you wrote this, you've talked about drugs and money and a "man" who betrayed her. Are they chronological? I mean, shouldn't school and grades come before the seriousness of those? Her parents kicked her out in her school life? Sounds very harsh but maybe that's the point.
Also, in the first three stanzas, I think the words "friends left her" has been used too often.
The only problems I can see right now is that there's no need to capitialize every letter on a new line in poetry. This also disturbs the flow.
Welcome to YWS.
First poems are always special and you've done a grand job! Congratulations!
The theme has been put in a novel way which keeps the reader focused and your spacing is very thoughtful, easy to the eyes.
I don't really know everything about American lifestyle (I am from India) but I wanted to point this out.
"The time her grades began to drop./When school became a minority,"
Before you wrote this, you've talked about drugs and money and a "man" who betrayed her. Are they chronological? I mean, shouldn't school and grades come before the seriousness of those? Her parents kicked her out in her school life? Sounds very harsh but maybe that's the point.
Also, in the first three stanzas, I think the words "friends left her" has been used too often. This is a straightforward poem, so I won't be suggesting use of metaphors or other figures of speech, but maybe you could put the same words in a different way each time.
In the last stanza, not all the lines begin with a capital letter. BUt to keep the same pattern throughout, they should.
About the title, maybe you could consider something else because the poem is more about the lady herself than her saviour. Something like "Reminiscence" or "Reflecting Her Past" perhaps?
As already pointed out by Eimear, this is fit for narrative section.
I really loved the lines:
"Slowly, one stitch at a time.
She began to realize that she could be more."
Ooo, long critic! Yay! I hope this'll help.
Once again, brilliant effort and welcome to world of poetry-writing.
Heya, haven't seen you around before. Welcome to YWS. Don't get me wrong, this is great- but I felt like it should be in the Narrative Poetry section? It just seemed a little bit more like a story than anything. It almost seemed like prose. The theme is great and I really enjoyed reading it, very touching. The only problems I can see right now is that there's no need to capitialize every letter on a new line in poetry. This also disturbs the flow. Other than that I think this earns a gold star. So well done.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear
For your first poem, excellent. I like the way you talk about the girl coming back from weed and drugs and becoming into a better person because of love. The main goal to writing poems is to take a concept that someone else has writen and make it different. You have done that. The 4th stanza was really what hit me the hardest. One again, great job.
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