Morphine Angel

I don’t really think it matters anymore. There’s nothing in this place worth living for. All the people around here are just mindless and hurtful. They take joy in hurting those around them. I’m not sure I can take it anymore, I think it’s time to just give up. Not that it’ll matter to anyone, it’s to be expected from someone like me. Hopefully they read this diary and care, but more than likely no one will even care enough to look for this or read it. My death will just be like any other depressed teen. So I suppose I’ll take some time to plan things out and figure out what I’m going to do. But I guess I’ll think about this tomorrow. Goodnight.

                                                                 Megan

            The past couple weeks were horrible, I wanted to wrap my belt around my neck and hang myself right there at school. Even though it was almost a month ago people still hadn’t forgotten the party, hadn’t forgotten me. Girls started to ignore me, and today the only real friend I still have is Kenzie. Kenzie loves me so it’s doubtful she’ll ever ditch me, but also she isn’t sticking up for me. Instead she just tells me to not think about it or to just let it die down. Only it’s not dying down, and the pain in my heart is growing. Lately all I do is cry, especially when I’m in the shower. I’ve been ruined and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. What’s worse is everyone blames me and I can’t do anything to stop it unless I do something durastic. Of course I won’t, Kenzie told me not to and I will always listen to Kenzie. Still the smug smiles on peoples’ faces make me want to scream at them, or at least tell someone, anyone the truth. Today tops the cake of bad days though because not only am I at school facing these people, but also because Kenzie is sick. Without Kenzie I’m on my own, including during lunch. Which isn’t exactly something I want to do. So during lunch I make my way out back to the field. Even though I’m pretty sure it’s not allowed, I go out and sit under the stands where people won’t see me or bother me. The sunlight comes in through small spots between the seats, and the whole place seems alive. It’s crazy how much school seems like a dream compared to this, and I feel myself falling asleep. A small nap can’t hurt, plus I don’t mind skipping the next class.

“Who are you?”

A voice jars me from sleep and I sit up to fast hitting my head on the stands. For a second I’m so stunned by the blow that I have to lay back down.

“Whoa, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you ok?”

“Yea I’m fine.” I say trying to get up again, but his hand stops me.

“Maybe you should lay there a little longer, you hit that pretty hard.”

“Um well-“

“Just do it.” His voice is irritated and I feel a cold shiver go down my spin.

“Ok.”

There’s a long awkward silence and then I hear him moving closer to me. I want to sit up so I can see him but I don’t want him to get mad at me. I don’t have to get up though because soon he’s leaning over me. A gasp is stuck in my throat when I see him. Normally I would never be attracted to a gothic guy, but damn he’s fine. It’s rude to stare, but I can’t help myself. His eyes contrast so much with black hair, and dear lord, face was so perfect. The icy blue color of his eyes are like seeing into my soul and I look away.

“What were you doing here?”

“Eh well, I didn’t want to eat lunch alone and so I came out here for lunch.”

“Lunch ended like 20 minutes ago.”

I shrug, and start to study the bottom of the stands. Half of me wants to look at him, but I don’t want to seem weird so I just keep my eyes on one single ant making its way across the wood. Perhaps drawing out the silence to make me talk, he sits there silent and then clears his throat.

“So you’re skipping class?”

“Pretty much.”

“I see. Well then I suppose I should leave then.”

“No wait.” As soon as I blurt it out I want to take it back.

“Why?”

Sitting up slowly, my eyes never leaving the small ant that currently seems to be back traveling down the wood again. Then I sigh and turn to him, telling myself I won’t stare.

“Obviously you come here more than I ever have. Plus, if you don’t mind I would like some company, I’m kind of lonely.”

Oh you idiot you just sounded so desperate and pathetic. ‘I’m kind of lonely’, why the hell would I say that?

“Well, I guess.”

The hesitation in his voice makes me feel stupid for ever asking. Clearly neither of us were really sure what to do. It’s like the first day of school when you don’t know anyone and can’t figure out what to say. Considering I don’t know what he’s like, there’s a large possibility that I might offend him.

God what if he’s heard? Who am I kidding of course he has, he’s probably disgusted to be around me.

My thoughts bring tears to my eyes, and I go to push my hair from behind my ears so he can’t see. When my hand runs across the bump though I jump at the pain. Instead of just a bump there’s quite a gash oh my head, and I can feel the warmth of blood.

“How bad is it?”

Before I realize it, he’d already made his way over to me. His hands slightly touch my face so he can angle my head to see the wound. The sharp intake of breath is all I need to know it’s not just a small cut. Suddenly he’s looking at me in the eyes, why I’m not sure, so close that I can feel the warmth of his skin.

“I’d be surprised if you didn’t have a concussion. Damn you must have hit that pretty hard, I’m sorry.”

“I’m Megan.”

He just stares at me for a couple of minutes then smiles for the first time, and all I can think about how gorgeous his smile is. His whole face brightens, and my heart skips. It takes a lot of self control to not move closer to him.

“Well Megan, I’m Ryan. I think maybe I should take you to the nurse.”

All the warm feelings melt away the second it registers what he says. Going to the nurse is a smart idea, but the idea of going back into the school makes my stomach flip. There’s no way I’m going back to school I know that. This whole time I planned on skipping I just didn’t admit it. The faces and judgement from those people is too much for me with out Kenzie around.

“No. Please don’t.” My words come out half sob and his face is immediately serious.

“Megan you need someone to look at that cut at the very least. It’s not too deep but it’s deep enough that you need a nurse.”

“I can’t, please… don’t make me go back into that school. One more minute in there and I will hang my self.” The words come out broken and I realize how crazy I sound.

“Why?”

“It’s those people, they’re terrible. If I have to endure anymore of them I will snap. That’s why I’m out here, I can’t take them alone.”

“Ah I see. Ok I won’t make you go back inside. Did you bring your keys with you at least, you should really go to the doctor or something.”

“I don’t have a car. I’m a freshman, I’m not old enough to drive.”

For a moment he just stares at me, deciding something in his mind, then he shakes his head at me. He gets up and for a second I think he’s going to just get up and leave or go get a nurse. Then instead he offers me his hand.

“This is the last thing I want to do, but my dad is a doctor. He could pry check your head out for free. Just don’t tell anyone.”

“Ok.”

Taking his hand, I get up then follow him over to the parking lot. A rush of excitement fills me, and then there’s a bit of fear the kills some of the excitement. Logic starts to tell me that getting in the car with a random guy I don’t know is a bad idea. Especially since he looks like he could be a Satan worshiper and try to use me in some kind of ritual. Still I follow him without objection until we get to the car.

“This is yours?”

“My mom’s actually, but yea it’s pretty much mine.”

“Wow. Are you sure it’s ok we leave school? I mean can’t we get in a lot of trouble?”

“Asks the girl who was skipping class? Don’t be scared, after all if had wanted to do anything to you I would have done it when were under the stands.”

“Oh…ok.”