The moment she steps off the hard, grey, unforgiving concrete
And on top of the soft, strong, tolerant forest floor
Is the moment that she learns to release defeat.
The moment she breaks free from the nets holding her back
And runs wild with her hair flying wild and dirt splashing against her heels
Is the moment she learns she can attack.
The moment he lets go of the pain and the anger on the inside
And appreciates the beauty in the natural, the beauty in the real, on the outside
Is the moment he learns to have pride.
The moment he leaves behind the voices telling him what he should be
And listens to the river and all the noise he was meant to hear
Is the moment he is free.
It only takes a moment to take a breath of fresh air,
It only takes a moment to enjoy the sound of a raindrop,
It only takes a moment to notice and to care.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I adore this! I wish everybody would read this, it is so true! I love the ending, it completes it so well. Especially the "It only takes a moment to notice and to care." Perfect. Just, perfect.
I have one thing to nitpick, though!
"And runs wild with her hair flying wild and dirt splashing against her heels"
You've used the word 'wild' twice in this sentence and it makes the reader double take, thinking they have read the same thing twice. It's not good for rhythm, and you have wonderful rhythm in the rest of the piece.
I also love the fact that you added more than one person in this, almost as an example of the refreshingly simple realization to all man kind to just, take a minute to be okay.
Sorry, this review is a little...all over the place. Stay with me, I make sense, I swear!
That's all I will say, other than you did amazing with this piece. I'm glad I read it. Keep calm and write on!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
*scrutinizes piece*
I love the reputation. It's just right. Not too randomly spaced and put at the right spots as to not make it sound horrible.
My favorite line is:
-If everyone appreciated the beauty of nature, would they still killing it?
Did you try to put it in stanzas before? The solution to the double spacing is pressing shift as you you press enter. Mainly works on the computer of course.
This is awful good, I have nothing to nitpick. Well keep writing! Welcome to YWS!
-lost
Thank you! I did not know about the double spaceing trick! There are 3 lines in each stanza.
I enjoyed this piece thoroughly. More specifically I really enjoyed the careful use of repetition, as not to be randomly inserted but with practiced spacing and a nice little crescendo at the end. I don't have much to suggest here, good use of punctuation and short-long sentences to help break up the flow and call attention to the turning points of the tempo.
Thanks for the great read!
thank you!