The Siren's Spell
I fall and plunge into the ice cold water. The waves shove water down my throat as I thrash. Then I hear the voice, so crystal clear and beautiful. It comforts me and takes away my pain. I let myself be immersed into the water, let it wash away the pain of past; to heal me. All I need is this hidden world under the waves. I smile as I am taken away by the songs of a beautiful monster. I fall into the never ending darkness, forgetting the trivial need of air. My memories are done away and I am left in a peaceful bliss. I close my eyes and I am gone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Wishes.
I don't usually venture into the Other section, but I thought I'd stop by anyway, and I saw your piece here.
I imagine this is a stand-alone piece, most likely a practice on description. Personally, I like these kinds of pieces. Fantasy is sort of my favorite genre? So of course, I'm going to say you should totes write more to this.
As an opening line, I think it works very well. It throws the reader right into the situation at hand as well as develops the freezing cold atmosphere the narrator must be feeling right now. Seriously, I think a shiver almost went down my spine.
However, I think there could have been more build-up into the siren's sweet voice. If you build more suspense with the drowning -- more pain, depression, sinking feeling -- it will set up a very hopeless emotion for the reader. Thus, the Siren's voice is suddenly relieving to hear and provides a comfortable, slow resolution into death. It's sad and miserable but effective.
There's a point where the body of water is considered an entire world under waves, but it's not set up as a world. It doesn't sound as fantastic as the narrator feels it is. You want the reader to be put in the narrator's shoes (hence the first person PoV), so make sure you utilize all five senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, sound). The narrator is, in fact, feeling a whole lot of things at once time -- physical and emotional.
There's also potential for metaphors to use so as to avoid repetition in description. It provides not only variety in your writing but also makes the description much more interesting to read. Easy to relate to for the reader because there's something common to compare this rarer situation to.
Finally, I'd probably suggest choosing what kind of tone you want this to have. Right now, there isn't much of a story. It's taken as a practice in description, so! When it comes to description, make sure you're using the right vocabulary to reflect the emotion you, as the writer, wish to enforce. How do you want the reader to feel? What kind of words should you use to reflect that?
Hope that makes sense! It's good writing, and you have lots of potential. There are just ways to make it so much better, and once you master basics, you can feel more comfortable tackling bigger projects. Trust me: Those are stressful and fun at the same time!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
sorry 'bout that. I should have put in more effort. Thanks for the review!
An interesting piece-I like it!
One or two suggestions though
First off I wouldnt rewite the title, its already above
I would change the "then" to "I begin to" or something similar-It sounds more like a gradual, which Id guess in a situation like that it would be
Just a suggestion to vary your vocab- I smile as I am grasped by the songs of...."
I do like it though and the above are just suggestions